At the End of the Day

Last night as I was getting ready for bed, getting Chris' last bolus in, making sure he's dry and comfortable I realized something about myself. It seems that no matter how much I DO accomplish in a day, at the end of the day I feel like there was so much left undone.

The house is still standing, laundry is done, I finished some work tasks, lights are still on... I have coffee. In reality, a lot was accomplished but I can still feel so far behind. Of course, there's still a full list of things that have to be done tomorrow. But tomorrow, I'll get up and go through my caregiving routine, work at my jobs some (hopefully) and still feel at the end of the day like I left a lot unaccomplished. It's a vicious cycle really.

As caregivers, many of us get up in the morning with just as much to do today as we did yesterday. Nothing is ever really done - we do the same things over and over again. It can start to feel like we can never do enough - or personally, I start to feel like I'm not enough. Thankfully, He is enough! He is more than enough. And just like He carried me yesterday, He'll carry me through today. I can rest in that thought.

This morning I found this phrase in Psalm 138. In verse three, David says this: On the day I called, You answered me; You made me bold with strength in my soul. I thought about that for a little bit. He strengthens our soul - that part of us that is made up of the mind, will and emotions. The part of us that makes us - uniquely us. In Ephesians 3:16, Paul prayed that the believers would be strengthened with might by the Holy Spirit in the inner man.

Sometimes I can't imagine God walking this path with me. But I also can't imagine walking it without Him. No matter how I feel about my day, or at the end of my day, I know He walks with me and that's what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. He is there with me at the end of the day - and at the start of the next day, when I rise - He'll already be there too.

Actually, He's already walked my days out. Long before we were born - He ordained our days. We are His. We are His work. David ends this psalm with a plea - do not forget the works of Your hands. And we can rest assured He won't. Just like we get up every day and go through the routine of caring for our loved ones - He is waiting as daylight dawns to care for us for one more day too.

Today, I will focus on the truth that He is walking this out with me. I'll meditate on the truth that He's already been right here - and when the day is done - He'll still be right here. I will wait on Him and let Him strengthen my soul. I'll work on resting in Him - and letting Him carry me through one more day - will you join me?

Shelter in Place

First off, let me apologize for being absent for so long. I don't need to explain how hectic a caregiver's life can get to you guys. Suffice it to say the last few weeks have been a battle, but I'm back up and going somewhat. I've taken a lot of time to just think things through - assess my life and look at where I am in this journey. Nothing's easy, is it? But we keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

This morning, I was sharing with a group on Facebook that in 1986 I was very ill. The doctors never really figured out what it was, but I was so sick. I lost down to skin and bones, had absolutely no energy or appetite. It was dire and my mom even went so far as to start planning my funeral. During that time, I found one verse to hold on to. I was so weary I couldn't hold my Bible up to read but a verse at a time. I found it easier to just memorize it. So I did. It's found in Psalm 57:1 and goes like this:

Be merciful to me O God, be merciful to me

For my soul trusts in You

In the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge

Until the destruction passes.

In the old King James Version the last part says "until calamities are past." Now here's the "problem" for caregivers. The destruction doesn't just pass by it. Our souls are constantly being attacked. It's like living in a war zone day after day. Circumstance tries to chip away at both our faith and our sanity. It can take everything we have to hold it together on the rougher days. But the good news is that we can stay in His sheltering arms. He is always there to help us, comfort us and to carry us when needed!

I thought about those sitting through the hurricane in Florida today. Many of them have "sheltered in place." They pull everything in, close the storm shutters and wait for the storm to pass. It comes through and beats their houses unmercifully. Eventually, after some very long, dark hours, the storm goes away and they come out to assess the damages. 

Today, caregiving feels like that. But the thing is with caregiving is that the storm doesn't dissipate. Some days it beats on the house harder than others, but it doesn't go away. I think that may be one of the most difficult things we face. There's not an end. When other people are facing situations we can say, "this will pass." But that's not true in caregiving. It is more like the energizer bunny - it keeps going and going! lol. 

Now here's what I am thinking today. We are in a safe spot. The rest of the world cannot see us or experience what we are going through. The storm is ravaging our house - but we are sheltered in place.In Him.  And that's the best place to be.

So even on the tougher days, and there are no easy days, we can stay sheltered in place in the shadow of His wings. Though life is raging and pounding on the outside of our house - we are safe in His arms.

Today I will remind myself that I am safe in His arms. I'm going to sit and let Him hold me. I'll practice giving Him my cares rather than trying to carry them on my own shoulders. My thoughts will be on how safe and peaceful it is with Him and I will "let the peace of God rule in my heart" today. I won't try to get out of His lap, but I will stay sheltered in place as the storm rages around me. And I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Sons of God

I've been doing a study in 1 John over this past weekend, I'm trying to write a study guide for this short and powerful book. There are several recurring themes that John keeps returning to, even though there's only 5 chapters. It wasn't divided up into chapters when he sent it as a letter to the church, that's the way we did it. So why did he keep saying some things over and over? Maybe he, or God, had a message they were trying to get across.

Of course, we think about love and see it throughout John's gospel as well as his letters. But another topic that keeps coming up is how we are sons of God. So I thought about what that meant to the church and culture back then, what it means to the church today, and what it might mean for caregivers.

I think sometimes these very significant terms become cliche and we lose the depths of their meanings. So I purposefully stopped and thought about what it means to be a son of God. Obviously a son or daughter is being implied here - a child of God. I thought about how I'm my daddy's child. He loves me. He cares for me. He provided for me when I was a child and even taught me to be a responsible adult. Sometimes he sat down with me and taught me specific skills other times I learned by just hanging out with him.

Then I thought about how I am a parent. I love my kids and grand-kids! I repeated the same process with my kids when they were growing up. I always went for relationship over what I preferred they do or not do as they got older. And we developed pretty deep friendships in the process. Then, the unthinkable happened. My son was in a wreck. He's not the same. He can't reciprocate my love, he can't hold a conversation, he can't do the things young men are supposed to do - like marry and give me grand-babies. But he's still my son and I love him no less.

It can be easy for us to draw this line of separation between us and God - He's up there in the sky and we're down here trying to do life. But just like I don't love my son less because of his difficulties, even though it pains me greatly, he didn't stop being my son. And no matter what life throws at us or how badly we mess up, or how dysfunctional we are, like my son - we are still the sons of God.

Timothy says, He knows those who are His.

We are His and He's okay with that! He doesn't feel stuck with us - we are His child. He is going to care for us no matter what life throws at us - just like I continue to care for my son even though he's not able to do anything normal 33 year old men can do. When he can't speak - I speak for him. When he can't walk - I push him in a chair. When he can't eat - I feed him. etc. God has this same watch-care over us as His children. While it doesn't amaze me that I take care of my son - it does amaze me how God takes care of me - because I'm His child. 

Today I'm going to think about how I am God's child, and nothing can change or disrupt that. He cares for me like I care for my children (only more). My thoughts will be about what it means to be His child, and I'll meditate on how He cares for me even when I'm broke. He provides what ever level of care is needed for me - because He cares for me. I'll be thankful that He is my Father - and He's not looking to ditch me along the way! And I'll just crawl up next to Him today and tell Him thank you. I'll let Him love me as His child today - will you join me?

Called to Fellowship

This morning I was reading in 1 John, it's a small, but powerful book. John starts this letter to the church out in the same place he starts the gospel he wrote. His focus is the Word. In his gospel, he starts with In the beginning was the Word and the Word was... His letter to the church starts with What was from the beginning. 

My BC (before caregiving) years were spent reading, studying, writing about, and teaching the word. I think becoming a caregiver drove me deeper into the word, which is what trials and struggles should do. Difficulties have a way of driving us closer to Him, redefining our faith and making us stronger. But struggles can also lead to many questions, especially if you are the question queen. 

One of my struggles concerned many of the dreams I felt God had given me, the call on my life. I wrestled with it a lot as it seemed everything had been stripped away. Caregiving can carry with it such a sense of loss. Actually, I got myself in a bind financially because of it. Once I figured it out, I was able to correct it, but for a long time I bought whatever I wanted. I couldn't deny myself anything I desired as I was trying to compensate for the great loss I felt in my life. Once the Lord showed that to me I was able to correct it, but it caused great troubles!

What on earth can a caregiver do to fulfill the call on their lives? It's actually quite simple. I used to be a youth pastor and I taught this verse to the youth. It's 1 Corinthians 1:9. It's simple and succinct. Paul says this, God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His son, Jesus Christ our Lord. That's about as plain and simple as it gets - we are called to fellowship with Him.

If we can get that part - everything else will fall into place. It's true on the highest mountain or lowest valley. It doesn't matter - He's everywhere. He's in us. He's with us. Fellowship with Him can be uninterrupted. When we fulfill that "calling" - called to fellowship with Him - we'll find completeness in Him. We'll find satisfaction in Him. We'll find our fulfillment and joy in Him. And more importantly, we'll be found in Him. For me, as a caregiver, that is comforting.

I don't live life as a caregiver separated from Him. Actually, in many ways I live life closer to Him now than ever before. Remember David told us in Psalm 34:18 that God is near the brokenhearted. If anything, He moves in closer when life hurts more.He is there to bind up our wounds, heal our broken hearts and carry us when necessary. I find comfort in that. And I find that place of rest knowing He is walking this road with me. Sometimes the bumpier the road, the deeper the fellowship.

Today, my thoughts will be on another psalm. Psalm 73:28 says, the nearness of my God is my good. I have made the Lord my refuge that I may tell of all Your works. My meditations will be on uninterrupted fellowship with Him. I'll think about how He is ever present and nothing can separate me from His love. I'll be thankful that I can continue to fellowship with Him no matter what life throws at me. I'm going to tell Him I love Him one more time. I'll rest in Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

A Perfect Example

This week, I've been reading the letters Paul wrote to Timothy. There's so much in these two short books, mostly dealing with pastoring the early church. But as I was reading them over again this morning, I found one phrase that stuck out to me.

Paul's talking about how God was faithful to forgive him as he says he was the "foremost sinner" of all. He had persecuted the church, yet God, rich in mercy had pulled him out and called him to ministry. Paul says, the grace of our Lord was more than abundant with the faith and love which is found in Christ Jesus.  Although he felt like he'd been the chief among sinners, he knew he'd received an enormous amount of grace. (Where sin abounds, grace does much more abound.)

But then, Paul says in verse 16 that he found mercy so that God could demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe. What an example that was! Maybe some needed that hope - that if God could save Paul - He could save anyone. That got me thinking. If Paul was an example of God's rich grace - what are we examples of?

As caregivers, our lives can be topsy turvy. It can be beyond description. But we can be examples of His grace, examples of His love. We can be examples of faith-filled furnace walkers. We are not perfect - but we are still pursuing God. What an example of perseverance. Of patient pursuit of godliness. We all have daily struggles and others may not understand, but at the heart of the matter - we are still seeking Him. We are examples of passionate pursuit of God. We are examples of lives touched by His grace. We are examples of faith that won't quit. Our lives are imperfect - and we don't have everything together all the time. Our attitudes can stink, well mine can anyway....but we always come back to Him. We are perfect examples of persistently pursuing Him, even in the face of adversity.

Today, I'm going to think about the fact that I haven't given up. My meditations will be on all the ways I've seen God move during this trial. I'll turn my thoughts toward His goodness - and thank Him for His patience with me. And I'll be thankful for the journey - as much as I dislike it - it's brought me closer to Him - brought you closer to Him. I'll think about how we are still "in the game" and haven't lost at all. I think I'll crawl up into His lap - tell Him "thank you" and rest in Him. Will you join me?

We've Still Got It!

This morning as I was reading in Philippians 3. The Apostle Paul was talking about counting everything as a loss - for the "infinite value" of knowing Christ. That got me to thinking and searching for scriptures about knowing Him. It made for an interesting journey through the New Testament this morning.

I journeyed through Ephesians, Peter, Philippians...there really are quite a few passages discussing knowing Him. I finally landed back in 2 Peter 1. I seem to end up there a lot lately. I love the phrase that says we have everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him. And you know what? We've still got it!

Caregiving can come with a lot of losses in many ways. But life can't throw us a big enough, fast enough hard ball for us to lose out with Him. As a matter of fact, in many ways it can cause us to press in to know Him a little more passionately. (If we let it.)

You see - we may lose, or give up a lot of things to be caregivers for the ones we love - but we still have a choice. We are the captain of our souls. We can choose to keep ourselves near Him. And we can chose to distance ourselves from Him as we tend to do when we get uncomfortable. Peter said, His divine power has given us.....and we've still got it.

God doesn't take things back. Romans 11:29 says He doesn't take His "gifts and callings" back. So since He gave us something - we still have it! We may have lost a lot of things in life, but we haven't lost a thing in Him.

Today I'm going to turn my thoughts toward all I have been given in Him. (peace, love, joy, salvation - just to name a few) I'll meditate on the un-take-back-ableness of His gifts. My thoughts will be on how He has equipped us with what we need to live godly in Him. He has given us what we need to know Him. And today I'm going to purpose to know Him more fully. Will you join me?

Seemingly Insignificant

Ever hear the phrase, "life goes on"? I'm sure you've heard it plenty of times, as I have. Sometimes for the caregiver, it feels like life does go on - but just for everyone else while we are stuck in the day-to-day. It can feel like everyone got on the train but us - and we are left standing on the platform all alone.

There are many challenges we face every day, and the social aspect can be one of the most difficult. We cannot always get out easily, if at all; and it's rare for people to come into our world. My caregiving started with a crisis but as soon as the "crisis" was over, everyone disappeared leaving me alone holding the bag. Maybe the crisis was over for them - but for me it continued and still continues today. Caregiving is a daily struggle although rewarding in its own way. But we still have to give up some of the "normals" of life.

It can feel like we are totally insignificant to life. After all, it did go on, just without us! We may feel like we don't make a huge contribution to life around us. Or maybe we feel like we don't have anything to offer the "real" world out there. But we are not insignificant to Him. Ever.

This morning I was feeling kinda closed in when I thought of this verse out of Zephaniah. It's been a long time favorite, but today it meant so much to remember that no matter how insignificant I may feel, this is how He feels about me (about you). I like the Amplified version:

The Lord your God is in the midst of you, A Mighty One, a Savior [who saves]!

He will rejoice over you with joy; he will rest [in silent satisfaction]

and in His love He will be silent and make no mention 

[of past sins, or even recall them]; He will exult over you with singing.

The NLT says "He will take delight in you with gladness" and in the original text"exult" means to spin around wildly in great delight. So even if we feel insignificant, we are not. The God of Creation, loves to spend time with us. When we feel like we don't fit in here - we fit in with Him. He is not afraid of our cave. He's not afraid of our pain. He takes notice of us - and gladly participates in life with us.

Today, I'm going to remind myself that He is near - and that He chose to be near. He walks through time with me - not out of a sense of obligation, but because He wants to.  He likes, and enjoys, being with me. My meditations will be on how He never leaves me stranded - not even emotionally. I'll turn my thoughts to how He is right here, right now... all the time. And I choose to rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?