How do You Smell?

I was reading Isaiah 55 this morning and several things jumped out at me. One of them was verse 10 which says He was pleased to crush Him. That made me think of how they make essential oils (which I use daily) and how perfume is made as well. In either of these processes, it's the crushing that brings out the sweet fragrance.

Now, I have to admit that sometimes in the crushing - the fragrance that has been released was not pleasant. Remember crushing stink bugs as a kid - that was not nice, nor did it smell good. Crush a garlic and you'll smell garlic. But you will get whatever is inside of what's being crushed.

Caregiving can be a crusher that lets us know what's truly inside. As a matter of fact, it's more like a constant crushing, I refer to it as living in the furnace. It never stops. This can reveal our character - what we are really made of - what we really smell like.

I've seen both as it pertains to myself. There are times when the crushing comes and out pops the sweetest poem, song, thought or action toward another. And then of course, there are the times when the crushing brings out cussing, screaming and the I just can't take it anymores. It can depend on the day, or the moment really.

But as I'm looking through this chapter, I see that He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.  He was despised, afflicted and crushed for our iniquities. It also says He was despised and forsaken of men. Wow. Some of the feelings we can deal with as caregivers - Jesus felt them too. He understands rejection and never quite fitting in. He understands taking the blows for someone else. He understands when others look away because we look too hideous. And He did it all for others - not for Himself. The ultimate caregiver.

He was crushed so we could experience salvation, He was bruised so we could be healed. He was beaten so we could be justified. He laid His life down so we could all live. When He was crushed the beautiful fragrance of redemption poured forth.

Day after day we lay our lives out there for our loved ones - and it smells good to Him. The fragrance of our crushing brings out a sweet smell that is identifiable as love. The same love that held Him on the cross for us - is the love that holds us by our loved one's side. That smells good to Him.

For me, it's easy to see how He loves others with that kind of love, but I can't always grasp it for myself. I think as caregivers we get so outwardly focused, partly because we have to be, that we can't see it for ourselves. But He loves us. He calls us His. He redeemed us - He didn't die for everyone except caregivers.

Today I will turn my thoughts to His great love for us....for me. I'll meditate on how it can be possible for Him to feel the same measure of love for me as I feel for my son, and even more. I will roll it around in my head and try to comprehend His love for me, and my work will be to accept it and to trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Who Am I Really?

It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle. We don't have to go through the list of all the things we have to do in a day, or the numerous people who come through weekly to check on our loved one, or the paperwork we have to keep up with - all to provide proper care. But most of these activities are based around the one we are caring for - not around us.

My "love language" is time. If you spend time with me I feel loved. You can lavish gifts on me  (not that anyone has tried that recently! lol) and I won't necessarily be able to translate that as love. But spend time with me and I will feel like you care.

The social isolation of caregiving and the always feeling like you're out of step with normal can start to wear on you. Lately, I'm so much more comfortable with caregiving - and not struggling as much about going into public places. I guess that happens when you don't have an aide for an extended period of time and you just have to adjust. I also nearly ran out of coffee - that'll get you out of the house. ;-)

But over the weekend, I had to do some thinking and dealing with the feelings of rejection. It can be easy to feel like life itself has rejected us - like we don't really belong anywhere. It's not true - but it can feel that way. To be honest, even small things like aides not showing up can wear away at one's self-worth. The one aide needs to get fingerprints. This is his second week to not work and for me it sends the message we are not worth his time to go get that done. And of course the company doesn't offer a fill-in. This and many other things can wear away at one's self-worth.

Last week I was dealing with this issue, actually caused by another event and I felt myself slipping into the abyss. Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, and aloneness tried to weigh me down. I started rehearsing some of the scriptures that reminded me of how much He loves me - no matter what life looks like or if I have to do it alone.

I compiled the list and labeled the file Come Away my Beloved. Because the truth is that we are His beloved - no matter what our lives look like to us or to others. Whether we are a sole caregiver or actually have some help, whether we can attend church or can't get out much at all. It doesn't matter we are still His beloved. That's who we really are and it doesn't change, period.

Today I am going to focus on the truth that I am His beloved child. My thoughts will be on His acceptance of me - just.the.way.I.am. I will turn my meditations to how much He loves me and cares for me in this life I am living for Him. I'll rest in His love for today. Will you join me?

Not True!

One of the things I do to "deal" with caregiving is run. I started while my son was initially in the hospital because I was looking for a way to be active. We spent almost 4 months in the hospital after his wreck. I stayed with him and never left except for very short outings to do laundry and such. I read a lot, but finally started a running plan just to get some activity in as the sitting wore me out.

It took me three weeks to work up to the beginning program, but eventually I trained for that first 5K. I found running to be a great stabilizer for me. When I run, my body releases tension, my head seems to clear and I just feel better in general.

Yesterday I finished my 22nd half marathon. I hadn't trained properly for it so it was a tough one. That and the fact that I'm coming off an injury I sustained in an 8 mile trail race  back in January made for a rather painful race. On a tough race like that all the "good thoughts" disappear about 7 miles in. I get frustrated with myself and my mind starts turning toward negative thoughts.

Yesterday I started thinking about how overweight I am and my lack of self control as it pertains to eating and training. The half-marathon mind cannot be held accountable as it gets crazy in there - but at some point for whatever reason, I thought about how "ugly" I must look. Then I thought about my life and literally had the thought, my whole life is ugly.

The second I heard that thought go through my head - I heard this resounding Not True! It was sort of like God pulled out a huge "not true" stamp and landed it on my head. It was funny to me - and the thoughts it initiated kept me going for a good mile or two more. Even though many parts of caregiving can be "ugly" or difficult, or not the normal picture of life, there's still much beauty in it.

I thought about how beautiful it is to lay down one's life for another. That's what we do isn't it? Jesus said there's no greater love than this. That's beautiful. The way we care so much for another whole person and strive to meet every need - no matter what that need is at the moment - He thinks is beautiful. 

Sure, it's tough. Sure it's not the normal picture of how life is supposed to be. Sure, we lose a lot of freedom by choosing caregiving - but He thinks it's beautiful. Now when I think something that's not true - I'm going to envision a huge "not true" stamp coming down on the top of my head! lol

As I opened my Bible this morning for devotions, I just happened on the passage in Luke 7, and I felt it applied. Jesus was dining with one of the Pharisees and a woman who had a shady past, an ugly life, began to wash Jesus' feet. The Pharisee thought if this man were a prophet, He would know who and what sort of person this woman is who is touching Him, that she is a sinner.  The truth is - He did know. And He found beauty in it. Jesus used this imaginary "Not true!" stamp to negate the Pharisee's thoughts as He explained that this woman performed acts of kindness, of caregiving if you will, when the Pharisee did not. He found it beautiful - not ugly.

May we all experience the "Not true!" stamp when we think what we do is less than beautiful. I've said it before but it bears repeating that as we demonstrate our love through caregiving - we look a lot like Him. And I feel that He is pleased.

Today I am going to purposefully let Him show me the beauty in my situation. My thoughts will be on how He takes good care of my soul with the same type of love that I provide care for my son. I'm going to think about how this woman washed Jesus' feet out of pure love and how He saw the act. I believe that's how He sees us as caregivers too. He is just as passionate for us as we are for our loved ones, just as protective, compassionate, and loving - maybe more. I will turn my thoughts to these truths today. I'm going to trust Him and rest in Him for one more day - will you join me?

But Can I Forgive the Aides?

When I became a caregiver, everything changed. It was both instant and gradual. Instantly I was thrust into learning all about brain injuries and how to provide personal care for another adult. As time went on, as it tends to do, I learned more until now I'm literally helping write a course on it.

A caregiver pretty much lives in a state of adaptability. We never know what a day may bring and we have to be ready to change on the fly in order to handle whatever might come up. But we are still sons, daughters, moms, sisters, dads, brothers, etc. Many friends walk away, the church doesn't know what to do with us and usually our jobs either adapt to our new responsibilities as caregivers, we no longer have them or we adjust in some other way like working online.

I think our Christian walk is similar in this way. The second we accept Christ - we are changed. Bam! We are a new creation. But over time a we learn more about Him and become more like Him we see continued changes. This is true for everyone. The more time we spend with Him the more we'll look like Him as He tends to rub off on His kids.

This morning I was reading in Colossians 3 and in verse 10 Paul says we have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him - And then the next verse says there's no distinction - all believers are renewed; the Greek and the Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free - and I'd like to add caregivers or caregivees - Christ is all, and in all.

I stopped there in my reading and thought about that for awhile. Our roles as caregivers take absolutely nothing away from who we are in Christ. For that matter we still have the responsibility of pressing in to Him - no matter what life throws our way. No one ever gets it so bad they get an exempt card. 

On one hand, this is good. I am still eligible for His love, grace, mercy, peace, and many abundant blessings. But then I realize that since nothing changes in the spirit realm when we become a caregiver I still have to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. I still have to live out verse 13 - bearing with one another, forgiving each other and put on love.
I'm glad to not be exempt on the good stuff - but can I catch a break on the rough stuff? Do I still have to deal with caregiving and the struggles and still be patient? Even with aids (two of them now) that don't show up for over a week? I still have to forgive? Everyone?

Yes.

And that might just be the difficult part. But I can't move on to the last three verses of this chapter until I've done these. Only after I embrace his love, forgiveness, gentleness and mercy - can I let His peace rule in my heart and let his word dwell in me richly.

Caregivers are not exempt on either end, and that's a good thing. I also think He works those things in and through us as we learn to lean on Him more for each day's needs. Today I just need grace. At least I already know the aid isn't showing up as he texted last night - so I can adjust my schedule and chores accordingly. But can I forgive the aids for leaving me in a lurch? Can I work through the depression that seems to close in when I don't get those little breaks? Can I forgive them? They really do not have a clue how beneficial their services are - can I just be thankful?

Today I will shift my focus from frustration and fury to forgiveness. My thoughts will be on how patient He is with me - and I pray I can be the same with others. I'll rejoice in the fact that I still have everything Christ has to offer - my status being His - didn't change when caregiving started. And I'll do some inner reflection and let Him shine the light on the things I still need to change. I will yield to Him as He continues to change me into His image one (tiny) step at a time. I'll rest in Him as He brings about change - and I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Broke, Broke, or Broke?

You know how caregiving days go. Even though there's nothing easy about it, some days are good, some are better and a few are downright rough. There can be a number of reasons for a rough day. It might be physically rough, mentally rough, emotionally rough or a combination of any of those plus any number of other reasons. Yesterday, I just felt broke. I'm learning to take it all to Him. He's not afraid of my broken state.

Yesterday, I was thinking about how broken I was and in the process I realized there are three basic types of "broke." I can be financially broke - which thank God for His provision - I am not. I can be broke - like not working and needing to be fixed broke. Or I can be broke - like broken before God, humble and broken.

 I'm in the middle of a challenge called the psalmist challenge. I designed it myself as part of a project I'm working on. For 30 days I have to take a few minutes to play, sing and pray. So far, every day I have written a short poem or song at least. It's interesting what we can hear when we tune our ears in. So I decided to take my "broke" self to Him. But did He want it? Would He turn me away because my life felt ugly like people do?

I thought of the scripture in Psalm 34:18 that says The Lord is near the brokenhearted and I wondered if it had any defining qualifications on it. Is He near me if I feel like I'm broken and cannot mend? Is He near me if I am broken emotionally and feel like I can't move on or take one more step? Or is He near me just when I am humbly bowing before Him overcome with His presence? Is He near me when I feel spent, exhausted and done?  I'm thinking it's "D" all of the above.

God is not afraid of my broken state. He doesn't shun me when I am riddled with fears. He won't cast me aside when I am overcome by the daily rigors of caregiving. When people avoid me because they don't know what to say - He draws close. Broke, broke or broken - none of them scares Him, and He draws near.

I am not entirely sure which the psalmist is talking about in this verse. He goes on in verse 19 to say there are many afflictions for the righteous. I'm avoiding the next part of that verse as it says the Lord delivers them out of them all. You and I both know He's not riding in on a white horse today to carry us away. So what does that mean? Contextually, I believe it means He rides through it with us - carrying us all along the way. Those steps we don't have the strength to make - He makes for us. He doesn't remove everything and make life all hunky-dory, but He does endure it with us and carry us through it.

So, no matter if we feel broke, broke or broke, He draws near and He beckons for us to draw near to Him. He's not afraid of our broken state. He won't turn and look away because of the pain like people tend to do. He walks right up to us in the midst of the fiery trial and says, Come near. He will pull us right up to Himself just like a father gently holding a hurting child. He brings comfort. He will not abandon.

Today I will meditate on His nearness. I'll turn my thoughts to how He longs to hold me near to His heart when I am hurting the most. My thoughts will be on how He picks me up, brushes me off, holds me, and is walking through this with me; even carrying me when need be. I will rest in the fact that He is present - ever present. And I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?


Here is the video of the short song I wrote yesterday about how He draws us near whether we are broke, broke or broke. Come Near.

Shifting Sands

This morning, I am tired. I know the day has not even started but I've already sighed three times. Just knowing all that will need to be done today makes me weary. It's really not an unusual day, just another day.

Caregiving has to be one of the craziest things I've ever done, and I've done some crazy things - and had some extreme jobs. One just really has no idea what to expect on any given day. Like yesterday with no warning the company showed up with my son's new bed. I had no idea he was coming (what happened to common courtesy?), but here he stood acting shocked that the old bed was still standing in the place the new bed belonged. I just looked at him in the same shock. How was I supposed to know he was coming if he didn't call? (smh)

He said, "We can set up the new bed but we aren't allowed to move the old one. It's company policy." I said, "Well, had I known you were coming, I'd have had this one moved out of the way. So why don't you just stand right there while I get this old one out of the way?" I began grabbing pieces and trying to figure out how to disassemble the old bed. I guess he either had a bit of compassion for an old lady - or figured it was going to take me all day because he helped take it apart and move it out to make room for the new bed.

Not only was the new bed a surprise delivery, but of course the aid hasn't been showing up. Something about needing fingerprints and he can't work until he gets them. But instead of sending someone in his place, I just get to guess everyday whether he's coming or not. Either I start all his tasks in the morning and leave him with nothing to do but sit here for 4 hours in the afternoon, or I let stuff sit until time for him to get here and then do them when he doesn't show up.... can't seem to win so I give up.

I also went ahead and ordered supplies that I've gone without for months. A box of syringes for tube feeding, about $10. For some reason they can't seem to get an approval. Now I'm told NOT to order stuff that it's coming - but where are these people when I run out of supplies? So I had to stop everything yesterday and order a few things. I'm tired of waiting.

And this is just some of the simple struggles of one day. Who knows what today will bring? Meals to be delivered, old bed to be picked up and taken to someone who needed it - probably be another crazy, unpredictable day around here. It would be so easy to slide into "victim" mode. I could whine and cry and worry about poor me. But I'd have to wipe my tears and figure it all out anyway, right? I think I'll skip that part.

We are put into such an emotional situation. We know we are told we aren't supposed to let this all make us hard, stubborn or recluse, right? But it can all pile up until we are emotionally spent - and it's all over these little things, not even the big stuff. It seems like it can chip away until there's just nothing left. What's a caregiver to do?

What we've always done. Run to Him. Leave it there and roll up our sleeves and get back in the game. Exhausting though it may be - it's our only choice. That or giving up. (Not today!) So I remind myself of a few scriptures to help me focus. First, I think of how it says David encouraged himself in the Lord. Now I know why he did that - who else was going to do it, right? (lol) I'll let you listen in on my pep talk.

I will bring all my cares to the Lord - for He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)
I will let my requests be known to Him - for His peace will guard my heart. (Philippians 4:6,7)
I will draw near to Him - for that's when He draws near to me. (James4:8)

Today, I'm going to try my best to focus on Him instead of the situation. That's difficult when the "situation" is looming and right in your face, isn't it? But I refuse to cave in. I refuse to shift my focus off of Him and to the struggle. My hands may be weary - but today I will lift them to Him. I will remind myself that He is still my God. He is still with me. He is still my provider. And He still cares for me. And with those thoughts I am ready to take on one more day resting and trusting in Him. Will you join me?

Maybe He Knew Too

I know the scripture says His mercies are new every morning, but maybe it should have explained that there would be mornings we'd have to look a little harder to find them. Maybe it's just me, but my mind is racing with the day's responsibilities almost before I get both eyes opened. And then of course, any tiny thing out of step or above and beyond the caregiver's "norm" can catapult us into another state.

Personally, I battle depression and anxiety. That'll wear you out right there. I can be floating along doing real good and something unexpected happens and my emotions flat-line. But that's okay because once my head kicks back in, it goes 900 miles an hour with possible scenarios of things that are not likely to ever even happen. I can be emotionally spent over the tiniest adjustment to my day.

It's probably because as caregivers we run on the edge all.the.time. There's no break. We live in a state of caring constantly for another person. We make decisions for and about them, take care of very personal needs as well as basic needs and oftentimes let our own needs go because there are just 24 hours in a day. Our emotions can be taut like a rubber band stretched to its max and one itsy bitsy change can send us flying off the edge. (Maybe it's just me.)

I had a wide range of emotions yesterday as my son turned 33. It wasn't his age - it was the lack of birthday wishes really. There were a few and I'm thankful - but as is the "norm" he seems forgotten as time goes on. I am sure it is to be expected in situations like this - but even what is expected can hurt your feelings a little bit. (Or a lot.)

This morning this was going over in my mind and I thought of the verse that says Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Psalm 27:10 NLT I had to pull out my Bible and look it up and I'm glad I did because I noticed the scriptures right before it. David says in verse 9: Do not hide yourself from me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now; don't abandon me, O God of my salvation! 

I was like - did David really say that?  Did he really feel that? This "man after God's own heart" fought feelings of abandonment? He was just talking about God concealing him in His sanctuary earlier and out pops this - what if God leaves too? Of course he then answers his own questions (I do that too!) with the statement that God will hold him close. I like that.

Today, I'm going to lay aside the sadness from yesterday, the feelings of aloneness and the heaviness of abandonment. And I'm going to focus on that little phrase - the Lord will hold me close. I'm thinking that from that intimate, secret place - the rest really won't matter as much. I'm going to meditate on the truth that He doesn't abandon - ever, no matter how life feels. I'll turn my thoughts to His nearness, to His touch, to His tenderness and mercy - which is new every morning whether I find it or not! I will thank Him for walking this journey with me - a task humans can't always do. I'll find the strength to trust Him for one more day - will you join me?