The Burning Question

Caregiving is complex, and it's just hard. Period. As I approach the 18th anniversary of my son's wreck, it has caused much reflection. Caregiving usually comes with losses that can't be described, and sometimes, we don't even realize them ourselves. It's an understatement to say that caregiving has changed my life. It literally changed everything. But in all honesty, there have been some good things that have come about on this journey, too.

I think of Job a lot. In the end, it says that God restored Job. In fact, God doubled Job's worth and wealth. He had more money, real friends, more houses and lands; his siblings came over to eat once again, and he had more children. We love to rejoice in this. It's easy to say that Job was restored by God's hand. But it leaves me with a few thoughts and/or questions.

The point of restoration is to set things back to normal levels. (We don't talk about normal as caregivers lol!) But Job didn't get his children back. His body was healed, yet he has the memory and trauma of those horrible days he fought to live. 

As I watch my own son improve slowly day by day, I wonder: Is it enough? That's my burning question. Can God really restore a life that has been broken and hearts that have been torn apart by widespread loss? What does restoration even look like from here? Is it possible?

Sadly, I have no solid answers. I honestly don't know what restoration looks like, or if anything can make up for the pain and loss of these last 18 years. 

But there are some things that I do know.

• God has not abandoned me in my pain or loss.
• His presence and peace have carried me through many sleepless nights.
• God didn't give up on the "call" on my life just because I became a caregiver. In fact, He miraculously surprised me with it when I thought it was impossible.
• I won't wake up in the morning and have to wonder if God is still with me. He is.
• It's been His strength that has helped me walk out Isaiah 40:28-31.
• He is still my Shepherd and the One who watches over my wounded soul.
• He is still trustworthy, although there were times I doubted this. (He didn't give up on me even then!)
• The Word is still applicable and practical, even for caregivers.
•  I miss my son every single day, and God gets that - without condemning me.

Today, I will meditate on how God has continued to carry me on this journey I never planned. My prayer is that He will help us remember that He never forgets the caregiver, even if friends and family walk away, or no one else ever gets it. I'll be thankful for the "new" picture and definition of love that God has shown me. The kind of love that lays down its life for another. My thoughts will be on how He never turned His back on me. He continues to carry me, hold me, nurture me, and keep me even though my soul is as broken as my son's body. I'll keep that in mind today as I choose to trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

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