A Little Rough on the Edges

 I often joke that my family was so religious that I went to church 9 months before I was even born. That's actually very true! One time when I was a teenager, my mom was dragging me to church on a Sunday night, and I really didn't want to go. She stopped, looked at me, and said, "I don't care if you are 40 years old. If YOU live in MY house, you're going to church." I still wonder why I had to go and they did not, but maybe, just maybe, she saw something God put in my heart way back then.

When Sundays, midweek services or revivals rolled around, the question wasn't if we were going, it was what time are we leaving? Lol. This is no exaggeration! I raised my kids the same way. My heritage is ministry, and I believed it was a family affair. When I packed up and moved to Chicago in July 2008, I started my search for a church immediately. By the time the call came on that cold November 8 morning, I was involved with two churches, even though I was working three jobs! Going to church and serving God was ingrained in me - there were no other options.

When I became a caregiver, the social isolation wore away at my soul. Not being able to go to church and fellowship was a true hardship on my soul. I mourned over the loss, even though I didn't have the right words to describe it back then. 

As time went on, and I adjusted to the new, very alone norms of caregiving, I adjusted. I went through a time that I refer to as redefining faith. I'd been taught that faith - one that "church" wasn't a part of. I learned that faith didn't prevent difficulties or storms, but it was what carried us through them. While I've emerged with my faith intact, I'm a little rough on the edges now. Lol.

Caregiving has a way of wearing you down, and chipping away at all those smooth edges religious folks pretend to like. I learned to be honest with God. And I learned I could ask all those questions forbidden in religious circles. I've screamed some. Cried some, and maybe even cussed a little out of frustration. A little rough on the edges is okay when you are still seeking peace with God. 

While I'm learning to use the word to sand some of them down a little, I'm reminded that He is still working on me. He hasn't abandoned me in the craziness of caregiving. He doesn't think I'm too complicated for Him, even though religion might! He doesn't have a bunch of requirements for relationship, He just bids us to come. To sit with Him. And maybe lean into His heart just a little more closely. He wants us there.

Today, I'll remind myself that God really likes hanging out with me, even though I'm a bit rough on the edges!  I'm thankful that He doesn't make me line up with a random set of rules before He'll talk to me. My meditations will be on how He can be happy that I am there. Because He wants me to sit with Him, with or without words, He just wants me to be present with Him, and He wants to be present for me. I think I can trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Check out one of my best-selling books - 31 Days in Psalm 31. It's a devotional taken from Psalm 31 (obviously!) - a time when David was hiding in a cave from Saul - even though he'd been anointed the next king. The social isolation of caregiving can certainly make it feel like we live in a cave, but God is there with us. And that's what this 31-day devotional is all about, exploring and discovering God in the caves of life. You can get the eBook from my shop at Buy Me A Coffee. Or the print and kindle versions are available in my Amazon Shop.