This morning as I was journaling, I realized what a mess I'd been this week. While I was trying to sort through crazy emotions and difficult situations, survival mode kicks in, and I don't realize how messed up things are until I start coming back down out of the mountainous stress levels. Lol. Maybe it's just me? The funny thing (not haha funny) is that just a simple motion from God, and it stills the storm in my heart. Isn't that great and crazy all at the same time? Once I've come back down to something that slightly resembles normal, I see how "off" I've been. This time, it was nearly a week! Lol.
Things seem to just pile up. Maybe it's because there are so many loose ends in a caregiver's life. Perhaps it's because nothing is ever solved; it's just different. Seldom is anything resolved - instead, we adapt to new normals all the time. Sometimes, it's a day-by-day adjustment to whatever might be on our plate at the time. This can cause unrest in the soul. And it's NOT because we fail to trust God - it's right in the middle of trusting Him. Caregiving is a lot to handle, and there is no respite, no true time off. We are "on" all the time. This can make the heart a messy place, don't you think?
It's not because we sin or do something wrong - it's just a lot to deal with over and over again, day after day. It gets messy. I've been in that caregiver fog mess for about a week this time. But yesterday, I was actually listening to a preacher on YouTube (Duane Sherrif - he's from Oklahoma and one of my long-time favorites!), and he made a statement that felt like it went right into my heart. The statement was If you want to change the fruit - change the root. (in the heart) I'd been praying for change. I'd been asking God for wisdom and direction. Somehow this saying was like a revelation - stop trying to change the fruit - change the heart.
It was like immediately, a dam had burst in my soul, and all the gooky messy stuff in my heart began to gush out. I sat down with my Bible and studied for about 2 hours, and made a new video for my prayer series on YouTube. It was like everything inside me shifted at that moment. Isn't that the power of God's word? Pslam 119:130 says the entrance of Your word (into our messy hearts) gives light. It's like God walks in, and everything gets back into proper alignment - back into place. I love it when it happens like that.
God's not afraid of the messy heart - He'll walk right in when He's invited. I don't know exactly how He sets everything upright, but I sure like it when He does. God won't look at our heart and say it's too complicated, too confusing, too messed up for Him. Instead, He continues to offer us His peace. He keeps on walking with us through each caregiving moment and carries us as needed.
Today, I will invite God into my super messy heart. I know He'll accept the invite. I know He'll come and walk through and set it all upright again. Then, I'll focus on letting the peace He gives reign over my messy heart. :-) Will you join me?