Do you ever feel like you live in full-time, full-on survival mode? I do. But the funny (not haha funny) thing is that a large part of the time, even though we know we are in survival mode, we don't realize its depth. I learned this yesterday, when the home health company called yesterday to tell me that I was going to start getting 5 hours a week for respite, once they find an aid. My response is what caught me off gaurd. I literally cried, and I am no crier.
At that moment, the last few months caught up with me and I realized how tight I'd been. I had respite, then didn't. I just adjusted to the new normal. That's what we do, right? And I would bet we all do it a LOT without really realizing what a tight spot we are in. Until my emotional surprise, I hadn't realized how hard it's been to have zero help and zero breaks, even though I've done it alone a lot over the last nearly 15 years. We just kind of keep moving forward, caring for our loved ones, and trusting God, don't we. It's not really like we have another choice. Right?
I'm so glad that God works on our behalf while we are in survival mode. He never says we are wound too tight for Him, instead, He pours in more grace. He carries us close to His heart and holds us a little tighter, like a mother comforting her young. (Isaiah 66:13) A good mother does not cast away her distraught child, she pulls them in close and comforts them. Maybe she soothes them, then offers instruction on how to proceed. She cares about their wounds inside and out. This is how God cares about us - the caregivers.
He sees our wounds, hears our cries, and even understands the depths of our silence and all the pain behind it. People often ignore us because they just don't get it or honestly don't know what to do. But our Father, God pulls us in closer and even without words brings comfort and peace to our souls. I love that about Him. I can be wringing my hands one second and then sitting peacefully in His presence the next. He will not withdraw His presence in the midst of the problem. Instead, He inserts His peace.
Today, even though I remain in full-on survival mode - I will not fight myself; and I will not fight God. I will turn off the multitude of crazy thoughts running through my head, and put the emotional upheaval on hold - so I can hear Him. I will lean in a little closer and listen for His breath, for it is my life. My trust for today will be solely in His grace, for I know He will carry me as needed. I can trust Him for just one more day - will you join me?