To say I was terrified is an understatement. But I was as determined to give it a shot as I was scared. Each time I transferred him I got sick to my stomach - afraid I'd drop him. At first, I constantly worried I wasn't helping him, didn't want to hurt him. I was sleep deprived, had just started my first online job. I was alone and afraid. Each step of the way I figured it out. lol
Of course, he has changed in leaps and bounds ( real slow one because TBI recovery is never fast! lol). But this morning, I'm thinking about some of the things I've learned over these 9 years. He's changed, he's made so many improvements - maybe I'll share it later. But I've changed too. I've gotten rounder for one thing! lol
What's changed? Despite all the crazy emotions and extreme situations we've gone through in these 9 years, I feel my faith is stronger and my trust is deeper. But, boy did it take a lot to get there. So many times I've wanted to throw in the towel. There've been days when I have been so angry with God for "taking" my son. It's truly been a wide range of emotional baggage filled with questions, sorrow, grief, pain, and emotions to work through.
But as I look back at it in one lump sum, I've found some solid truths to stand on. Here are a few of them:
- God never leaves me - not even in the middle of a hissy fit.
- God's grace is enough to sustain me - even in the darkest nights.
- God's provision has been way above what I could have imagined 9 years ago when I had no idea how I'd make ends meet.
- God doesn't quit pursuing me - even when I am mad at Him.
- God's shoulders are big enough to carry my struggles, pains, griefs, and sadness even on the most emotional days.
- God's quiet gentle voice is very audible in my soul when my thoughts are loudest. And when He speaks - it brings instant peace.
I've also learned a lot about myself over these few years. Here are a few of them too:
- I trust Him with more than I ever thought possible and I think He likes that.
- My faith has been redefined by the fire - and since He's in here with me - I know we'll all make it through.
- Just when I thought His presence couldn't be any closer He swept me off my feet again - fire, emotions, tears, and all. And he carried me. And I like it.
- I'm not strong - it's my weakness that calls out for Him to be my all in all.
- I know He hears the faintest prayers - whether I see an answer or not.
I cannot wait to see how faith and trust unfold over the next 9 years or more. While I am not thankful this happened to my son - sorry, I won't ever be. I am grateful for the changes that God has brought about in me through it.
Today will be spent in gratitude for the sustaining grace and power of God. I'll thank Him for carrying me when I couldn't walk. I'll be thankful for the times He heard my heart when I could not talk. I will testify to His powerful grace, provision, pursuit, and passion for His people. And I know I can trust Him for one more day - will you join me?
I also was a victim caregiver to TBI, i know exactly all those feelings of being mad, scared, exhaust, worried i would never be enough, i went from w and 3 jobs a week to no jobs. With 2 teens in the house. I know it must have been God that carried me because the first 5 years were a blur of how, when, where and why. My fello with tbi past 5 years ago but we endure together 15 years before he passed. During that time i had major back surgery that left me with no feelingbin my feet and legs. They took my cdl's from me. Then i had a. Tumor that ruptured and had to have emergency hysterectomy, appendectomy and then 2 weeks later a gal bladder removal. Sold our home and moved to where we live now. My kids moved us because i could not even kift 5 pounds and my late husband w tbi was no help. I litterally prayed my way thru everyday and every hour.i often ask God why what had i done to deserve that. What had he done to deserve that. But then my fello actually gave his heart to God, he was 65 and had never been saved. He was baptised 2 weeks later. He never missed a service and loved to go to singings. I knew then why we had gone thru so much. We both had to learn something, just being good people and public servants was not enough. We actually had to spend knee time and we each had to become his servants. His hands and feet. We attended a church of over 100 people and he said one sunday i dont want to go there anymore. So i ask why and his reply was only 5 people ever shook his hand. I ask well christ did not travel the roads where all the people loved him, he had to love the people. Gave him scripture. He said so what are you saying, i said honey you have to love the people, shake thier hands. Hug thier necks, dont wait for them to come to you, get up and go love them. So he did and he became to love the church people and they did him even the younger ones.
ReplyDeleteLong story short ending. Keep moving forward, love them even if they are un loveable. Smile with them, cry with them, laugh with them, and eventually God wins! Amen
Thanks jeanie for sharing with me! I cried when i read your post. Because i had been right there where you were. I love you lady!
Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story with me. I am sorry you understand so well- lol. I often wish no one did - but am also comforted to know there are many of us out there He wants to touch with His love.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for reading!!!
Jeanie
<3
ReplyDelete