To say I was terrified is an understatement. But I was as determined to give it a shot as I was scared. Each time I transferred him I got sick to my stomach - afraid I'd drop him. At first, I constantly worried I wasn't helping him, didn't want to hurt him. I was sleep deprived, had just started my first online job. I was alone and afraid. Each step of the way I figured it out. lol
Of course, he has changed in leaps and bounds ( real slow one because TBI recovery is never fast! lol). But this morning, I'm thinking about some of the things I've learned over these 9 years. He's changed, he's made so many improvements - maybe I'll share it later. But I've changed too. I've gotten rounder for one thing! lol
What's changed? Despite all the crazy emotions and extreme situations we've gone through in these 9 years, I feel my faith is stronger and my trust is deeper. But, boy did it take a lot to get there. So many times I've wanted to throw in the towel. There've been days when I have been so angry with God for "taking" my son. It's truly been a wide range of emotional baggage filled with questions, sorrow, grief, pain, and emotions to work through.
But as I look back at it in one lump sum, I've found some solid truths to stand on. Here are a few of them:
- God never leaves me - not even in the middle of a hissy fit.
- God's grace is enough to sustain me - even in the darkest nights.
- God's provision has been way above what I could have imagined 9 years ago when I had no idea how I'd make ends meet.
- God doesn't quit pursuing me - even when I am mad at Him.
- God's shoulders are big enough to carry my struggles, pains, griefs, and sadness even on the most emotional days.
- God's quiet gentle voice is very audible in my soul when my thoughts are loudest. And when He speaks - it brings instant peace.
- I trust Him with more than I ever thought possible and I think He likes that.
- My faith has been redefined by the fire - and since He's in here with me - I know we'll all make it through.
- Just when I thought His presence couldn't be any closer He swept me off my feet again - fire, emotions, tears, and all. And he carried me. And I like it.
- I'm not strong - it's my weakness that calls out for Him to be my all in all.
- I know He hears the faintest prayers - whether I see an answer or not.