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It's a Hold-Up!

 

Chris in the standing frame

One thing caregivers can understand is long nights. Recently, I haven't had them as often, and for that I am thankful. But I do still have some and last night was one of them. I hate it because Chris is uncomfortable and no matter what I do it doesn't help. Since he is nonverbal, he can't tell me to reposition him, sit him up more or less, or that there is a wrinkle in his sheet. His numbers were good (heart rate, 02, and temp), so I talked myself through the night, basically. 

Long Night Talks With God

During those long nights, God and I talk a lot. Well, it's mostly me whining and crying and wondering why a lot. But He listens. And most of the time, He answers. The early hours of this morning were no different. 

I try not to lash out at God, but sometimes I'm just angry. I lost my son and it seems God just "saved" him enough to keep him here to suffer sometimes. Man, those long nights can really show you your own thoughts loud and clear, huh? Last night was different somewhat. I wasn't quite as mad with God. I told Him I wasn't even sure what to ask for. He understood.

I express it all, my frustrations, anger, and feelings of helplessness. And He listens time and time again. In days gone by, I've spent a lot more time yelling at God and crying out to Him. Last night, I just let my heart talk and tried to keep my mind out of it. lol. That was a chore.

When He Answers

Sometime after five this morning, after sleeping very little, I heard myself ask God, maybe You could just hold me. Do you ever get frustrated with Him, but then find yourself returning to Him when you need Him? That's frustrating too! I may be upset that I don't see Him moving on my behalf, but during those long nights, His arms are right where I run. (Anyone else?)

When I asked Him to hold me, to comfort me, and settle my heart, I thought there had to be a scripture expressing my feelings. Sure enough, I found it in Psalm 119:117. The NKJV says Hold me up, and I shall be safe. There is nothing like finding a scripture that matches your heart and words. This one helped me complete my prayer. Hold me up, God! Then, I know I am safe.

The Holding Up Part

I often hold Chris up when he is standing. I put my arms under his arms and if he decides to sit - I've got him! I can move him from one chair to another or to the bed if needed. But for those few moments, I have to hold him up. Sometimes, he leans into me. And that's where I found myself with God. It was as though I had collapsed against a wall and He (the rock, the fortress, my protecting wall) was bolstering me and holding me up. That was all I needed to get up and around and gather myself to face the day. It was a great "hold up"!

Today, I will lean into my Father, God like Chris leans into me. I know I can count on Him to hold me as long as I need holding and He won't move or let me go! I'll trust Him with my tiredness, my fatigue, my loneliness, my fears, and my pain today. And I'll just let Him hold me knowing I'm in His safe place. Will you join me?


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