Are you Engaged Yet?

As a caregiver it can be easy to feel sort of "cut off" from the rest of the world. Our lives usually look much different than the status quo. And even though I can get out and about more now, there was a time I referred to my life in the cave.

The social isolation can be one of the most difficult side roads of caregiving. It doesn't seem to happen overnight, but slowly. One day you look up and realize not only has your world changed, but your people groups have too. Sadly, in many cases there are few people, if any, who can stand to walk alongside the caregiver.

We may not get invited to social events. If we do get invites, it can be difficult or even impossible to attend. Sometimes, for me, just the thought of trying to manage my schedule so it coordinates with Chris' needs, get him dressed, fed at the right time, and loaded in the van is too overwhelming to even attempt going out. This drives the stake further in and separates me from things I used to enjoy doing. Other times, I load him up and head down the road. Social life can be virtually non-existent, slowly dwindling or barely hanging on - if there is any hope of it at all.

One thing I really wish for my son is for him to have a friend. He had tons of friends before his wreck and they were all so young when it happened, they really didn't know what to do with it....or with him. What do I expect? He cannot communicate - can't hold a conversation. He can't go out with them. He can't even relate to them anymore and of course they cannot relate to him. So he is left inside himself - to battle alone. That breaks my heart and is one of the pains of caregiving.

On the other side of that proverbial coin though, is us. We are here and many times fail to communicate with God. Having discussions and conversations with Him requires faith. How many times have we (or I) failed to talk to God because we don't hear back from Him, don't think He can hear us, or we think we (or He) cannot relate to us anymore? How that must hurt His heart sort of like mine hurts for my son's lack of interaction.

God can be so easy to ignore as we go about our busy days. I have a "google mind" as one of my friends put it. It goes 900 miles an hour and each term, picture, thought or question generates pages of results over and over again. It can be tricky to get it slowed down enough to engage with God and hear Him. Just like it's difficult for my son's friends to stop long enough to communicate with Chris - whether he can engage or not. How many times do you think God tries to engage us and we sit there silently or going so fast we "don't have time" to hear Him? I'm determined to slow myself and my mind down enough to engage with Him - for He is the source of life.

Today, I will learn to "be still." I'm going to purposefully stop and listen for His input. I will step out of the way and let my heart engage with Him. I'll consider myself "engaged" to Him and anticipate his eager response. My thoughts will be on giving Him the highest seat in my heart. I will rest in Him, I will listen for His slightest move and I will rest in Him as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Superhero to Zero

There are days when I feel like Superwoman. I get adequate hours in at work, a lot accomplished on my writing, my devotions done, goals met for Chris, housework done and maybe even get us out for a nice run.

And then there are days I do not.

I'm sure I'm the only caregiver who has days where I worry a lot about what I need to get done, spend time wringing my hands, drinking coffee and staring at the wall. I'm all spaced out - I'm on overload and breathing is enough work for the day! (Am I alone?)

Of course, there are also plenty of days in between where I get tasks completed, but not near what I had hoped. Those days I have to encourage myself and reaffirm the things I did get done and just let the rest go. That's where my thoughts were when I realized - I'm not Superwoman. Not only do I not have the body build for that role, I simply can't do more than what is humanly possible. I can't do more than what is cargiving-ly possible either!

I have to hang up the cape and learn to be content with what I can get done each day. It's okay if I storm the city gates and tear down the walls only to build new ones on Monday. And then feel like Chris' basic care is all I have the energy for on Tuesday. I have no idea how we can go from superhero to zero all in a day, but we do. At least I do!

We can see in Philippians 4, that Paul may have also had some of these feelings. His caregiving was much different than ours as he had the responsibility of taking care of all the new baby Christians, and the church that was still in a baby state needing tons of extra attention to help bring order. His plate was full too - just different from ours.

It's easy to quote verse 11 where Paul said he had learned to be content in whatever circumstances he was in. But contextually, he is speaking of facing some rough times of his own. He goes on to say he knew how to live in prosperity - and with want. He knew how to be full - and go hungry if need be. He knew how to have abundance - and suffer need. The faith-ers don't like to think about going hungry, having needs or suffering. They seem to think if they ignore it it will go away - or it doesn't exist and can be confessed away. And while I am a big proponent of guarding our confessions and keeping out mouths in line with the Word, we still have to deal with the gritty day-by-day and take it as it comes.

Right now, I am struggling to keep my head above water. I've got far more on my plate than what I will be able to physically accomplish. I'm willing to hang up my cape and go from superhero to zero and be content in Him.

Today, I will turn my meditation to His provision. I will wait on Him instead of thinking I can do it all myself.  I'll contentedly be the zero in life's equation today and let Him be the Hero. Instead of worrying, I'll turn my thoughts to all the ways He has provided for me over these caregiving years - and even before. My thoughts will be on Him - not me. I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Unplugged

If anyone understands me I know it's you, my fellow caregivers. And thankfully, we are a forgiving bunch. I know I've been MIA for quite awhile but I'm refocused and ready to go again. I found myself totally overwhelmed by everything and just had to unplug for a bit. I'm all plugged in now and we're good.

Of course, caregivers can't unplug like others can as there are some things that simply cannot be let go. Even if we "take a break" there are some things that can't be ignored. I can cut back on my work, rearrange my daily schedule, simplify my daily processes like cooking and cleaning - but caregiving can't be "cut back" on.

Each day is about the same whether we're feeling it or not. We don't get to just break from bathing, feeding, dressing, or exercising our loved one just because we're on overload. Add to that complicated situation those things that may seem simple to others like aides that don't show up as scheduled, nurses who like to make surprise visits, making a living and "normal" family matters and daily life and for me it means I gotta check out for a bit and find myself in the pile. And that is why I've been MIA for awhile.

With the new year I have a new determination to do some things I want to do. One of them is keep up this blog and some others as well. I want to write some of my stuff instead of just for "the other guys." So here I am.

I opened my Bible this morning to remove the bookmark and my eyes fell on this verse from Isaiah 49:

And now says the Lord, 

who formed me from the womb

to be His servant.....

That little phrase stood out to me - He formed me to be His servant. I am made to worship Him no matter what life throws at me and no matter how crazy the days may get around me. I was born for this.

But the last phrase in this verse stood out to me as well. It says My God is my strength. Not only did He form me so my every breath and actions could worship Him, He gives me the strength to continue. Talk about a cool package deal, right? We are not out here on our own trying to find a way to keep on worshiping Him in the midst of the fiery furnace - He is empowering us to serve Him. There are no exclusions. No exceptions. No unlesses....we are His servant and He is our strength. I like that.

Today I will meditate on being born to worship and serve Him. I can do that with intention today. I'll refocus my thoughts and actions on how He empowers me to walk with Him, how He carries me through the rough days and walks with me through the lighter ones. I'll think about what it means to be invited to walk with Him, the King of Kings. And I will rejoice once again that He has not left me to face life alone. I'll be content in Him and rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Perfect Storm

This morning as promised, I stayed in Mark 4. I've been thinking about what I read a lot since yesterday's devotional. I am wondering if caregiving isn't its own little world. And of course each caregiver and their situation is another unique world. Think about the caregivers you know and their situation has its own definitive circumstances. No two situations are exactly alike.

One one hand, we're quick to compare and contrast our situations with others. Yet on the other hand, there's no way to compare what each of us go through with another. We each deal with our own storm the best we can. The cool thing is that God's word doesn't change to match our situation - but it is applicable for each of us.

The first 24 verses of Mark 4 contains teachings of Jesus. He was discussing and describing the Kingdom of God. He talked about a farmer planting seed on different types of soil and how the seed (the message) responded in those situations. Then in verse 26 He described the Kingdom like a farmer planting the seed - from the seed's point of view.  It grows silently, secretly before the farmer's very eyes. And then He said the Kingdom was like a mustard seed - where something small grows into something huge unexpectedly; and provides shelter. (I'll be thinking more on these things!)

Then right after He finished, He and His disciples got in a boat to cross to the other side. But they ran into a strong storm. The disciples were terrified - that kind of scared that's beyond reason. They thought they were going to die. But when they turned to Jesus - He was asleep in the boat!

They yelled at Him, Don't You care we are about to die? He got up and calmed the storm. They were still in the boat. They were still in the water. Jesus was still in the boat. As caregiver's we stay in the water in the boat. And God stays there with us too. Jesus didn't get out of the boat.

Then He said to them Do you not still have faith in me?  In this same story, shared by Luke in chapter 8 this phrase was translated as Where is your faith? He did not rebuke them for their fear, even though He questioned it in Mark's account. He didn't berate them. He just asked them where their faith was.

Over the last few years, I must say my faith has been redefined, but as I read this I thought about His question to the disciples - Where is your faith? There have been times I have been angry that He was asleep! How dare He sleep while I'm going through? Right??? But my faith always comes back around to this deep-rooted trust in Him.

He is not worried about my situation - although He is concerned and connected. He knows there's a storm. He knows it's a strong storm. He also knows how to speak peace in the midst of the storm. Even though He speaks peace - it doesn't mean we get out of our boat! What I love is that God can speak peace into our situation right in the midst of it all. I am wound pretty tight, but when He speaks peace it's overwhelming. Sometimes I need to be reminded to embrace His peace in the storm. Let the world rock crazily out of control around me - but remember that He is in the boat - He did not crawl out or escape when the going got rough.

Today I will turn my thoughts away from the storm and to the peace He provides. John 14:27 says He gives us a peace that's not like what the world gives. Jesus also reminds us, don't be troubled or afraid. My meditation today will be on how I can focus on the peace He provides and how I can keep from being troubled or afraid. My thoughts will be on His peace - the peace that goes beyond our understanding. I will rejoice that He is still in the boat with me on life's troubled seas. He knew the storm was coming and didn't choose to not go along for the ride. I'll rest in the truth that He is with me - and that He gives peace,freely. And I will trust Him for one more day in the midst of the perfect storm. Will you join me?

Seeing Through the Caregiver's Fog

Other than the social isolation of caregiving, I think the wrestling with depression is one of the most difficult things I deal with. I can be fine, having a good day and some memory or small challenge can spark a deluge of emotions that send me off into la-la land. It doesn't take much, honestly. I'd like to say I'm alone in these emotional roller coaster rides, but from what reading I have done, it's common for the caregiver.

Over the last few weeks, the struggle has been so real as I'm sure it is for many. This morning I found myself trying once again to pull myself out of the caregiver's fog. I was actually thinking about storms and how natural storms pass. Caregiving does not. And for my situation I'm looking at a life that looks just like this for the rest of my life. It does get to me from time to time.

So, I went to the Word looking for the story of Jesus and His disciples facing the storm in the boat. I found it in Mark chapter 4. But the parable at the first of the chapter caught my attention. That means we'll still talk about the storm tomorrow! lol

Mark 4 starts with the parable of the sower who sowed the seeds in different types of soil. I know Jesus was giving us an analogy of the Kingdom of God and as He explains to His disciples later the seed is the message of the Kingdom which is sowed and the outcome depends on the condition of the soil. But as I read it I thought about the changes in my life on a day to day basis and my heart's response to the Word.

I can look at my days and see how some days are very fruitful. I have energy, I'm positive, my faith is high and things go generally well. Then other days are more like the thorny soil where every hope is choked out by thorns of caregiving or life in general. Some days the Word of God seems to speak to me personally and lifts me right out of the muck and mire as it sinks deeply into the soil of my heart. Other days God seems silent and I feel I'm left in a dry, rocky place to try and navigate on my own.

Of course there are lots of in-between days where there are series of ups and downs. I can go from laughing and enjoying the progress my son makes to weeping because the "picture" of his life is all messed up. Really. I should be rejoicing that he's marrying, having children, exploring his chosen career; not the fact that he regained head control or moved his right foot. Such mixed emotions - the storms of the caregiver's life.

Now the good part is that later on in this same chapter, Jesus explained the seed itself a little more fully. When the seed is sown there is not always an immediately recognizable growth spurt. As a matter of fact, it seems as if nothing is happening. As the farmer "goes about his days" the seed sprouts and grows without his direct knowledge.

So what does this mean for the caregiver? For me today? It means that God's word is enough.  It means that it is sown - it will grow. On the days I (or we - if you're with me) don't see it  - I'm not feelin' it - His word is still tucked away in my heart. It's not discarded. It's secretly growing and as I go about my caregiving tasks, it'll continue to grow and it will bear fruit in my life.

The caregiver doesn't get an exclusion in the Word. God didn't make ONE promise where He said "this is applicable for everyone but the caregiver."!

So today I will try to keep my focus. I will meditate on the fact that His word IS growing in me - whether I see it or not. I'll turn my thoughts to truths like - I didn't get kicked out of the Kingdom when I became a caregiver. My meditation will be on the truth that His word still stands and every promise is still true. I will shift my focus to those things I cannot see. And I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Those Who Mourn Get to Play Too!

The other night, I was headed to taekwondo and glanced over in time to see the sun rays escaping through the clouds. I thought of how dark the clouds had become, how close to earth and how just a tiny little break allowed sunlight to flow through and reach my line of sight. The sun is never gone, we just don't always see it.

On a cloudy day, we don't really forget about the sun, we don't consider that it might be burnt out or displaced. We have an understanding that it is right where it's supposed to be but we can't see it. I think sometimes for the caregiver, life can cloud our way and we can't see, feel or experience God like we'd like to.

There are some days between caregiving and working online I barely have time to breathe. But our God is always right here with us -whether we see Him, feel Him, know Him or not. And He is anxiously waiting for us to turn to Him. He's sort of like the sun - hiding behind the clouds waiting for just a slight break to make His grand entrance into our day.

I'm still in Isaiah 61 and this morning I noted that He is the one who gives to those who mourn in Zion. First of all, Zion is also called the dwelling of the Lord. What? I remember being shocked the first time I realized there was any mourning in Zion at all. How could Zion and mourning coexist? But right here in Isaiah 61:3 God says how He deals with those who are mourning in Zion. He says He will give them beauty for ashes, He will give joy instead of mourning, He will give praise instead of despair. Pretty amazing if you ask me!

He is replacing all the pain and filling it up with Himself. He doesn't ignore the pain and pretend it doesn't exist. Instead, He acknowledges that there are those in Zion - those in Him - who have ashes, are mourning and are in despair. Then He replaces it with the opposite.

They Then it goes on to say that HE planted them like strong oaks for His glory. Wow! I found this very encouraging - we are not abandoned to caregiving, we are the planting of the Lord. I just need to think about that for a little while.

When I'm done meditating on that truth, I want to look at verse 4. I like this verse because it's easy for caregivers to feel inactive as far as building the kingdom of God goes. But in verse 4 the prophet says those who are mourning in Zion are the same ones God is going to use.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

They will repair broken down cities

They will revive what was empty

They will be called "priests of the Lord"

They will be ministers of God

I find that simply an amazing promise to those who mourn. There is life after mourning. There is life after and during grief. He may not change anything about the situation - but He replaces and replenishes right in the midst of destruction and devastation. Remarkable. All is not lost - He visits the caregiver - right where we are and fills us up with Himself.

Today I'm going to look for ways He increases my joy, pours spiritual oil in my wounds, and lifts me out of the ashes of my life. My thoughts will be on how He can use me from here - not waiting to be somewhere else. I will meditate on His total acceptance of who I am and what I do - and His willingness to accept me and use me in the midst of the storm. I'll also do what I can to find that little part in the clouds where His light shines through - and I'll bask in it. I'm ready to trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

The Point of No Return

This morning I continued reading in Isaiah 61 and there are several things that keep leaping off the page and into my heart. Just for the record, I needed that right about now.

This passage is very familiar to us church-goers and we recognize it as the same passage that Jesus read when He first stood in the temple. It's easy for us to visualize Jesus saying The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me because He has anointed me to proclaim the good news. But it becomes difficult for us to read it for ourselves. I think that difficulty is magnified even more as caregivers.

Sometimes we can be made to feel as though we don't play a significant role in society. I know for me, at least at first, I felt like more of a drain on society, definitely not a benefit. We become absorbed into caregiving - we have to. This can make it hard to see beyond our little box. How can we influence a generation?  How can we proclaim the Kingdom of God? How can we share the good news? We demonstrate it.

Even though we may not be standing up behind a pulpit come Sunday morning because we'll still be doing the same caregiving tasks we were doing the rest of the week, doesn't mean we aren't proclaiming the Kingdom of God. Actually, all the while we are changing, bathing, feeding, clothing, transferring and other tasks associated with taking care of another whole person - we are proclaiming His love. His grace. His mercy. His kindness and His strength to the generations.

The obvious question now is how?  Right? First of all, we've discussed in previous posts how we demonstrate the true love of God by laying down our own lives to care for another. We show another side of the same love that held Jesus on the cross by surrendering our life on behalf of another. Each motion we make in taking care of our loved one is a demonstration of His love.

Secondly, proclaiming His kingdom doesn't always require words. How do I know this? Psalm 19:1 says this:

The heavens tell of the glory of God.

The skies display His marvelous craftsmanship.

Day after day they continue to speak;

Night after night they make Him known.

So far I have never heard the sun, moon or stars utter a word. We literally do not hear the voice of nature telling of His glory - but we see it demonstrated. Nature is cyclical and doesn't have an end. One plant yields more seeds and more plants grow - so there can be more seeds. The water cycle continues to circle around - the earth isn't making more water - it's a limited supply that goes around and around. Seasons run in a certain order every single year. Even though there can be some slight variations, they don't vary from the pre-designed course that He set into motion.

The same way we hear nature proclaiming His glory, others can see His kingdom demonstrated in the life of a caregiver. If they take time to look. Many don't want to look. It's not always pretty. But neither is nature if you look deeply enough. Every time we do something for our loved one, our actions are declaring His kingdom. Simply wiping the drool from my son's face says, I'll cover you. I'll protect your dignity.  And God does the same thing for us when He wipes away the things in our lives that are not appealing.

I think it's important for us to know, or at least I need to be reminded, that we were not displaced in His kingdom when we became a caregiver. He did not boot us out and call us unfit. We are still just as much a part of the Kingdom of God as a caregiver, as we were before. It has literally no bearing on our standing in His kingdom. We cannot earn His kingdom, we do not work to get into it - it's ours. Period. He doesn't stand there with a clipboard and a checklist asking what our profession is, what social class we are in, our income level or anything else. We are part of the Kingdom because we worship Him as our king. 

He took us from the kingdom of darkness and placed us in the kingdom of light (Colossians 1:13). He did not prepare a way for us to go back. We are planted in Him, in His word, in His kingdom permanently. No tragedy is big enough to remove us!

Today I'm going to meditate on being in His hand, in His kingdom. I'll turn my thoughts to how He can cause my life as a caregiver to bring Him glory. He is the power source - and He is able to cause what feels like a very broken life to demonstrate and proclaim His kingdom. I have to trust Him to do what He says - I don't need to make Him. He's good for it. So I'll trust that He is big enough to keep me in the kingdom where He placed me - and He is powerful enough and smart enough to shape it so it brings Him glory. And with that, I will rest in Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?