The Right Kind of Changes

There's no doubt the wilderness changes you, and caregiving can be it's own special kind of wilderness experience. Social interactions change, getting out changes, friendship statuses change, work can be different; just about every aspect of life can be different after we become a caregiver. For some, the changes may be less dramatic, but for others they are enormous. In my particular situation virtually everything changed. How we deal with these changes is a good indicator of our character.

Actually, how we deal with the wilderness reveals unique aspects of our character. The wilderness changes you. I was reading in Hebrews over the weekend and spent quite a bit of time in chapter 4, but this morning I backed up a bit because I wanted to see why the writer started talking about entering into God's rest.

Just before the author's discourse on God's rest he was talking about the children of Israel and how they failed to enter God's rest. Their choices in the wilderness were what separated them from His rest. My loose interpretation is: these same people who loaded up their stuff, spoiled the Egyptians and followed Moses out of slavery to freedom - lost it in the wilderness. They stopped believing God's promise, disobeyed Him and missed the opportunity to enter His rest as a result.

The wilderness isn't an easy place to be. And if you want to look at it one way - Moses was the caregiver for a million rebellious people. How'd you like to tote that around for awhile? They were willing to go with him when they packed up and left the cruelty of Egypt. What were they expecting? Of course they ran smack dab into the Red Sea - God stepped in. And then they ran out of fresh water - God stepped in. And even though they saw God's hand over and over again - they chose to rebel and complain. They were so hardened they missed the opportunity of enjoying His rest. The wilderness changes you.

As we walk through the wilderness of life - we will make choices; we will make changes. One of the first cries of my heart when my son became injured was that I would draw closer to God, not pull away and not become bitter. My desire has been to let life's crucible squeeze out a sweet fragrance and that my life would be lived in a state of worship.

I have not always accomplished this. I have fought, and fit, and spit and cussed many times. I've argued, faltered, given up and been angry more times than I can mention. But in the end - I cling to Him rather than fighting against Him. The wilderness experience forces us to make deep and lasting decisions about our faith and our relationship with God.

Today, I will seek to enter His rest. I'll reflect on the ways the wilderness has changed me - the good and the bad. I'll rejoice in the good and give Him the bad and ask Him for grace. My thoughts will be on His ever-abiding presence and how He hasn't left me in the dry wilderness even when I became a hot mess. I'll embrace His grace today and be thankful for the changes He's brought about in my life, even in the wilderness. Will you join me?

In the Midst of the Storm

This morning during my devotions this poem just came to me. As caregivers, it can feel like we live in a storm; one that never goes away. My heart is set - I will trust Him no matter what a day brings. Here's the poem I got this morning - I hope it speaks to someone today.

Through the Storm

Lord I want to know You

In the midst of the storm

To see You walk on water

And tell my heart "peace, be still"

Let me....

Feel You, hear You, touch You

As life rocks along

I trust You have me 

In the center of Your will

Carry me above

The deceit of wind and waves

May I hear You above the roar

To be with You is all I crave

May I not be distracted

By the crashing tide

For I'm tucked in tight

Held close by Your side

Though the storm keeps raging

May my soul keep seeking

And may I listen carefully

To hear You speaking

Peace be still...

I'll be still...

and Know You are God

(c) May 21, 2016 J. Olinger

Beyond the Cave

As I was going about my early morning routine of making coffee, bolusing and changing my son etc. I just felt heavy. Over the last few weeks I've been toying with the idea of getting rid of stuff... my house is so full. I do think this is a factor. I simply have too much to keep up with. As I walked through the apartment with one eye open (this is BC - before coffee), I thought of how I need to just go through and get rid of stuff. Lots of stuff.

As I walked through my living room, my medal rack caught my eye and I though about how I carry as little as possible with me when I run. I strip down to shorts and a light t-shirt, put my phone in an arm band to keep my hands free, and wear a small runner's belt to hold my keys. I do not wear long pants even when it's cold. And if it is chilly out, I still wear as little as possible because I don't want anything to weight me down.

With a big sigh, I wondered if I got rid of stuff in my life that was weighing me down, could I run the race of life more easily? Hebrews 12:1 immediately came to mind. The writer says: let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. and let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

Once I got my coffee and sat down, I looked it up and read through the chapter. I'm so thankful God continues to show us new stuff when we read His word. He didn't exempt us from learning more about Him and His ways when we became a caregiver, did He?

When I got to verse 12 I read and then reread it. It says this: So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs.  Boy, did I need to hear that this morning! But then, something else caught my attention. The next verse starts out with then those who follow you...

Now I am really focused. You see, the chapter starts out with us running because there is a crowd of witnesses who have already walked the life of faith cheering us on. We are looking at Christ - the author and finisher of our faith, being cheered on by the stories and lives of those who have walked it before... all because there are more folks coming up behind us who need to see examples of His work in our lives.

We can't stop. We can't quit. No matter how difficult life is, how weak we feel, how encumbered we feel - there's more reasons than ourselves to keep on going. They did it - we are doing it - so others can do it too. It can be so easy to get wrapped up in our own little caregiver's cave we forget about others and their struggle.

So today, I'm going to take these weak, tired hands and get a good grip on Him one more time. I'll pull myself up on my tired, shaky legs so I can continue to walk this walk of trusting Him. My thoughts will be on how He empowers me to walk the walk of faith. Those before me have clung to Him with all their strength and I will too! Today I will cling to Him with everything I have and I will keep my focus on His faithfulness. I will trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Safe Keeping

As usual, my mind kicked into high gear as soon as my alarm went off this  morning. I've got so much to do! On one hand, that's a good thing because I don't tend to push the snooze as many times when my mind starts running through today's to-do list before I get one eye open. On the other hand it's very tiring.

I will freely admit I am an over-thinker. I either have hundreds of questions to ask before a statement is finished, or I've worked through 101 scenarios in my mind of what could occur, knowing most likely none of them will!

I do the same thing with caregiving and daily life. As I'm going through my list of gotta do's today, and some get-to-do's too, I realize there really is a lot more than just caregiving on my plate. As I mentioned earlier this week, the aide quit so I've not had any help in the daily chore arena for about 2 weeks - and there's no aide in site.

I never thought of myself as a juggler, just not that coordinated; but lately I'm wondering if I should try again! lol. As caregivers we juggle a lot - our daily caregiving tasks, household chores, finances, and maybe when we are lucky some sort of social interactions. Add to that the fact that many of us hold down full or part time jobs or go to school and we can be a hot mess at any time. What's a caregiver to do?

So while my mind was running through the health coaching session I have scheduled for this afternoon, the work I need to get done for my job, how I'm going to try to relax and just enjoy my grand kids today while they are here, whether or not I should go to taekwondo tonight and rescheduling my late payment I got an email about today, I had this novel idea. How about I just give it all to Him?

Of course my mind went to 2 Peter 5:7 - Casting all your care on Him for He cares for you. Actually, I'm learning that this is the easy part. I can give it all to Him for safe keeping. He will guard my soul, he will provide in the area of finances, and He will give me peace in the midst of my day. So what's the problem?  I keep going back to pick up what I've given Him for safe keeping - like I'm there to pick up a scheduled delivery!

It's one thing to give it all to Him and quite another to leave it with Him. I can give it to Him - but will I trust him with it? 

Today I will seriously put my efforts into learning to leave my cares with Him for safe keeping. I will meditate on 2 Peter 5:7 and figure out how to give Him my worries and concerns. My thoughts will be on trusting Him for another day - and letting Him establish His peace in my heart while I wait for Him. I'm trusting Him with one more day - will you join me?

Are We Looking?

One of the things we face as caregivers is this deep sense of being alone. For me, sometimes it's not as bad; but I can even feel vastly alone even in a crowd. Our lives are just different and it causes gaps that can't always be made up just by being with others.

The feeling can often come and go, but there are times where it feels like it just swallows me whole. Last night was one of those times. I really am not sure I have the words to adequately express what it feels like because it's a lot more than just feeling lonely. I feel totally alone in this world, on my own, and unlike everyone else. Even among caregivers our situations are so unique we can still feel alone. This was still on my mind when I woke up this morning and opened my Bible for morning devotions.

I wasn't looking for anything in particular and my Bible opened at John 14 so I started reading this passage that has been a long time favorite. Firstly, I love Thomas, even though the church has given him a bad rap over the years. Jesus says I am going to prepare a place for you...I will come and get you so you will always be with me where I am. Then He says You know where I am going and how to get there. Thomas is so honest - he says, No, we don't know, Lord. We don't have any idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?

Don't you love his honest expressions? How many times have we asked where are You, Lord? And how many times have we felt like we didn't have a clue where He was, where He was going or what He was doing? This can seriously be a daily thing for the caregiver!

Since I wasn't looking for any answers, and not expecting to find them anyway I continued reading until I stopped after reading verses 15 to 21. Jesus is explaining how He will be sending Holy Spirit to live in us. The Spirit is with the disciples, Jesus explains; but He will be in them. He assures them they will not be abandoned. My thought is I've felt that way. There have been times when I've felt like I was abandoned by life and God.

But Jesus assures the disciples that He is with them - and His Spirit will continue to live in them and they will not be alone. The catch? They will have to look for Him. He's there... He's everywhere. The world will not recognize Him or receive Him. Why? They are not looking for Him. (v.17)

This made me stop and think for a few minutes. Do I recognize Him in my life? More than that, can others recognize His work in my life? Do I acknowledge His ever abiding presence; or just go about my day hoping He is following along? According to scriptures He is always with us; always in us. And even though it might not make that aloneness go totally away - it does bring some comfort to know He is walking this out with me, with us.

Today I will purposefully look for Him as I go about my busy day of caregiving. I'll watch for His touch as the day goes by. My thoughts will be on how He interacts with me throughout the day and how I can recognize that, rather than ignore the truth that He is here. I'll be looking for Him today - will you join me?

A Huge Soul Sigh

You know how everyone talks about how they dread Mondays? I guess it's because they go "back" to work and have to change up from a more relaxed, weekend schedule. I'm finding though that for the caregiver, Mondays are not much different than other days. We don't get weekends off. When Saturday and Sunday roll around, we still have the exact same things to do that have to be done other days of the week. Bathing, transferring, feeding, laundry - none of those stop on Saturday to wait until we are "ready" to go back to work come Monday.

But yesterday did become a little more complicated for me. The aide who hadn't been here in 2 weeks quit. Now that will mess up your Monday especially if you had errands planned. This last minute change-up and lots of work to do for my jobs along with just all the general chores piled high on my plate early in the morning and tried to pull me in under a deluge of anxiety and crazy thoughts. I literally had so many different things to do all at one time that I honestly was confused as to where to start.

So you know what I did? None of them. I decided if I was so distracted it was time to stop. And  I did just that, I stopped, picked up my guitar and began to worship. After I had done a few songs, I went to the keyboard and sang some more. I even wrote a simple chorus - hadn't done that in quite a while.

My point is that there is never too much on our plate to stop and give Him praise. Our plates are always going to be overflowing, our schedules are full and there's not many times there is any relief. But it can all be put on hold for just a couple of minutes to take some time to praise Him for who He is.

Singing a simple chorus, reading through a few verses or saying a prayer is not going to take one thing off our plates. But it brings just a bit of relief. You know what it's like to let out a huge sigh? All your muscles relax and it just feels good? Stopping for just a few minutes to acknowledge His goodness, His faithfulness and His continued provision and offering Him a sacrifice of praise is like a huge soul sigh. When we focus our thoughts on Him for a few minutes and get it off all the things we have to do - our thoughts will tend to gather themselves. Even though it sounds counterproductive, I've found if I give Him some time first - I have a much more productive day.

Today, I'm going to do it again. I will purposefully take a few moments to find something to praise Him for. If I can't see a thing He seems to be doing now - then I will start with thanking Him for creating us all, for giving us breath, for just being there to hear our heart's cry.... My meditation will be on His greatness and not my sense of urgency to get things done. I will let my soul sigh, and I'll turn my heart toward His for one more day. Will you join me?

One More Time

I have to admit this morning that my emotions are all over the place. I'll spare you the details and just say there's a lot going on. We've discussed before that we are not exempt from the rest of life just because we are caregivers. So suffice it to say - I'm on overload....as usual.

Yesterday as I started realizing how much was going on around me, my head started spinning with thoughts. I've admitted before I'm an over-thinker. Someone makes one statement and I've worked through 900 scenarios in my head that could possibly happen. Sometimes it's annoying. :-)

So with lots and lots of different things making my head swirl, I heard my heart cry out to Him last night. In my mind I'm standing before Him with hands outstretched just waiting for some sort of answer. There's not really one answer that will make everything better and I think I just needed to be reminded that He hears my heart. I just needed to know it one more time.

As caregivers, we can live in overload mode (or maybe that's just me!). We need the comfort of His voice, His gentle nudge letting us know He is still with us, He still cares, and He still hears our heart's cry.

I crawled out of bed this morning and drug my emotional self in to search the scriptures for a glimmer of hope; and of course - He met me there. He has this way of showing up when He's invited. I started with Psalm 18 where David so eloquently describes what we hope God does when we call out to Him. He says he called out to God and he prayed for help and my cry reached His ears. (v.6 NLT) And God showed up.

Then the earth quaked and trembled;

the foundations of the mountains shook;

they quaked because of his anger.

Smoke poured from His nostrils,

fierce flames leaped from His mouth

glowing coals flamed forth from Him.

He opened the heavens and came down.....

So I waited this morning for the earth to begin to shake as my heart cried out in anguish. Nothing. I got nothing. So I searched a little further to find that David also had moments like these. In Psalm 22 he describes it pretty well by saying:

My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me?

Why do you remain distant?

Why do you ignore my cries for help?

Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. 

Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.

I love it when God comes riding in on His white horse to rescue us. But what about the times when He doesn't? In both of these Psalms - David went on to praise the Lord. Immediately following his distressed cries in Psalm 22, David says, Yet you are holy.  I cried God - and you didn't listen! I called out and You walked away! I did not get the answer I wanted.....but I know You are holy.

And by the end of Psalm 22 he is singing God's praise:

I will declare the wonders of Your name to my brothers and sisters.

I will praise you among all Your people.

Praise the Lord, all you who fear Him!

Why? David knew, like we know deep down - God has not abandoned. In Psalm 22:24 David goes on to say: He has not ignored the suffering of the needy. He has not turned and walked away. He has listened to their cries for help.

Today I will follow this righteous example. Whether God comes riding in on thunderous clouds, or remains silent in my distress, I will praise Him. My thoughts and meditations will be on His goodness. I will keep myself hidden in Him today and I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?