So, How Are You?

Do you get confused like I do when someone asks How are you? As you know by now, I'm an over-thinker and my mind can go a hundred different directions with what seems like a simple question. Do you want to know how I am as a caregiver? Not likely. Or perhaps you want to know how I am physically. Less likely - menopausal, but I did just run my 23rd half marathon, that can be intimidating. Would you like to know how my work is going? Busy, as usual I can't keep up. What about emotionally? You really don't want to know that one - because I can be all over the place for no reason at all - pick an answer from ecstatic to depressed, I don't care. lol

But we all know that no one really wants an honest answer to the question, so we just say, Oh, I'm good.  Or maybe something about being fine and doing well. Because that's the  polite thing to do, and it's safer too because those who are not caregivers can't quite grasp where we are, but it's okay because God does. He can handle it, He can handle us. He's not scared of our emotional ups and downs, our crazy thoughts (maybe that's just me), or our weird little worlds. I'm so thankful for that.

So, this morning I was reading along and came across a verse in Psalms that I've read plenty of times before and I'm pretty sure I've sung it in a song or too back in the day. But today it hit me a bit differently for some reason and  it generated a bunch of questions in my mind - as you see that's not that difficult to do.

Psalm 84:11 simply says- For the Lord God is a sun and shield. That's the first part of the verse, but I didn't make it past that. I guess I usually thought sun - like the big yellow light in the sky; and shield like a piece of armor you carry into battle to protect you. But this morning I realized I wasn't sure that made sense. I was okay with the fact that He is my light, and He is my shield in battle.

But why would the psalmist say it that way? Why would he use two such different terms as if they belonged together? Then it hit me. Maybe the psalmist meant that God is our sun - when we need the light of day; and He's our shield when the heat is too much for us to bear. In short - He's whatever we need right now. If I need the warmth of the sun - He can do that. If it's too hot for me, and I need a break - He can do that too. He can cover wherever we are in the How are you? categories. He can meet us where we are and calm our thoughts.

So the question becomes what do you need today? Or what do you need right now? Do you need direction and a light on your path? Or do you need a break, a moment to get out of the heat and catch your breath? Either way - He;s good for it. He really is everything for us - whatever we need.

Today, I'm going to focus on how He can be my sun - light, direction, warmth. And He can also be my shield - protection, wind-breaker, shelter. I'll meditate on how He really is my everything. He's all I truly need. I'll give Him all the crazy thoughts and emotions - and let Him carry me through one more day. Will you join me?

I Love You O Lord My Strength

As you know, I love the psalms, and I've been studying them looking at them from a somewhat different angle. As I read them, I'm thinking of how David was both a psalmist and a warrior. This has been an interesting study and I've learned a lot. I am making a bit of progress on the project. Hopefully, I'll have something together on it soon and can share it with everyone.

Last night I was looking over my notes and my attention was drawn to Psalm 18. I've always liked this particular psalm, but what I noticed last night was the difference in David in the first few verses and some of the latter verses. He starts out with that psalmist heart by (in my mind) singing - I love you O Lord my strength! And by verse 40 he's talking about smashing the enemy. Now, I realize throughout this psalm, and many others, David gives credit to the Lord for strengthening him for the battle.  David says that God taught his hands to war, and that by God's strength he could run through a troop and leap over a wall. This warrior attributes his victories to the Lord.

In my mind, David cleans the blood off his sword, then picks up his harp and sings about how his God led him to victory. In this psalm, though, David starts out with what I interpret as a softness... singing about his love of the Lord. I love You O Lord my strength.... right before he smashes the enemy.

I think as caregivers we can relate. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God strengthens us for this walk. It is He who carries us through the darkest, roughest times. We can sing I love You O Lord my strength!  And mean it. Those tender moments we have with Him can be what carries us through the tougher moments. We can relate to David when he says the Lord teaches him to war. Or when he says You've strengthened my hands for battle. We know that's true.

One minute we are singing His praises and the next we may be in an altercation with the agency that sends the aides. We can be praising Him and then have to tend to the baser needs of our loved ones. It's those tender moments with Him that carry us through the tougher spots we face. Because I love Him I don't want to walk through anything without Him. I need Him to strengthen me to face the day, and I have to get up-close-and-personal for Him to do that.

Today I will rejoice that He gives me the strength for this walk. I'll thank Him for walking it with me and for empowering me to continue walking with Him. My thoughts will be on how He smashes my enemy (fill-in-the-blank... depression, discouragement, exhaustion...). I'll meditate on His strength and how it is strong in my weakness. And I will rely on and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Closer Than He's Ever Been

Crazy, crazy week. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say I've seen one of every basic medical worker except a surgeon this week. Yup - including firefighters, EMT personnel, ER physicians and techs, who by the way don't know how to transfer a handicapped person from a table to a chair, to home visit nurses and case managers. It's been one of those weeks - one caregivers are all too familiar with.

Over the last couple of hectic days, I also made a choice. I decided I would not focus on all the things that were demanding my attention. This doesn't mean I abandoned my responsibilities in any way - I just didn't let them have me. Instead of wringing my hands, I chose to lift them. I stopped in the middle of the craziness and focused on Him.

I also refocused in the natural too. How do you do that? I'm glad you asked. It can be easy to get off on some of the many things we can't do because of our caregiving situations. So, instead of thinking about how I couldn't travel, or do this or that, I decided to think about what I have done since I became a caregiver. Here are a few things I've done that might not have happened otherwise:

• got my Master's in Health Education
• became a health coach
• became a full-time freelance writer
• ran a marathon (just one)
• learned to love to run
• worked up to advanced belts in taekwondo
• learned to work from home
• taught English via skype to nations around the world
• taught in an orphanage in Pakistan

That's just a few of the "cool" things I've done since I became a caregiver. Simply shifting my focus made a big difference in my attitude. But I also made this shift spiritually. I started thinking about all He's done for us. I thought about how He has provided all along the way. You can tell I haven't missed a meal! lol We have not gone without for one day. He reestablished me in Him - and in His word and gave me such a deeper meaning of faith - a faith that is now applicable in everyday life. I learned how to be totally open and honest with God about my feelings - and He didn't get mad at me.

His love is sweeter and His grace is closer than they've ever been to me. I think I know Him just a little better and I wouldn't trade for that. His word has new life-sustaining meaning for me. I've heard Him singing over me - heard the song of His heart and felt His tender love for me. His sustaining power is real and his Word is rooted deeper in my heart than ever before. 

He has filled me with peace, comforted me when I was distraught, and walked this journey with me. He has not abandoned me or left me stranded emotionally, physically, or spiritually. He's closer than He's ever been. And for that I am thankful. The psalmist said, the nearness of my God is good.

Today I will meditate on how good it is to have God walking this journey with me. I'll tune my thoughts in to His love and grace and let Him have my focus today. I'll turn my meditations to His ever abiding presence, His sustaining mercy, His everlasting kindness and grace. And that's where I will rest my emotions and thoughts as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

From Darkness to Light - Cocoon to Flight

There's just something about getting out in the fresh air and sunshine that revives you. Health-wise I know the sun causes our bodies to make vitamin D, which is essential and not found naturally in very many foods. Pure old sunshine also helps in the fight depression. As the spring weather has sprung, I'm trying to get myself and my son out the door a bit more to benefit from the natural elements.

One of the things I liked about this apartment when I found it nearly 6 years ago was the nice park behind it. There is a very nicely maintained paved walkway and a Frisbee golf course. For the little ones, there's a water pad on the end away from where we live. From my door, to through the park and back is just over one mile, so it makes a nice little walk.

Yesterday on our walk through the park, I saw the beauty of spring. There were several different types of butterflies, and colorful flowers scattered throughout the park. I'm not sure what it is exactly that seeing butterflies and flowers makes better, but at least it makes me smile a bit. Maybe the freshness of spring is just - refreshing. There's the promise of new life and maybe a little bit of hope associated with it.

But as we enjoy the beauty of a new butterfly or a freshly grown wildflower, we don't even see the struggle it took to produce them. The butterfly struggled to break out of the cocoon; and the flower fought through layers of dark soil to emerge into the sunlight. We just see the beauty and forget about the struggle. Somehow we miss the part about the frail little stem that fought through dirt and grit, withstood harsh conditions and fought to produce the little flower that makes us smile. Neither we nor the butterfly remembers the struggle of fighting off the binding of the cocoon to be able to spread wings. Gently they unfolded and as they dried they soon gave way to flight.


Our trouble may very well be that we not only remember the struggles, but are still fighting through them every single day. People say you're so inspiring. I'm like - no I'm surviving. Maybe they see the fruit of the struggle, and yes there is fruit. They see the flower - the love we have for our caregivee, the dedication to the journey, and the sheer tenacity it takes to keep going. What they don't see or understand is the time in the cocoon, or the time underground. But we remember well. That's partly because we are still living it day after day.

All I can hope for at the end of the day is that people see the flower or the butterfly rather than the struggle. These things were on my mind this morning as I read Romans 8. We know verse 28, and at times hate to hear that all things work together for good... I've heard myself think, yeah, I know. But knowing that somehow He can turn all the pain, suffering, and struggles into something good, doesn't help working through the process any easier.

I think we've heard that verse out of context for a long time now. It's our go-to verse for everything we don't understand. But the verses just before it we often ignore.

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress.

For we don't even know what we should pray for,

nor how we should pray.

But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings

that cannot be expressed in words.

And the Father who knows all hearts

knows what the Spirit is saying

for the Spirit pleads for us believers

in harmony with God's own will.

We just seem to bypass these two verses since we don't understand them and grab the one that is supposed to make everything better. We miss that He helps us in our distress. That part of caregiving that is similar to struggling to get out of a cocoon. He understands us when we don't even know what we should pray or how to pray, just like the butterfly was waiting for its wings to dry before it takes flight. And then there's this phrase that stuck out to me - He knows our hearts.

Today, I'm going to rest in the fact that He knows my heart. I'm going to turn my thoughts to how He can see the most hidden parts of my soul - and think about how I'm actually okay with that. I want Him to see me, to know me. My meditation will be on how while He's making all this work out for good somehow - Holy Spirit is behind the scenes praying for me to make it, carrying me across the finish line, helping me emerge from the darkness into flight. Yeah, He's got this. He's got me. He's got you. And with that thought - I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Every Single Time

There are so many different situations caregivers deal with. I think there are entirely different dynamics between taking care of a child and caring for a parent. There's also different emotional packages for those who care for adult children who have become injured or ill, and caring for a child who was born with a condition. Even though each of these are caregiving roles, there's no way to compare them as they are each unique even if there are some similarities.

It's a whole different set of emotions dealing with my son's situation and  dealing emotionally with my mom's slow decline. I'm not specifically a caregiver for her, but she stays with me from time to time and I try to help out when I can. But I kinda got my hands full here. And that's a whole other set of emotions - feeling like I can't provide for my parents as much as I'd like to because I'm already a caregiver.

These are thoughts that are going through my mind this morning as I am working through some of my emotional pain. It may be the only constant in caregiving. And boy is it constant. This weekend has been one of lots of memories. It started with a simple post about the poisonous snakes in Oklahoma. A specific memory of a hike Chris and I took together surfaced. It was a funny memory of a hike cut short due to a snake. I laughed. I cussed. I cried.

Memories can be my best friend, or my worst enemy. I'm glad I have them. But they can cause so much pain. I think I'm making progress whatever that might look like because as memories came up this weekend and pain rose to the top, I didn't get quite as angry with God. It's kind of funny actually. The pain comes up and I don't know anything to do with it but to run to Him. I stand there with a broken heart asking all my why questions to which there are no answers. None that would suffice anyway.

There's this rush of emotions - I'm bringing my pain to Him, but then I'm mad at Him. But I'm bringing my aching soul anyway. Because I don't know of a better place to take it but to the One who can heal. That makes me angry again for a second or two. I think because He is the ONLY one who could do something. But He didn't.

But here I am before Him once again with my broken heart asking Him to soothe, comfort and heal. He never rolls His eyes and says, you again?  He never tells me I can't "come in" because I'm partly mad at Him still. He never turns me away. He doesn't tell me I'm too much to handle or I've run out of tickets to see Him. He doesn't get tired of me. Instead , in my mind He welcomes me,  brushes me off, straightens my clothes and smooths them out, pushes my hair out of my eyes and tells me He loves me. I'm welcome there. Every.Single.Time.

He doesn't get tired of me running to Him with the constant pain and grief from caregiving. Instead He somehow brings comfort and then pours His strength in me. I have lots of scriptures running through my head right now but the most prominent is a familiar one from Isaiah 40. It says this:

O Israel, how can you say the Lord doesn't see your troubles?

How can you say God refuses to hear your case?

Have you not heard or understood?

Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of all the earth?

He never grows faint or weary.

No one can measure the depths of His understanding.

He gives power to those who are tired and worn out;

He offers strength to the weak.

And that's where I stand up and identify. Hey - I'm in the Bible - that's me!! I'm tired, worn out and weak. But He give me power, and offers me strength. 

Today I will be thankful that He is always there for me and never turns me away. I'll meditate on how He shares His strength with me when I have none left of my own. My thoughts will be on that spot where I feel I am standing before Him broken and alone...and He's not afraid to touch me. I'll be thankful that He meets me with His strength every single time. And I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Rough Hands - Soft Heart

It's been another crazy week around here, sometimes I wonder what happened to my cave. I used to go days without talking to a soul and now it seems my apartment has a revolving door and my phone doesn't stop. Sometimes I think I need a bit of a break, but most times I actually like it because it's more like my true "norm." My house has always been a hub of activity and my friends know I have an open door policy. Basically, anyone's welcome anytime. It's just who I am. But it can keep me on my toes when it comes to balancing out caregiving, jobs and the rest of life.

Last night was a late night as many have been lately. I had a project due for a client and lots of work on my plate. I did change my alarm this morning to a bit later so I could get a little sleep. I know it's necessary but it can seem like such a waste. (slightly joking) Do you know what I could get done in that 4-6 hours? I get frustrated because I'm human and my body demands it. lol

This morning as I grabbed my first cup of coffee and was reading with just one eye open.... I found some interesting thoughts in Psalm 143. One of my projects in the works right now is on David and how he was so fully a worshiper and a warrior. As I was reading this psalm this morning I thought about the contrast of his calloused hands playing an instrument as graceful and beautifully soothing as a harp. But doesn't that contrast explain David well? Doesn't it also give a picture of caregiving? The calloused hands from the hard work, yet in the crushing the sweet fragrance of His grace can be sensed.

I'm reading and re-reading this psalm and seeing some of the contrasts. First, I like that he spent very little time focused on the enemy but just mentions that it was a difficult fight. You know how I can get caught up in the details of the enemy! (Don't get me started on the aide that didn't show up again yesterday!) I also like how David was transparent with his feelings. But mostly, I like what he said about God.

I think David is one of our beloved Bible characters because of his open honesty about how he felt. Although I don't like saying it that way because it seems to take away from the realness of who he was. In psalm 143 he says several things about himself that maybe the caregiver can relate to at one time or another. He said he was:

• losing all hope
• paralyzed with fear
• deepening depression
• I think I'm going to die

Have we ever felt this way? Overwhelmed, hopeless and depressed. I've been there. Thankfully, I am not there right now  - but it can be a constant battle to keep our heads up and stay positive when we are swimming in caregiving. We can be open and honest about how we feel. God already knows anyway.

David also makes some very cool statements about God in this psalm. I love the words he uses to describe Him. He uses words like these to describe God:

• faithful
• righteous
• unfailing love
• gracious

In the process of this written prayer, possibly even sung by David, he asks God for a few things too. I think these are great things for caregivers to ask of God as well. He asks God to:

• Show me where to walk
• Save me from my enemies
• Teach me to do Your will
• Lead me on firm footing
• Bring me out of this distress
• Cut off my enemies

David didn't try to act like the enemy didn't exist and was actually very clear that his struggle was with the fact that he did.  He also said a few things about the enemy. He said:

• he's chasing me
• he knocked me to the ground
• forced me to live in the darkness

That can happen on any given day, can't it. Because we live with our emotional cup all the way to to the brim all the time, what seems to be the littlest thing can topple us over. Talk about living on the edge.I think caregivers own that edge. (smile)

Now what I noticed is that David mentioned 3 things about the enemy, 4 things about himself and the rest was about God or asking Him for help. This tells me where his focus was. Faithful, righteous, gracious and loving. That's our God. No matter what we have to face or walk through today - His attributes do not change, not even a bit. He never stops being faithful. He never says I can't handle this. And He handles someone like me who is quite rough on the edges with so much grace. I need that today. 

Today I'm going to think about how faithful and gracious He is. My thoughts will be on how He doesn't lose patience with me - when I lose patience with life. I'll meditate on this life, calloused by the journey can still pour out the sweet fragrance of worship. And He likes that. I'm going to trust this faithful, gracious, loving, and righteous God with one more day. Will you join me?

Even a Sigh Catches His Ear

You really never know what a day is going to bring. Many of us became caregivers because of a tragic event like I did with my son. Others may care for parents or loved ones who are in a slow decline like my Mom. Either way, we do the best we can with what we have to work with each day.

No one knows this path unless they walk it. There are many difficulties, as well as many blessings along the way. For me, one of the most difficult parts of this journey has been hooking back into scriptures. It took some time as I was so angry with God for allowing this to happen. Then it took more time for Him to reshape my faith and help me understand Him more fully. He's not a magical potion that keeps trouble away - but instead a powerful force that carries me through.

Sometimes when I read familiar passages I can still feel the struggle between what I thought faith was and how it actually plays out in our day to day lives. This morning was one of those times as I was reading in Isaiah. I was cruising through chapter 35 about how the eyes of the blind will be opened, the deaf will hear and the lame will leap, etc. I've always been taught that this portion of scripture is promised to us on the other side and I'm okay with that. During the Charismatic move in the 70's we used to sing the last verse, King James style of course.

Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return

and come with singing unto Zion

and everlasting joy shall be upon their heads.

They shall obtain gladness and joy

and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Somehow we understood it to be out there and about heaven - in the sweet by and by. But as I read the last part this morning I thought about how often I hear a sigh escape. You know those times when there just aren't words; and sometimes there's no emotions left either. Or maybe we just aren't sure what to say, do or think and we hear ourselves sigh.

As I read it this morning, I thought He knows when I sigh. And for a second it was like I could feel Him close. Who is close enough to us to hear, or feel us sigh? Most people aren't there in the midnight hour when the day has closed in around us. Or maybe we sigh when we get that unexpected bill, a notice of cancelled services - things like insurance that we were counting on. Another friend walks away. Maybe we stumble under the weight of it all - or perhaps we even sigh as we realize we are making it each day. Whatever makes you sigh......He is close enough to feel it.

This makes me think of Psalm 139:3 that says He is intimately acquainted with all my ways. He is close enough to hear and feel each and every sigh. Those points in life where there just aren't any words left - He can feel it too. He sees. He understands and He does not condemn. He continues to love, to carry and to strengthen for the journey.

Today, I am going to think about how close someone has to be to feel and hear my soul's sigh. My meditation will be on how up in my business God really is - and how I like it like that. I will rejoice that He wants to be that close to me - when others do not. I'll turn my thoughts to His ever abiding - within reach - presence. And I will be thankful that we are His choice of habitation. With that I will rest in Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?