A Soul Emergency Calls for Extreme Measures
This past week has been one of the hardest on my caregiving journey. My son became sick suddenly and in a matter of hours was septic and in respiratory failure. Early Sunday morning his white count was barely above normal and sitting at just a little over 11. The second trip to the ER on Sunday evening revealed a WBC of 25.5. That's escalated way too quickly for me! There were many issues, but when I realized at 3 AM Sunday morning he was in respiratory distress my emotions went crazy. (He's home and doing well now btw!)
My thoughts and emotions were all over the place and I kind of felt like I was betraying myself. Lol. As much as I tried, I could not reel in the fear. The questions. The racing thoughts. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to pray that God would heal Chris so that I could take him home and continue our journey. Then, that felt so selfish. Why pray that he remains in this immobile body and continues to endure the daily stress and strain of existing? But I couldn't let go...but it's my son.
I was torn between the two and had no words to say, not knowing how or what to pray.
So, I walked over to a chair in his ER cell. I sat down and put my head in my hands. My soul whispered I trust You. And that was all I could do - just trust God for whatever outcome He chose for Chris. I was surprised by the peace I had by just letting go. But I must say it was one of the absolute hardest things I've ever done in my life.
He was finally stable enough to go to the critical care unit, but he wasn't quite out of the woods. I just sat. Stared. Drank coffee. Yes, I take my single-cup coffee maker with me to the hospital. It along with his Real Food Blends is always packed and ready to go! lol.
I was overwhelmed. Raw. Emotionally drained. I had nothing left. Once everyone was out of the room, I put in my earbuds and started my "Healing and Encouragement" playlist. I found myself back in that place of just trusting God and being okay with any outcome. No matter what I was determined to trust Him. As my list played, I began to cry and worship. I was recklessly abandoned to Him and I was quite alright with it!
In the darkest cave I could have ever found myself in...there He was.
I began to thank God for who He is and for chasing me down through ER and finding me there in the critical care unit. I had an unexplainable peace. I knew that no matter what happened or didn't happen I had already decided to trust Him and there is nothing in time that will make me stop.
My son did get better and we are home now making even more adjustments to our schedule and regimen. But instead of underlying turmoil, there is this undergirding peace in my soul. I'll do all I can - but I will trust God for the outcome.
Today, I'll remind myself of a few passages. I'll meditate on Psalm 46:1 that reminds me of God being my constant refuge. Some of my thoughts will take a run or two through Isaiah 43 that tells us when we go through the fire, the flood, and the waters - He will still be with us. I believe I can trust Him for one more day - will you join me?
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