Still Seeking

Over the weekend, I heard a phrase in a song, "You are perfect in all of Your ways." I knew it was a scripture but couldn't remember where it was located.  This morning I looked it up and it is in Deuteronomy 32 at the beginning of the Song of Moses.

I read the whole chapter a time or two and went back to meditate on the phrase for a bit. I closed my eyes and thought about how perfect God is and how right and just every decision He makes is. When I opened my eyes, they fell on a scripture on the opposite page - I had marked it sometime ago. It is in chapter 30, verse 4.

Though you are at the ends of the earth, the Lord your God will go and find you and bring you back again. 

I thought about that for awhile and read it in context. Moses is encouraging the Children of Israel to return to the Lord. He is calling them to come back to Him with their whole heart and seek Him fully. But this verse to me is God reaching for them. He continues to seek a relationship with His people no matter what their situation is. Just because we became caregivers doesn't mean He has abandoned His pursuit of relationship. Actually, He is still seeking.

Exodus 34:14 in the New Living Translation reminds us that God is a God who is passionate about His relationship with us. He is always seeking for our heart because He actually wants to be with us. He longs for us to have two-way conversation, not just us asking for things in what we call prayer. He longs to have an intimate connection with us.

I'll be the first to admit I've had trouble in this arena particularly since my son's accident. I felt like God had abandoned me. Even though I needed His touch even more, it became difficult for me to seek Him. But He was still seeking me. He is relentless in His pursuit of our hearts. He doesn't stop desiring to be with us when life gets difficult or ugly. He doesn't walk away wringing His hands like many of our friends have done. When they are not really sure what to do with us or our situation, He is still waiting on us to come to Him. To be accepted. To be cared for. To be loved. Being with us - is His very heartbeat. And so He waits.....and seeks....

These scriptures were recorded by Moses who was leading the Children of Israel through the wilderness. They were argumentative, faithless, complaining and just plain ugly sometimes. Yet God continues to communicate His love for them and His desire to be with them. He feels the same way about us - whether life is beautiful or not, whether we have it all together or not, whether we feel faithful or faithless, whether we are waiting on Him or not - He is waiting on us, longing for us to come to Him.

Today I am going to turn my thoughts to how much He wants to be with me - no matter what life looks like. I will stop all the crazy thoughts in my head today and focus on being with Him. I'll pour out my heart before Him and wait for Him to pour His heart into mine. My meditations will be on his love and pursuit of me. I'll think about how He waits for me to come to Him. And I will wait on Him today. Will you join me?

Who knew that was there?

Over the years I've come to enjoy the Psalms and find myself reading there a lot. I'm not sure why they are so intriguing to me, but I seem to enjoy them more and more. This morning I found myself in Psalm 77 which is one of my go-to passages, but this morning I saw something totally new.

I'm reading along and stopping at key scriptures I've learned to rely on, and I hit verse 16. It's like I've never read it before. Maybe I stop too many times at verse 11 which I run to frequently, but verses 16-20 just stood out to me this morning.

In verse 16, the Psalmist, who happens to be Asaph, describes how the Red Sea felt as Moses and the Children of Israel approached on their exodus from Egypt. The scripture says the Red Sea trembled and quaked to its very depths. I love nature and its response to God, and I know in Psalm 19 it speaks of how nature's voice is constantly declaring God's glory. But I never thought about how the Red Sea trembled once it was in God's line of sight. One look and the huge sea began to roll back and make way for His people.

If you read on down to verse 19, you'll find what really grabbed my heart this morning. It says Your road led through the sea, Your pathway through the mighty waters -- a pathway no one knew was there. Moses had just led the Children of Israel out of Egypt and the first thing that happens is they run smack dab into the Red Sea and Pharaoh's armies are closing in on them from behind. It was not a good place to be in - if you look at it from their point of view. But God had a different point of view.

He did not look at the Red Sea and think, "Oh no!" He looked at the Red Sea, man's road block, and saw a path no one knew was there. He just led His people on through like a flock of sheep.

As caregivers, we can run up on lots of road blocks and from our point of view many times we can feel boxed in. But God has a different point of view. He does not see us boxed in. Even if we are overwhelmed and retreat to the caregiver's cave and try to hide - He sees it differently. We may feel we are shivering and reeling from life's battering, but He sees the opportunity to tuck us in tightly to His heart and hold us close. He always has a path to the other side. It may be hidden under a sea, but it's there. All we have to do is follow His direction instead of our own.

Our lives can be so hectic - even on the calmer days. I used to get all bent out of shape when something didn't go as planned. (Okay so sometimes I still do....) But I'm finding that there are these hidden pathways that can lead to something brand new. That's what God does - He makes a way - no, He sees and makes a way where there doesn't appear to be one. His pathway is already there - we just have to discover it.

Today I will turn my thoughts to how God has hidden pathways I just don't see yet. I'll rest in Him and trust Him to lead me through life's obstacles even when I can't see. My meditations will be on His provision, His power and His pathways, and I will pursue them instead of my own. Will you join me?

Nothing Changes - And That's a Good Thing!

There have been several major changes in my life over the last week or so. Some were small changes while others were large; some I've chosen and others have been forced on me.

It's been everything from taking Chris to races with me instead of hiring a sitter, to more responsibilities at work to my biological father passing away. At the same time, I've been making some personal changes as well. I've been de-cluttering my house, started actually working on a couple of my projects (and making progress!!), and changing up my schedule a bit so I can give myself a break - sort of. That's a lot for a Type A! :-)

This morning, I was sipping my coffee and thinking about how the landscape of my life has been changing and how I'm trying to be more comfortable with it. But then I started thinking about the things that don't change. The second I became a caregiver, my whole life changed drastically. But some things literally can't change - and those are the important things.

My status in the Kingdom of God doesn't change one iota. I am forever a child of the King. No matter what I do, don't do, or what life wants to throw at me that cannot and will not be changed. His love is never ending, never changing and cannot be destroyed by any power on earth, above or below. The truth is going to stand for all eternity as the truth. It will not be altered by time, or eternity. His word will not change to accommodate my situation - it will not fade or waver in the storms of life.
He will always be with me. He does not say enough! and pack it all up and take it home. Nothing I can do will make Him deny me; He cannot deny Himself 2 Timothy 2:13. 

So in the topsy-turvey life of caregiving where one day you have an aide - and one day you don't; one month you get supplies - and the next you don't; one minute you have a friend the next you're all alone, it's good to know that there is a solid foundation to build your life on that will not falter, will not change and will not decay over time.

Today I will be meditating on the one Constant in my life - my God. I will turn my thoughts to how He is my foundation and I'll build everything in life on Him and I'll be careful not to switch that process around backwards. I will keep my mind on how His love and care for me never changes - just like my love and care for my son doesn't change. I'll focus on these immoveables in my life: His love, care and presence. And I will rest in Him while I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

No Day Off

Today is a holiday, and for the US it's a wonderful day of celebration. Most of the real world has the day off. There won't be any financial transactions, no mail delivered and most places are closed for the day. But there are no days off  for the caregiver. If you are fortunate enough to have an aide, they will probably have the day off too. And they should have the opportunity to relax and spend time with family and friends. But our day doesn't change much - there are no days off.

When we get up and around this morning, it's highly likely it will look pretty much like any other day. That's not a complaint - it's a statement of fact. As I was thinking about the holiday this morning and trying to decide if I wanted to attempt anything outside our box, I thought of one particular scripture.

Isaiah 40:28 says this: Have you never heard or understood? Don't you know that the Lord is the Everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. Not only does He never get tired, Psalm 121:4 says He who watches over Israel never tires nor sleeps. Basically, God never gets a "day off"!

At the same time, He is constantly pouring His strength out to us - those of us who are weary will gain new strength. If you read further in Isaiah 40, it says He offers strength to the weak and He gives power to those who are worn out. (NLT) Some days, I wake up worn out. (Maybe it's just me!)

So while the world enjoys a day off today (and rightly so) I'm going to be running to Him for strength.

Today I will turn all my thoughts and affections toward Him. I will rest in Him and allow Him to pour His strength and power into me. My thoughts will be on how He carries me and He doesn't get tired of it. I'll turn my heart to thanksgiving for His ever abiding presence, His patience and His gentle touch in a rough-around-the-edges kind of life. And I will purposefully thank Him today for never giving up on me, for always being present and for giving me strength for one more day. Will you join me?

So Far So Good

Yesterday I lost a family member and somehow I think grieving losses like that are maybe not "more difficult" as a caregiver, but more complicated. If that makes sense.

Many caregivers, myself included, live with what is called a living grief. That basically means we grieve the loss of our loved one - but they didn't die. They are here - but they are not here. It's a grief that doesn't allow for any closure and it's ongoing. Then when you add any more grief on top of that - it's a very heavy load to carry. Fortunately, I know the Lord and I can take all my cares to Him and drop them off! (I know, that's not KJV!)

This morning I was sitting, drinking coffee and staring at the wall as it was all sinking in. I thought about not doing a devotion - I needed on myself. lol. I opened up an email and saw this scripture which was exactly what I needed to hear today. It's 1 Samuel 7:12. Samuel has just become judge in Israel and the Children of Israel had just torn down all the idols and returned to the Lord with a whole heart.

The Philistines approached and were hoping for a quick slaughter. But God had other ideas. Now Samuel was a judge and a prophet, but he did not know natural warfare. He could not lead the charge. God knew this - but I believe He saw the hearts of the people turning wholly to Him, and He applauded. Only to the Philistines it sounded like thunder and they got all confused. In the confusion, God and the Israelites wiped them out that day!

Then comes verse 12. Samuel sets up a large stone and named it "Ebenezer" which means stone of help. And then he said, up to this point - God has helped us. That just clicked with me this morning. Up to this point in my life, God has been my help. And as I face another day of caregiving and a season of grieving - He will still be my help.

My loose translation of that is so far - so good!  God has been my help, He is my help and He will continue being my help. Now that I can hold on to for today as I turn my heart wholly to Him and do the real work - resting in Him.

Today I will remind myself of God's ever abiding presence. I will acknowledge His help throughout my journey and use it to remind myself that He's still here for the rest of the journey as well. So far God has helped me - and He has no other intentions just because my world got rocked again. My thoughts will be on how I can rest in Him and how I can let Him be my help, my source, my everything. And just like all the other days - I'll trust Him. I'll wait for Him. I'll rest in Him. Will you join me?

Where do thoughts come from?

I'll be the first to admit I overthink. Everything. All the time. My friend tells me I have a "google mind." Meaning when she starts a question I already have a list of topics in my head and it could go any direction from there.

The down side can be that in any given situation, whether real or not, my imagination can create the most bizarre scenarios. Once I realized I was an overthinker, I was able to curb it a bit. But given any situation, circumstance, or possibility my mind can run off with it in several directions and come up with a variety of options - real or not.

I remember reading about over thinkers and since then, I've been able to at least talk myself out of some of the crazy things that go through my head. But sometimes I wonder where all those thoughts come from. Do you?

In Psalms 19, David prays May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to You, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (NLT) The old KJV used "meditations" instead of thoughts. But whether we want to call it meditating or plain ole thinking - where do they all come from? And why did David say the meditations (thoughts) of my heart? He didn't say the meditations of my mind. I found that interesting. So where do our thoughts come from, our heart or our mind?

Something else I found interesting in this verse this morning is that David is combining his words and thoughts, his mouth and heart. Jesus told us that our words come from our heart - not just our mind. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. So what is your heart saying today?

As caregivers, we didn't get any exemptions here. But as for me - I know my heart and thoughts can be all over the place on any given day at any given second. Actually, my thoughts have run through all the activities I have to do today about five times already. With all that racing - and all the emotions we have to manage on a daily basis - how do we find any peace?

Once I see my mind has taken off and is carrying me away, I can stop. Take a deep breath. Refocus and proceed. It just takes a second to regather my thoughts - throw out the ones that don't match what God said; and get them all on the right track. Many days I have to do this over and over and over again. I don't know where thoughts come from. But I do know that anything can trigger a deluge of them. But I don't have to let my mind run off on those rabbit trails. Even in the midst of the cares of caregiving, I can keep my mind on God and His purposes. Even when it doesn't make sense.

Today I will make it my number one priority to keep my meditations on Him. While I am going throughout my daily tasks, I will purposefully turn my thoughts to His word and make it my priority. When my head wants to run away with what-ifs, I will reign it back in with His word. Today I will let His word reign in my heart. Will you join me?

Within Reach

I did a skit one time where I played the song "You're all I Need." I was lip syncing the words as I sang about God being all I wanted, but I kept filling my hands will all sorts of stuff. I was picking up a laptop, a video controller, books, cell phone, etc. while trying to reach out to Him as I sang. The point was that I was filling my hands with so many things and they were so full I could never quite reach out to Him - even though that's what my heart wanted.

As caregivers, our hands are full of so many things - and they are not just extras we choose (who has time for that, right?), it's stuff that has to be done. Every day is filled with tasks and chores that can't be ignored or put off until tomorrow and we can feel like our hands, minds, hearts and bodies are full all the time.

And while I'm all about carving out some quiet time for me and God - there are some days that just doesn't happen. Of course, my initial response is to condemn myself. I can overload myself with guilt quickly too with thoughts like:

If I was just more organized...

Why didn't I plan this earlier...

If  I was better at meal planning...

I need to keep up with housework better...

If I was just more disciplined...

If I am not careful, I can rail myself to death, and still be behind in my daily chores. I'm sure that's just me, right? The never ending, ever repeating chores of caregiving are enough to keep any one person busy all day - every day. Add to that so many who also have jobs, whether they work from home like I do or go out to work - it's easy to get on overload with very necessary things. We don't intentionally pick up things and fill our hands. It's all needed.

In my skit, I was picking up a lot of extras, and my hands were so full I couldn't juggle them to reach out for God, as much as I wanted to. But now I see that He is big enough to bypass the caregiver's full hands. He is always within reach.

He is so close to the caregiver that the tiniest whisper from our hearts brings Him running to our side. He really does hear us from our hearts. When we don't have the words to cry out, or don't know what or how to ask for - He still understands. James 4:8 says that as we draw near to Him - He comes closer to us. He understands the intent of our heart - and when we seek Him - He lets us find Him. (Jeremiah 29:14)

Today my thoughts will be on the nearness of God. As I go through today's chores and responsibilities, I will acknowledge, even if it's only silently, that His presence is right here with me. I'll meditate on how He hears the silent cries of my heart just as loudly as when I boldly cry out to Him. My thoughts will be about how He is always within reach. And once again I will rest in Him, will you join me?