There is a lot to process in a day, no matter how peaceful the day is and whether or not you get bad or good news. But as caregivers, we have to process everything through caregiving. I hope that made sense. Here's where I am coming from. Yesterday, my sweet aunt fell very, very ill and is currently in the hospital in ICU. With this type of news, there are lots of emotions to work through. As I went in to care for my son this morning, I thought - I don't get a break; I still need to take care of him, even though I'm processing my own emotional baggage here.
Then, I thought back over the last couple of years. My mom passed away, and I still took care of Chris. My daddy passed away - and I still took care of Chris. My aunt, who I was also an LD caregiver for passed away. And - you guessed it - I still took care of Chris. There are good things, too - my niece got married - I still took care of Chris. Two nieces had babies, joyous occasions, for sure. But I'm still taking care of my son. Lol. Everything seems to get filtered through caregiving because it's the top item on our list.
If we get an invite - the process of sorting through information to see if it is feasible to be able to attend begins. Do I need a sitter? Can I afford a sitter? Will I need new clothes? Do I have time to order them, or do I have time to shop (with Chris in tow, of course)?
Those who are not caregivers will never understand the detailed, sometimes complex process we must go through, even when it seems like a simple life event. The good thing is that even though people may not understand how complicated daily tasks like just a run to the store may be for the caregiver - God gets us. Actually, He understands each minute detail and heart-wrenching emotion we may have to work through to make a simple decision. In Psalm 139, David says it like this:
O Lord, You have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down and
are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold,
O Lord, You know it altogether. (ESV)
It's amazing to me to know - that God knows. He knows all the off-the-wall thoughts and emotions that go through my head and my soul. Yet, He still willingly searches out my path. While I find it amazing that He continues to search out my path - it's even more amazing to me that He does it willingly and on purpose. He never walks away shaking His head because He doesn't understand me. My thoughts never throw Him off - and that's sayin' somethin' right there!
Today, I want to move out of the way so God can clearly see my heart, hear my thoughts, and search the path of my feet - wherever today may take them. I'm not sure I can even describe the peace as it wells up in my heart when I let go. I'll stop trying to "protect" God from my thoughts, my emotions, and my pain. Instead, I'll trust that He's already discovered the path of my feet, and He has already covered it in His grace - grace for the journey. I can trust Him for that - will you join me?
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