Guarding the Broken Heart

In my studies this morning, I found myself in Proverbs 4. I'm actually studying the armor of God and I chased some thoughts that led me to the last few verses of this chapter. I wrote down some notes on my other study but then my mind settled in verse 13. The New Living Translation states it this way: Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.

I can only feel my situation - and my first thought was - protect your broken heart. I wondered if it was any different for caregivers than others. Probably not, really. We still need to guard our hearts and perhaps we need to be a bit more diligent about it than others. For me personally, the first two things that came to mind that I must protect from taking root in my heart was bitterness and unforgiveness. When my son first had the accident I began to pray that I would not grow bitter as things progressed along lines I really didn't want them to go. You know?

One of my first prayers was that I would move closer to God and have an amazing story of resilience. Well, maybe it hasn't happened just like that. Choosing to not let circumstances lead us down the road of bitterness is just that - a choice. Forgiveness is a choice as well. That's easy to type - easy to say, but not always as easy to do. But just because it's not easy - doesn't mean it's not do-able.

As I meditated on this verse this morning, lots of current situations come to mind. Things I need wisdom to deal with, decisions I need guidance to make, and lots more. I thought of how important it is to lean into Him a little more each day. That's what helps us guard our hearts, I think. I don't want anything in my heart that would keep me from His. Clarification - He won't move! But when I harbor bitterness, unforgiveness, and hidden sins within my heart I will step back and I won't be as comfortable in His presence. His presence remains. His love is the same. It's my own sin that makes me feel separated from Him.

Today, I will purposefully choose the path of my heart and my feet. I'll guard both so there will be no occasion to stumble. I'll meditate more on guarding my heart and what that looks like as I bring all my thoughts captive to the Spirit of Christ. I'll be busy with all that. But I will choose to rest in Him - up close and personal to Him as I guard my heart. I will re-examine myself to see if there is any bitterness or unforgiveness trying to creep in and I'll put up a wall of His peace to keep it out! Will you join me?

And Still I Wait

I didn't get past the olive tree - and the oil that comes when the crucible of life presses us in yesterday's devotion. But I did spend just about as much time in the final verse of Psalm 52 as I did in verse 8.

In verse 9, the phrase that captured my attention is this: I will wait for your mercies. I thought about that for a while. What's it like to wait - for His mercies? I immediately thought about the scripture that says, His mercies are new every morning. The funny thing to me about that is that there is no "morning" to God- it's always today. The sun doesn't set - there's no darkness in Him.

So I looked up the scripture. Of course, it's in Lamentations 3:22-23. The New Living Translation worded it this way: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies, we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. 

There's a lot to think about in these two verses. I already mentioned His mercies must begin afresh for us each day. He doesn't have a new day - but we do and boy do we as caregivers need His mercy to be fresh and ready to go for us! Even though this is the part of the verse I was looking for, it was the other part that caught my attention. It's by His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.  Maybe it's just me - but caregiving and all that goes with it is strenuous - mentally, physically, emotionally, financially.... I need Him to protect me from destruction. the writer even mentioned a verse earlier feeling of grief and loss. Those are so familiar to the caregiver!

It's God's mercies that He keeps fresh for us each day that keeps the crucible of life from utterly destroying us. Yesterday, we talked about that. The crucible is designed perfectly so it doesn't do any more than squeezing the oil out of us so others are ministered to. Wait!! I'm the caregiver - I need the ministry! (That's my thoughts anyway...) But isn't it really about being able to lift each other up? Isn't it really about letting our little lights shine in the midst of dark circumstances? Isn't it about keeping faith in the furnace? It's about a shared hope - even though some days we can barely make it through. I get that. But as we make it through each day trusting Him - our lives are pointing the way for others to seek and find hope in Him too.

Today, I'll just be thankful the crucible doesn't destroy us - it just squeezes out what is shareable. My thoughts will be on the freshness of His mercies no matter what time of day we need it. I'll meditate on His closeness when I need Him most - and when I think I need Him the least. And I will trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Living in His House

The last few mornings in my study time, I've been hanging out in Psalms 50 to about 55. I just keep reading them over and over because there's so much in them. This morning, I was reading in the New Living Translation. I read Psalm 52 over and over.

David had been betrayed by Doeg the Edomite, so he had some not-so-nice words for him at the first of the psalm. As caregivers, we can be betrayed by friends - and even family we were counting on for support. Sometimes, it can feel like life itself has betrayed us and left us to deal with the un-normal lifestyle of caregiving. We've all experienced betrayal on some level. Just like David, we get frustrated, hurt, even angry. Our faith doesn't keep these things from happening- it just helps us navigate through them easier.... mostly. :-)

I'd like to focus on the end of the psalm today, though. The last two verses hold some solid truths we can embrace. In verse eight, David states But I am like a green olive tree thriving in the house of God. I will trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever.  First, he says he's like an olive tree - and he's in God's house. He is refuting what life has thrown his way by stating who he is and where he is. He is planted firmly in God's house - holding tightly to God and His word. But an olive tree? We used to sing this verse and it never made sense. But this morning- it did.

An olive tree bears fruit. But that fruit is beneficial for eating, anointing, soothing, and healing. Get this though - only after it's crushed. The olive must be crushed to get the benefit of the oil. And the tree just keeps producing fruit - that keeps getting crushed so it can be used. In the crucible of caregiving we often find who we really are.

 Like David was, we are fighting for our lives - for our very existence too. And that's precisely the reason we need to remain in God's house. And I do NOT mean a church - Let God be your covering. Let God be your confidant. Let God be your caregiver. Remain hidden in Him - and you'll bear fruit. And when that fruit is crushed (the tree isn't crushed btw), there will be benefits for many to enjoy.

Today, I'll turn my thoughts to thriving in His house. I will meditate on what it's like to live in Him- to reside in His house - forever. In my heart, I will see if there are ripe areas ready for the crushing, for the pouring out to others. I want to listen and be sensitive to Holy Spirit so this crushed, bruised, life can be used to minister to the needs of others as I yield my brokenness to Him. Will you join me?

Yet Still...

There is a lot going on - but what caregiver do you know who doesn't have a lot going on? lol. Every day is full, just some are fuller than others. But let me say this - my days are full, but it's not all bad. It's not all hard. It's not all insurmountable and all the odds are not stacked against us. Most of them are, but not all. (smile!)

If you've read any of my blogs at all, you know my thoughts are 900 a minute, or more. If you are new to my writings and musings, you'll get used to it eventually. As usual, my thoughts are full.I love the verse in Psalm 94:19. The KJV translates it as in the multitude of thoughts within me, thy comforts delight my soul. The NASB says When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. Some versions use the term worry, cares of my heart, and even doubt. I don't really care what we call it - whatever name we want to give to it His comfort is still our delight. He is still our joy. And I will continue to trust Him no matter how crazy my thoughts get.

Isn't that what each day of caregiving comes down to? At the end of the day, the question is But do you still trust Me? Some days I've really wanted to say a flat out NO! But my heart won't ever let me. I remember one day I prayed God, don't give me one more thing. And His blunt answer was Or what?

Seriously, one more thing or not - I will trust Him yet still...

As caregivers, we really don't know what a day will bring. Our easiest days are still filled with difficulties many may never embrace. Decisions are more complicated when we are making them for someone else. There are a LOT of days where it does feel like we cannot take one more thing - small or large. But at the end of those days, we continue to trust Him. And it starts with a committment in the morning, doesn't it? Each morning as we rise - we declare we will trust Him no matter what the day brings.

So today - I declare I will trust Him yet still. No matter how hectic the day gets, what goes wrong or what goes right- I will yet still - trust Him. Will you join me today in trusting Him with it all?

Fly Away!

I have always loved the psalms. Most people find them comforting. On one hand, I do too. But that's not what draws me back again and again. I like the raw emotions, the honesty and the accuracy of them. Yesterday, I was reading Psalm 55. David says in verse 2 that he is restless and he moans noisily. Later in verse 4, he says his heart is severely pained. I so appreciate his candid approach to his feelings and emotions. I too have felt all of these.

Sometimes the cares of caregiving seem to press in on all sides. David describes so many of these feelings like being pressed, fear and trembling, and being overwhelmed. In the church circles I used to run with these honest feelings had no room for expression and yet here they are mentioned in the Bible by none other than David, the man after God's own heart. Emotions and feelings must not be outlawed by God. He can embrace us in such a precious way when we are being crushed in teh crucible of life.

The reason I was in Psalm 55 in the first place was that I was looking for verse 6. I said, 'Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. Behold, I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness. I would hasten to my place of refuge from the stormy wind and tempest.' How often I've longed to "fly away and be at rest" but alas, it never comes. I'm stuck in the drudgery of caregiving and choosing to make the best I can of it!

David goes on to describe a number of situations he was facing. Like caregivers, there are often LOTS of them - and like caregivers, many of the wounds don't come from strangers - but those of our own family and friends. But I like the conclusion David came to. In verse 16, he says but as for me, I will call upon the Lord! I want to stand up and say, "Me too!" No matter what comes our way (and there's always a lot!) - we can choose to call on God. We can always turn it around as a prayer and remember He is our source of peace, contentment, and hope.

After David decided his recourse would be to call on God, he finished out the psalm with this: Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
And that is where I am now - after wanting to just fly away and be at rest - I'm content in His sustaining power and His ability to keep me from being shaken.

Today, my meditation will be on the Lord the sustainer of my soul. I'll think about how He holds me and keeps my soul from being taken or shaken. I declare like David - I will call on the Lord! And then, I will trust Him for today. Will you join me?

Beauty Among the Thorns

The last couple of weeks have been an emotional journey for me. I'll spare you the details (you're welcome!), but suffice it to say I've had more on top of more emotionally charging situations to work through. As if caregiving wasn't a rough enough journey on the emotions as it is, right?

What I have learned though, is that if I look - I can find beauty. Sometimes it's in the oddest places. Like this beautiful yellow flower. It's in the backyard where I stay. I'm sure most would label it a weed, and it'll soon be dug up and tossed out. Which is really sad because if my research is correct,  it's a type of thistle with a plethora of health benefits. But it's often labeled a weed.

Of course, the flower is what caught my eye, but as I looked further I saw all the thorns. If we look for it, we can find beauty among the thorns. Isn't it too easy to get distracted by the thorns and forget all about the beautiful flower that's unfolded before us? Being a caregiver is stressful. It's hard. It's emotional. Let me say that again - It's emotional. It can also be very ugly. But if we look for beauty where we can, and enjoy it while we can - our lives are enriched in a very surprising way.

I cannot get out much anymore, but early mornings, if I go early enough, I can get a run in. This morning, as I welcomed the sunrise, watching the skies be painted with beautiful colors, was warming to my eyes and my soul. Once again, I found a spot of beauty that helped me through the day. It's amazing how healing nature can be on the soul.

As I have purposefully sought out these types of spots of beauty, I realized I could find beauty among the thorns of life. Soon, my thoughts turned around and I realized that in all the "ugliness" of life God purposefully searches out those beautiful places. Places where I am growing and blooming in the midst of thorns. Places where there is beauty when it's not expected. And I just imagined that it was a beautiful thing to Him and made His heart smile too.

Today, I'm going to continue to look for beauty in adverse circumstances. I'll meditate on the truth that He sees the beauty in me and around me, even when I cannot. I will remain thankful that He sees past circumstances and understands my heart and can find those sometimes well-hidden beautiful spaces. And I will trust Him for this one more day. Will you beautiful people join me?

My Polite Journal

This morning I took some time to pour my heart out in my journal. My heart has been heavy for some time now. There are many things going on - but I'll spare you the details. (You're welcome!) If you haven't tried journaling, it can be a good strategy for stress relief. It's a safe place to let it all hang out! I had stopped for a while but this year I have picked it back up. Let me just say that I put more than my woes in my journal. I usually end with a prayer - or I write what God is showing me, what I am learning - and all those deep philosophical questions that rarely have answers. It's a polite catch-all for my sundry, sometimes crazy thoughts.

As I finished up the entry this morning, I ended with a couple of statements which became the first two lines of this poem:

Lord, hold me and hide me

Let me know You are beside me

As life's turbulent tides

Roll over and over me - 

Comfort me - pull me close

and help me see

There's more to life than the pain I feel

There's more to life than what

seems so real

Whisper to my soul that You won't abandon

But that You'll swoop me up

Out of the depths of this emotional canyon 

Remind me  can trust You even though

I am battle-worn

Let me know You've still got me

even though I'm bloody and torn

For in You I find my soul's true healing balm

Remind me I am not alone even though 

I look up and everyone's gone

You are there to speak and bring calm

Restore my joy, Restore my peace,

Restore my song

Help me remember You are with me and

You are for me all along

After I finished writing that I glanced at my open Bible and read from Psalm 119. Verse 132 says, Look upon me and be merciful to me, as Your custom is toward those who love Your name. He is always merciful, always faithful, always graceful toward us who continue to come back to Him because we love His name. 

Today, I will remember He alone has the healing balm for life. I'll meditate on His mercy that is new every morning and is rich toward us who love His name. I'll tie my heart to His - and listen to His beat over mine.. as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?