Okay, so I'm a math and science nerd. I taught middle school math and did the coursework for a minor in math, just for fun. It's been a lifelong love relationship. I say that to warn you that I am super curious about science and math topics. I am a casual student of quantum theories, too. (Very casual. lol)  String theory is the supposition that the universe is made up of a series of minuscule vibrating strings. They connect throughout the universe. But I have a different string theory. It came about this week as i was standing in the kitchen. I thought, I can get on my (paid) work projects after I finish this. But then, I realized I had another loose end that needed to be tied off before I could get to “real” work.  No sooner did I have that thought than it led to  just one more thing  that had to be done. I realized mentally, I'd just planned the entire afternoon, with no time left for actual paid work. This is a daily exercise, I'm finding. Lol. ...

 Didn't you hate it as a child when you asked a parent, why? and got the standard answer, because I said so ? Or even worse - just  because. It's even worse to have to admit that, as parents, we did it to our children. LOL. It can certainly give "because" a bad reputation and bring out the eye-roll. :-) But sometimes, it's the only answer that makes sense in the moment. As I was reading through Psalm 63 this morning, I found because two times. However, in this case, it's there for a reason. It's more like a therefore , which, when we read therefore  in scriptures, we want to look back to see what it is there for. It's always in reference to something that's just been said. But because  is a little different in that it seems to be offering a reason or a why.  At least in Psalm 63 it seems that way.  In verse 3 David says, because Your livingkindness is better than life , I will praise You. In verse 7, David says, because  You have been my help, I wi...

 This weekend, we watched "Soul on Fire." It's the story of a 9-year-old boy who played with gasoline and matches and was burned over most of his body. It's an inspiring story of resilience. In one scene, his mom was praying in the chapel. Boy, did that bring back memories. I recall the many trips I made down to the chapel during the four-plus months we were at the Shreveport hospital.  I tried to sing and play the piano that was there. I prayed. I sat quietly. I took communion. It was such a difficult time. As I watched their story unfold, it brought back lots of memories for me. A time or two, I had to pause the movie and gather myself.  Today, though I was thinking about their story, my story, and all of your stories. Don't we all have inspiring stories? Most likely, each of us doesn't think our stories are all that inspiring, especially since we are stuck in the middle of living them.   But we all inspire each other. We inspire one another to keep the fait...

Have you ever felt like God can't hear you? Do you ever think that He has looked away or isn't paying attention? It was this thinking that David shared in Psalm 13 that made me feel like I wasn't the only one that ever felt that way.  I had read Psalm 13 many times and even sang versions of it as a church worship leader. But when I hit the dark night of the soul , it began to ring louder in my soul. David was in despair as he cried out How long will You look the other way? If nothing else, I realized that God didn't strike David dead for asking it and that He let it be included in the Bible. David expresses some of the things we think, but are indirectly told we can't ask.  David wasn't afraid to speak his mind. To ask hard questions like, How long will You forget me? Forever? How long will You look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Those are some very s...

  Do we really understand who God is? Do we know all He has done for us? I've taken a look or two through the first couple of chapters of Ephesians lately, and there are tons of things He's done for us and provided for us. I wonder if we miss some of it sometimes. That doesn't mean it's not ours. It doesn't mean we don't have it. We just may not reap the benefit of some things because we don't know it belongs to us. Have you ever had a long-lost relative? One you either didn't know you had, or for whatever reason, you were separated early on? Just because you don't know them, doesn't mean you are not related. God has provided for us in so many ways, we miss some things, though, because we simply do not know we can tap into them. This is where my mind went as I continued in Psalm 9 this morning. Verse 10 says, those who know Your name, will trust You. For You have not forsaken those who seek You.  When we know Him - we will trust Him. When we cont...

I hate that feeling I have when I wake up in the morning to all the things I didn't get to yesterday. Sometimes it's a sink of dirty dishes, laundry I forgot to switch out, postponing ministry emails, or a long list of job-related tasks. Sigh. It makes me tired before I even get started on my day. Anyone else ever feel that way?  Sometimes, it feels like things pile up and pile up, until I'm sure I'm going to be swept away in the aftermath. But no. That would be a little relief. I'm sure it'd all still be waiting here when I return with my arm in a sling and foot in a boot. LOL. I may be exaggerating a little, but only a little! Simply put - caregiving can be overwhelming on the best days. But we just keep putting one foot in front of another. Can I say this, though? Our enemy isn't our dirty house, piles of laundry, or the dishes starting to mold in the sink. It can feel that way, though. Our enemies are many. Doubt. Fear. Hopelessness. Aloneness. Social is...

 Why do we try to plan our days? It does help keep us a little more on the side of sanity, at least for me it does. But there are those times when the unexpected changes our day. Our days, our lives can change on a dime. I type this as I sit here in the ER with Chris, who suddenly became ill after doing so well and absolutely no signs of sickness.  What do we do when these things happen? Of course, we turn to prayer. We choose to trust God for the outcome, no matter what it looks like. I have no doubt this will be a positive outcome and that God will carry us through another time.  As you know, taking a loved one to the ER is stressful. You never know if you'll get a good doc or a bad doc. Tons of questions, especially when you are not sure what is going on with your loved one. Will the dr dismiss my concerns? Will they listen to me? So many questions... The doctor this morning listened to me and did not dismiss my concerns. He seemed to run all the right tests (not the r...

 This morning, I was reading in Joshua. Deuteronomy ended with Moses's death. As the book of Joshua opens, Joshua had to be in a state of mourning. He'd walked and worked with Moses (his mentor) for over 40 years. It had to be a huge loss to Joshua. God comes and tells him that Moses is gone and it's time for Joshua (who was not a young man anymore) to carry on the promise God made to take His children to the Promised Land.  I found the charge God gives Joshua very interesting. There were no burning bushes like Moses had. No fire fell out of heaven. Josh didn't even get a rumble of thunder, Lol. His call was simple - carry on the mission.  What stood out to me today was that three times in verses 6 through 9, God told Gideon to be strong and courageous  three times. Not once, even though that might have been enough. But God said it three times.  I think He must have wanted to emphasize it. Perhaps Joshua was really scared. I would have been! I mean, seriously, J...

  Yesterday, we had planned on going to church at my Uncle's church. I was all geared up and ready. I laid out our clothes and got things ready to make Sunday morning go as smoothly as possible. But my early morning check-in on Chris revealed a temperature a little over 101. Ugh. Even though it came down to around 99 quickly with some liquids and a fan, it's not like we can take any chances. Making plans can be one of the most difficult parts of caregiving, especially if your loved one is medically fragile. Chris has been on a good run, but he's had a worsening cough over the last week. So, I wasn't too surprised by a spiked fever. But, we had plans!    For me, formerly Miss Punctual, Miss Never a No-Show, this is so difficult. It's been one of the hardest parts of caregiving, and I still don't deal with it well after 17+ years. I am tempted to just stop making plans. LOL. But I know when I make plans that they have to be tentative. As caregivers, this may be ju...

 I am trying to spend more time getting things organized so that I can be more productive as the new year begins. I'll still be doing this blog and my weekday morning "Peace Out!" Facebook lives. But I want to do more. This year, I offered a few online classes and hope to do that again this year, but that also means I need to write more, and I want to do that, too. I'm tired just thinking about it. LOL. In my quest to figure out some things around the house, I started feeling overwhelmed. Well, that's certainly not new to caregiving. It's pretty much an everyday thing. Sometimes it hangs around, too. As I thought about all I needed to get done and how much I had shifted out yet another day, I thought, tomorrow will be different. It was hopeful and doubtful at the same time. Of course, my next thought was, sure, it'll be different, but how? Will the bottom fall out? New clients? Lost clients? LOL - my mind was off the chain with ideas of how tomorrow might ...

 Have you ever been in a group and felt like you were still alone? I think it kind of goes along with caregiving. Then there are times when you get to a venue only to realize it's not accessible. Or worse, you're not even invited  because the event was scheduled at an inaccessible venue. Even when we can get out and be with people, we can still experience social isolation.  It's real. It's deep. Recently, I was out and about, and even though I was in a crowd, I felt very alone. Isolated. Different. Noticeable, and not in a good way. Little things that aren't a big deal at home seemed to become huge. Like my son drooling on himself, or having to adjust him in the chair. Standing him for a second to get the pad right under him, or just getting him in and out of the car. Sigh. Simple caregiving tasks can separate us from mainstream society. But they shouldn't. As I was thinking about some of these things and how alone we can feel even when we are with others, I rea...

 I hate being late. I'll leave 2 hours early to sit and wait an hour to get into an event before I'm 5 minutes late! But caregiving has changed that a little bit. Too many potential bumps in the road that have forced me to come to grips with running late.  Even at home, I always feel I'm behind. I get up in the morning to stuff I just didn't get to yesterday. Then, in the evening, I go to bed with a whole list of things I didn't get done. It's exhausting to just never be caught up. It doesn't matter how I plan, how diligently I manage time, or how big my want-to, sigh. I'm always behind. You'd think I'd get used to it, but no! I still let it eat my lunch from time to time. One thing I have done is to curb the negative self-talk and speak more kindly to myself. Do you do that? I remind myself of the load I'm carrying. Caregiving is no joke! And it's not an easy job, no matter what. No matter how hard I've tried or how much I've neg...

 One of my favorite speakers of late is Lisa Harper. She is so smart, engaging, and witty in her delivery. I love her books and her videos. She seems to be down to earth, down here with us real people. Yesterday, after Chris watched his teaching video (we do this almost every morning), the next one that played was Lisa Harper. I just left it on.  As she began to share, something she said sparked a mental reel. That's my best description for it. She was talking about trusting God and how He's carried us through so much already. Whenever she said it, it was like this mini-quick reel played in my mind. I thought about my divorce and the fears I faced, starting with no job and two little kiddos to raise alone. Then, as a single parent, I returned to school to complete my bachelor's degree in Education.  Images of the mystery illness I had in 1996-7 ran through my mind. I thought about how God carried me through that. In just a matter of a few seconds, these and so many other...

 I'm spending a lot of time in Psalm 119 as I am finishing up another devotional. There are so many verses that stand out to me, but I stopped to read verse 107 over and over. The psalmist says, I am severely afflicted , give me life according to Your word! I really wondered what was going on at the time for David to use the phrase "severely afflicted," but obviously, it was something big to him.  It made me think back over life, and the times I felt I was severely afflicted. Caregiving is definitely one of those seasons. Most days are okay. We make adjustments. We learn our new normal , which is a far cry from what it used to be. We mourn over the loss of our BC (before caregiving) lives. We suck it up and learn to give it to Him so we don't get sucked into the emotional abyss. But it's still difficult.  I think I like the two extremes in this verse. Maybe that's what caught my attention. David says he felt severely afflicted, but he's also asking God to ...

  I've decided there are just some things that come with caregiving. Things that are frustrating... like able-bodied people taking handicap parking spots. It's also frustrating to see everyone use the access buttoned door to go in and out of a building that has two other doors... but they want to use the button - lol. Does it really make it that much easier for them  to get in and out? I think not. Just frustrating. Today, when I got home from Chris's workout at the 34 Project, the delivery driver had set his supplies on the ramp. Now, there is a whole patio there, but they had to put it on the ramp - I'm sure somehow it was easier for them than using just a little common sense and putting it to one side.  First, I got so mad. I just don't get it! Then I decided to flip the script. I made a purposeful choice. I will not think about their stupidity or carelessness (however you want to classify that!); instead, I will be thankful that all of his supplies for this mont...

 Yes, I know how to spell. I'm the head of the grammar police! lol - I meant to say dessert,  meaning the sweet things you eat after a meal, and sometimes before! I wasn't trying to say desert , the very dry land form where not much lives.  The desert is dry for everyone. It's hot. It's uncomfortable. But dessert is not usually meant to be dry. It's supposed to be sweet, delicious, and enjoyable. But sometimes, for caregivers, even the sweet spots of life can seem difficult and dry. While everyone else is enjoying their piece of pie, we are sitting out. Alone. Hiding our emotions so they don't know that even the sweet can be bitter. BC (before caregiving), we didn't have to miss family functions or worry about accessibility. There are so many factors that go into each and every decision we make. We are "on" 24/7, even when we try to sleep. But I do think that we learn to savor those quiet moments. The moments when something nice happens. And it doe...

  What do Job, Jonah, and Joseph have in common, other than their names starting with J? I've been thinking about these three men and how they endured their circumstances. All three of them found themselves trapped by life circumstances. I don't want to disqualify Jonah, even though he did it to himself by choosing to deliberately and rebelliously disobey God. Why not toss Jonah out of this respectable group of men? Seriously. He was in the dark, dank, belly of the whale because he disobeyed. That doesn't even hold a candle to the other two, who continued to seek and serve God even when their “perfect” worlds fell apart. I didn't choose these three because of their integrity or grit. I've been thinking about how God met them . Job lost all his riches, the wealth he had stored up, and the good reputation that went with it. Soon after, he lost his health. He was so sick, his close friends didn't even recognize him when they came to check on him. Then, they sat wit...

 Ever have the kind of day when everything seems to be running along nicely, and then something happens? It doesn't even have to be anything big, but it takes you into the depths of darkness with no warning at all. In those moments, it can feel like life swallowed you whole. It's like instant despair, whether you identify the trigger or not! As this happened to me yesterday - totally out of the blue, btw - I thought. Man, that happened fast and outta nowhere! I just kept trying to sort through those crazy emotions. As I thought about the helpless feelings of being swallowed whole by life, my mind went to Jonah. He is one of my favorite characters. He was swallowed whole by a fish or whale that God had prepared just for the filthy backslider. LOL. I thought about how dark it must have been in the belly of the whale. How alone he must have felt. How hopelessness and helplessness must have surrounded his soul as he literally faced the possibility and probability of death. When lif...

  Every day we have to make decisions that not only affect us, but that affect our loved ones. I think it's very difficult to make decisions for our loved ones. Decisions are a huge part of the caregiver's every day life, though. We can't just ignore things and hope they work out. We have to consider all sides, maybe do some research, and then make the best decision we can with the information we have. All through the Bible, heroes emerge who had to make decisions. And many times, it's their decisions that make them our heroes. David chose to take on Goliath and trusted God for the victory. Joseph chose to fight off temptation and ended up in prison because of it. Daniel chose to pray even when it became against the king's law to do so. He ended up in a den of hungry lions made powerless by the hand of God. Nehemiah chose to keep building the wall around beloved Jerusalem, even though he was being fought tooth and nail. (There's an old saying for you!) Rahab (th...

 Jehoshaphat found himself in a pickle. He was surrounded by his enemies and in 2 Chronicles 20:3, it says Jehoshaphat feared ... Wait. God let them put that in the Bible? It wasn't condemned or stricken from the record? This leader-warrior was afraid, and it wasn't a sin. Interesting. Maybe it's the next part of verse 3 that stands out even more. Yes, Jehoshaphat was told that the multitude of armies was heading his way. He understood what that meant and he understood that it was bigger than him. It was only fitting that he was afraid. He wasn't prideful. He didn't run! But he did take appropriate action.  Jehoshaphat was afraid, so he set himself to seek the Lord. He also proclaimed a fast throughout the land as they all turned to seek God and ask for help from the Lord. I wish I could say that my responses to troubling news are as spiritually responsible and healthy as Jehoshaphat's. But if I'm honest (and I'm usually honest!), that's not always m...