Skip to main content

Grace, Provision, Pursuit, & Passion

It was 9 years ago today that I brought my son home for the first time after his accident. That in itself was a huge feat since I had no home. I literally had to get an apartment and create a place before he could go to rehab. So, I did.

To say I was terrified is an understatement. But I was as determined to give it a shot as I was scared. Each time I transferred him I got sick to my stomach - afraid I'd drop him. At first, I constantly worried I wasn't helping him, didn't want to hurt him. I was sleep deprived, had just started my first online job. I was alone and afraid. Each step of the way I figured it out. lol

Of course, he has changed in leaps and bounds ( real slow one because TBI recovery is never fast! lol).  But this morning, I'm thinking about some of the things I've learned over these 9 years. He's changed, he's made so many improvements - maybe I'll share it later. But I've changed too. I've gotten rounder for one thing! lol

What's changed? Despite all the crazy emotions and extreme situations we've gone through in these 9 years, I feel my faith is stronger and my trust is deeper. But, boy did it take a lot to get there. So many times I've wanted to throw in the towel. There've been days when I have been so angry with God for "taking" my son. It's truly been a wide range of emotional baggage filled with questions, sorrow, grief, pain, and emotions to work through.

But as I look back at it in one lump sum, I've found some solid truths to stand on. Here are a few of them:


  • God never leaves me - not even in the middle of a hissy fit.
  • God's grace is enough to sustain me - even in the darkest nights.
  • God's provision has been way above what I could have imagined 9 years ago when I had no idea how I'd make ends meet.
  • God doesn't quit pursuing me - even when I am mad at Him.
  • God's shoulders are big enough to carry my struggles, pains, griefs, and sadness even on the most emotional days.
  • God's quiet gentle voice is very audible in my soul when my thoughts are loudest. And when He speaks - it brings instant peace.
I've also learned a lot about myself over these few years. Here are a few of them too:

  •  I trust Him with more than I ever thought possible and I think He likes that.
  • My faith has been redefined by the fire - and since He's in here with me - I know we'll all make it through.
  • Just when I thought His presence couldn't be any closer He swept me off my feet again - fire, emotions, tears, and all. And he carried me. And I like it.
  • I'm not strong - it's my weakness that calls out for Him to be my all in all.
  • I know He hears the faintest prayers - whether I see an answer or not.
I cannot wait to see how faith and trust unfold over the next 9 years or more. While I am not thankful this happened to my son - sorry, I won't ever be. I am grateful for the changes that God has brought about in me through it. 

Today will be spent in gratitude for the sustaining grace and power of God. I'll thank Him for carrying me when I couldn't walk. I'll be thankful for the times He heard my heart when I could not talk. I will testify to His powerful grace, provision, pursuit, and passion for His people. And I know I can trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Comments

  1. I also was a victim caregiver to TBI, i know exactly all those feelings of being mad, scared, exhaust, worried i would never be enough, i went from w and 3 jobs a week to no jobs. With 2 teens in the house. I know it must have been God that carried me because the first 5 years were a blur of how, when, where and why. My fello with tbi past 5 years ago but we endure together 15 years before he passed. During that time i had major back surgery that left me with no feelingbin my feet and legs. They took my cdl's from me. Then i had a. Tumor that ruptured and had to have emergency hysterectomy, appendectomy and then 2 weeks later a gal bladder removal. Sold our home and moved to where we live now. My kids moved us because i could not even kift 5 pounds and my late husband w tbi was no help. I litterally prayed my way thru everyday and every hour.i often ask God why what had i done to deserve that. What had he done to deserve that. But then my fello actually gave his heart to God, he was 65 and had never been saved. He was baptised 2 weeks later. He never missed a service and loved to go to singings. I knew then why we had gone thru so much. We both had to learn something, just being good people and public servants was not enough. We actually had to spend knee time and we each had to become his servants. His hands and feet. We attended a church of over 100 people and he said one sunday i dont want to go there anymore. So i ask why and his reply was only 5 people ever shook his hand. I ask well christ did not travel the roads where all the people loved him, he had to love the people. Gave him scripture. He said so what are you saying, i said honey you have to love the people, shake thier hands. Hug thier necks, dont wait for them to come to you, get up and go love them. So he did and he became to love the church people and they did him even the younger ones.

    Long story short ending. Keep moving forward, love them even if they are un loveable. Smile with them, cry with them, laugh with them, and eventually God wins! Amen

    Thanks jeanie for sharing with me! I cried when i read your post. Because i had been right there where you were. I love you lady!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story with me. I am sorry you understand so well- lol. I often wish no one did - but am also comforted to know there are many of us out there He wants to touch with His love.

    Thanks so much for reading!!!
    Jeanie

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Living Grief

 As caregivers, many of us deal with daily grief and a constant sense of loss. Even though we don't feel these emotions all of the time, they do keep coming back. For me, mine is often sparked by seeing something on my Facebook feed. I'll see one of Chris' friends or a memory and it'll tip my emotional bucket right over. Living grief is one of those things the church doesn't know how to deal with. Well, honestly, who really knows how to deal with it? It's not just going to go away, now is it? :-) In some hyper-faith circles, grief is pretty much forbidden. Yet even under the old law, it was allowed room. If you lost a close loved one such as a spouse, parent, or sibling, you were given an entire year to mourn. Our culture allows a little time, but then we are expected to be back at work, back at church, or back to our daily lives after a very short time. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other. But living grief continues. When we deal with parents wh

The Best Meeting

  I know I've written quite a few times about Hagar, but her story intrigues me. I think I can relate to the rejection and loneliness she must have felt. In numerous devotions, I've talked about how God met her right where she was. She did have God "find" her twice. But there are other people in the scriptures that God met too. The list is a bit longer when we start thinking about how many times God met someone along the way. Twice He came and ministered to Hagar, He met Saul on the road to Damascus (Acts 9), He met Balaam and stopped him before he sinned against God (Numbers 22). Jesus went through Samaria on purpose  to speak with the woman at the well. He crossed two taboos in their time - going through Samaria and speaking to a woman! (John 4) He walked out to the disciples in a storm in Matthew 8. And the Angel of God came to Gideon when he was hiding from the Midianites in Judges 6. It's easy for today's religious thinkers to label these Bible characters

But I Have Today

Do you ever have days that are just heavier than others? Of course, you do - who am I talking to? Saturday was Chris' 37th birthday. For some reason, it was unusually hard as I thought of where all his friends are today. You know, married, having kids, and enjoying their careers. I cried more than once that day. I grieved over what should have been, what could have been.  I hugged him a little tighter and thought about the progress he's made recently. The other night, I am certain he "sang" to me after I got him in bed. It was the sweetest thing and I posted it in his Facebook group where I share things I don't feel I can share as "publicly." He's moving more and initiating more of his movement on his own. There are many things to rejoice about. At the same time, I am getting older. My joints hurt and I wonder how much longer I can take care of him. I fear the day that I won't be able to. This is the way the rest of my life looks, and I am okay w