I consider myself a mature Christian, I write Bible study guides and devotionals for crying out loud. But when I am up all night with Chris struggling to breathe and I've used all the asthma medications and strategies I have - it wears on the soul. That's what it is that takes me back to square one. What is it for you?
Maybe it's those moments when your mom no longer remembers who you are. Or you finally get to FaceTime with her and she won't even wake up enough to say "hi." (That happened to me yesterday.) No one ever said caregiving would be easy. If they did, it's safe to call them a liar. lol. But it certainly strains every one of my faith muscles.
But it's always short-lived no matter how gut-wrenching the midnight hours become. I do a live devotion on Facebook each morning and I opened my Bible to prepare for it after listening to Chris cough most of the night last night. My Bible fell open to Psalm 62 and my eyes landed on verse 5. My soul wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. My soul nodded in agreement.
I continue to read on through verse eight where the psalmist says pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge or us. I'm reminded that it's okay to tell God exactly what you think and how you feel. It's not like it surprises Him anyway. And there He was once again - meeting me at square one.
When I feel totally faithless - He shows up. He doesn't wait for me to get my faith filled back up to a religiously-appropriate level. He meets me right where I am the weakest and reminds me that He is still my rock. He is still my hope. He is still my refuge. I can trust Him.
Today, I will be thankful that He patiently meets me at square one when I find myself there. He does not throw judgment my way- instead, He just reminds me that He is there too. He is so faith-full.
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