But If Not...
When my son had his wreck over 17 years ago, I didn't leave the floor we were on for 10 days. Then, I only went to the cafeteria to get something to eat. I recall waking up in the SICU waiting room, trying to recalibrate my mind to what was going on, and hoping it'd all been a bad dream. From the beginning, I knew that God was in it. (Whatever that meant.) Honestly, I thought God would touch Chris, he'd do some rehabilitation, and we'd all go back to what we were doing before the crash.
Somehow, I thought, and hoped, that I'd wake up and see God riding in a white horse and rescuing us. Obviously, that did not happen! I openly and frankly admit my frustrations with God and the times I spent so angry at Him for allowing this to happen. But I kept finding that I really couldn't do life without Him, wreck or no wreck. I needed Him to hold me and carry me, no matter how mad I was at Him.
All of these thoughts came rushing back in as I was reminded of the story of the three Hebrew children in Daniel 3. The king threatened them with death via a fiery furnace if they didn't bow to the idol he'd built. They refused to bow. They even went so far as to say, if we are thrown into the furnace, our God is able to deliver us. We know God can deliver us. That's been a struggle for me on this journey. The knowing He can, but seeing that He doesn't. I've honestly struggled with that.
It's what they said next that has my focus. They knew that God was able, but would he? Their next words were, but even if He doesn't...we still won't bow. I think this should be woven into the Christian caregiver's anthem, if there were such a thing. Over time, we settle down. We pray more...
Once we get past the "mad" and realize there's so much more to God than a quick rescue from life's struggles (although those are great too!), He walks with us through them. We can say with the three Hebrew children, But if not....
If He doesn't come riding in on a white horse to rescue me...
If He doesn't cool the fevered brow of our loved one fast enough...
Even if I can't hear Him or feel Him...
I'm still going to reach for Him with my whole heart. We love miracle stories. They inspire us, and help build our faith in God and humanity. But if we don't get one... we're still going to serve Him. We will still cling to Him like our lives depend on it - because they do!
Today, I will let go of the frustrations of caregiving for a moment to embrace the goodness of God. I'll remind myself that He is right here in this with me and He has nowhere else He would rather be. I will trust Him with all my but if nots...starting with trusting Him just for today. Will you join me?
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Affirmations for Caregivers
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