So I let my mind camp there for a bit and consider how God keeps up with the daily adversities of caregiving. In Psalm 139:23, David prays for God to know his anxious thoughts. I'm not sure he needed to pray that - God sees. He knows how crazy our emotions and thoughts can be - and how they can be all over the place. He understands us when no one else can - or when we don't even understand ourselves. And it doesn't scare Him away.
So, as I was meditating on all these things, I found myself looking at Psalm 139:23-24 again. David is again bringing his anxious thoughts before the Lord. It seems like he does that often. Maybe that helps me not feel so bad about it. He finishes out 139 with this prayer:
Search me O God and know my heart
Try me and know my anxieties
See if there is any wicked way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I like that David is bringing his anxieties before the Lord and I love the completeness of this prayer. He specifically asks God to search his heart - to know his heart and to try him. It demonstrates a high level of trust to be comfortable asking God to walk around in your heart. But to be vulnerable enough before Him and asking Him to take a look at your anxious thoughts - that's pure worship. But David goes further. He asks God to search him, to try him - and then to lead him. May we be that yielded before God in our caregiving today.
Today, I will trust God enough to pour out my anxious thoughts before Him. My meditations will be on how He can search me, try me, and know me - and still love me passionately. (People can't always do that.) I'll think about how He doesn't look the other way at my fears, dashed hopes, losses or worries. He pulls me close and tells me it is okay. And I will sit right there with Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?
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