When I Don't Understand

I am resolved that there are just some things I will never understand. The last three weeks have been very rough. Two friends have died and gone on to their eternal reward, my son's botched surgery, near death and hospital stay and Thanksgiving without family have all taken a toll on my emotions.

Last night I was reading a post by someone whose son suffered a brain injury just a few weeks ago and he's making a remarkable recovery. I'm very happy for the family. But I have all these whys? Why does one recover and get to go on with life and another doesn't? this just added to my frustrations and perplexities.

I saw phrases that kind of made me mad. People say God is good.  And then they say God was with him. Those phrases we tend to only use when things go our way or when we get what we wanted. Are they saying God wasn't with my son? I know they don't mean it - but since I didn't get the same wonderful results is God not good? Was he not with Chris that day?

The obvious answers are of course that He was also with my son, and He is still good. I'm not upset at the rejoicing for those who recover quickly - I rejoice too. I wouldn't want anyone to have to walk this walk, you know? But God is no less good when I don't see Him move on my behalf like I want and expect Him too. He did not abandon my son that day just because we got different results.

We cannot measure His goodness by what we see. He is good. Period. No matter what life throws at us, no matter what fire or flood we walk through - His goodness is forever. His presence never weakens, He never abandons whether life is good at the moment or bad at the moment. He is with us when we are happy and things look great, and He's with us when we are at our bottom and our emotions are spent.

Philippians 4 helps me in times like these.Verse 4 starts out with rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Wow. I cannot say I always exemplify a gentle spirit. Sometimes I think I'm more like a wild mustang tearing through fences and fields or an ugly bull tearing down the proverbial China shop. lol

But Paul goes on in the next verse to give us this tidbit: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication let your requests be made known unto God. And then what happens? We get what we wanted? All our problems are solved? Our emotions are no longer raw? Life's fire stops burning? The flood stops rolling? Nope. But.....

Then the peace of God which passes our understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. His peace is enough when I don't understand. He can guard my heart through the rough spots. I can always take it back to the comfort I find in the phrase in verse 5 - he is near. When I don't understand when I am running on high octane emotions; when my heart is broken, when I am too tired to be tired..... He is near.

Today I will rest in the truth that He is near, specifically near the brokenhearted - so I know He's near today. My thoughts will be on His nearness and His perpetual goodness. A goodness that doesn't wane and wax with the turns of the days. I'll think of His constant love and kindness today. And I will rest in that. I'll let Him carry me today - will you join me?

Challenging and Rewarding!

If you were asked to describe caregiving in one word, what would it be? I thought of this earlier and found it difficult to nail down. Caregiving is challenging - but also rewarding. It's difficult - but easy to choose when we follow our heart's love. It can be confusing yet simple. Caregiving can be hectic - but peaceful. Peaceful? I'm not sure I would use that word to describe what we do everyday. Would you?

Initially, I started this conversation in my head when I was reading 2 Thessalonians 3:16. I was doing a little online devotion with a FaceBook group this morning and my eyes scanned across it. I was talking about praying scriptures and was running through several of them in Thessalonians. I have a bunch of scriptures marked - underlined and a "p" beside it so I can pull them out and pray them when appropriate. The one thing is that I call them "generic" meaning they work at any time for just about any person or situation.

While I was teaching all this today my attention was grabbed by this one scripture: Now may the Lord of peace Himself continuously grant you peace in every circumstance. My mind stuck there for awhile as my thoughts ran away. Can He really give peace in every situation? Even for the caregiver? I have to say - yes. He can grant us peace in our situation - then it's up to us to let His peace reign in our hearts and minds.

Today, I will concentrate on letting His peace reign in my heart, mind and situation. This scripture will be my prayer and my meditation today. But I want to go beyond that just a bit and make room for the letting His peace reign. I will focus on His peace rather than the hectic schedule for today. As I rest in His peace - I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me in letting His peace reign today?

The Perfect Storm

This morning as promised, I stayed in Mark 4. I've been thinking about what I read a lot since yesterday's devotional. I am wondering if caregiving isn't its own little world. And of course each caregiver and their situation is another unique world. Think about the caregivers you know and their situation has its own definitive circumstances. No two situations are exactly alike.

One one hand, we're quick to compare and contrast our situations with others. Yet on the other hand, there's no way to compare what each of us go through with another. We each deal with our own storm the best we can. The cool thing is that God's word doesn't change to match our situation - but it is applicable for each of us.

The first 24 verses of Mark 4 contains teachings of Jesus. He was discussing and describing the Kingdom of God. He talked about a farmer planting seed on different types of soil and how the seed (the message) responded in those situations. Then in verse 26 He described the Kingdom like a farmer planting the seed - from the seed's point of view.  It grows silently, secretly before the farmer's very eyes. And then He said the Kingdom was like a mustard seed - where something small grows into something huge unexpectedly; and provides shelter. (I'll be thinking more on these things!)

Then right after He finished, He and His disciples got in a boat to cross to the other side. But they ran into a strong storm. The disciples were terrified - that kind of scared that's beyond reason. They thought they were going to die. But when they turned to Jesus - He was asleep in the boat!

They yelled at Him, Don't You care we are about to die? He got up and calmed the storm. They were still in the boat. They were still in the water. Jesus was still in the boat. As caregiver's we stay in the water in the boat. And God stays there with us too. Jesus didn't get out of the boat.

Then He said to them Do you not still have faith in me?  In this same story, shared by Luke in chapter 8 this phrase was translated as Where is your faith? He did not rebuke them for their fear, even though He questioned it in Mark's account. He didn't berate them. He just asked them where their faith was.

Over the last few years, I must say my faith has been redefined, but as I read this I thought about His question to the disciples - Where is your faith? There have been times I have been angry that He was asleep! How dare He sleep while I'm going through? Right??? But my faith always comes back around to this deep-rooted trust in Him.

He is not worried about my situation - although He is concerned and connected. He knows there's a storm. He knows it's a strong storm. He also knows how to speak peace in the midst of the storm. Even though He speaks peace - it doesn't mean we get out of our boat! What I love is that God can speak peace into our situation right in the midst of it all. I am wound pretty tight, but when He speaks peace it's overwhelming. Sometimes I need to be reminded to embrace His peace in the storm. Let the world rock crazily out of control around me - but remember that He is in the boat - He did not crawl out or escape when the going got rough.

Today I will turn my thoughts away from the storm and to the peace He provides. John 14:27 says He gives us a peace that's not like what the world gives. Jesus also reminds us, don't be troubled or afraid. My meditation today will be on how I can focus on the peace He provides and how I can keep from being troubled or afraid. My thoughts will be on His peace - the peace that goes beyond our understanding. I will rejoice that He is still in the boat with me on life's troubled seas. He knew the storm was coming and didn't choose to not go along for the ride. I'll rest in the truth that He is with me - and that He gives peace,freely. And I will trust Him for one more day in the midst of the perfect storm. Will you join me?

Busy, Busy, Busy

There are so many areas caregivers can struggle with. We can experience bouts with fear, discouragement, depression, frustration, weariness, loss and deal with what I've learned is a living grief. We may feel helpless, hopeless or alone. And for me I went through a period of time when my faith was totally redefined.

On any given day we may have to work through any combination of emotions. And all of this is on top of what we have to do physically. I think it's safe to say we are busy - inside and out. For me, my emotions can be churning around inside like a roller coaster while on the outside I'm working my full time job, doing laundry, prepping meals, or helping my son with some type of therapy. I'm out of breath just thinking about it!

How do we slow down? How do caregivers find some sort of peace - inside or out? Is there even time for that? It's easy for someone on the outside to tell us we need to take a break. But rarely do they also offer to do anything to help us get that break. I actually contacted a house cleaning company to see how much it would cost to get some help. It was so expensive I'd have had to take on another job to pay for it!

So here I am again with my thoughts running a hundred to nothing. And once again I have to recognize that He knows my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23) And I remind myself of 1 Peter 1:7 which tells me to give Him all my worries. I like the Amplified version which says: casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully]. 

So today as I struggle just trying to figure out how to live this busy life, once again I will stop. Take a breath. And give it all to Him. Honestly He is the only One who can make something out of this mess. Isaiah 61: 3 tells me that He is able to give beauty for ashes, and joy for mourning, and praise in place of despair. So once again, I wait.

Today I will purposefully wait on Him. I will un-busy myself enough to breathe and acknowledge His presence in my life and home. My thoughts will be on the peace He provides and I will wait for Him to bring beauty for ashes. I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

It's the "Little" Things

Solomon was right when he penned, It's the little foxes that spoil the vine. As caregivers we have lots and lots of "big" things that make our days more difficult than "normal" people's. And honestly, most days I have finally learned how to have a handle on those. It took awhile to find a new "normal" and adjust to a lifestyle that is anything BUT normal. But we are caregivers - we assess, adjust, and advance - on a daily, hourly or minute by minute bases as needed.

It's little things like this lady, who did have a handicap sticker by the way, who parked just a little bit too far in the loading area. It was just enough that I had to lift my son's chair up and over to get him on the lift.

I may or may not have said a bad word or two while I was trying to decide what to do. I thought about waiting until she came back out so I could giver her a piece of my mind. But I was afraid I might just punch her first. We were tired, ready to go home and both needed some rest so I decided to lift his chair up and over the lip on the lift so we could proceed. I got him in the van, buckled down, then I stored the lift and went around to get in just in time to hear some smarty pants on KLOVE say something about not letting things steal your joy.

Steal my joy? What joy? Did you see that inconsiderate blond lady who parked like that?  But deep down I knew the guy was probably right. I had had a wonderful evening with my family. We went to my daughter's church to hear my grandson sing in the choir, and then we came out to eat ice cream. It had been a fun, relaxing time with my daughter's family and my sister and brother-in-law and this short, blond chick had to park where it made it difficult to get Chris in the van. And just like that - the joy of the evening was snatched away.

As caregivers, we carry a lot - our day is so full of the things we get to do to care for our loved ones - but we walk around in a state of the proverbial "camel's back" and anything or everything can be that last straw. It really doesn't take much most days (maybe that's just me). The world is filled with inconsiderate people - it's our choice how they affect, or don't affect us. It's easy to say - difficult to do!

Today my meditation will be on Romans 15:13 - I pray that the God of hope fills you with all joy and peace because you believe in Him. I'll let Him restore the joy of my salvation  as I recall that absolutely none of these things have an effect on my salvation. It is secure whether there are considerate or inconsiderate people around is irrelevant. My soul, and my son's soul are safe in Him. I'll choose to rejoice in that fact today. Will you join me?

Anticipating the Need

My son is non-verbal which can make it difficult sometimes to figure out what he is wanting or why he is uncomfortable. I usually say I'm pretty good at playing "guess and check" where I guess what to fix and then see if that's what makes him happy. It seems like I'm right most of the time but of course I never really know.

Sometimes I wish he could just tell me he needs some Tylenol; or that he's ready to go lie down. But he can't. I've had to figure out his silent signals and interpret what he needs or desires. On one hand, it seems like we've been working on that for some time - but actually it sort of came naturally. Probably because we are connected at the heart.

I think when it comes to communicating with God as our caregiver it can be similar, not that we can't tell Him what we need, but that sometimes we don't really know what we need. He can interpret our silent pleas for help. Along the journey there have been times I've had too many words (meaning I've said things to God I should not have said); but there have also been times of extreme pain when I didn't know what to say. And He's okay with either one.

For me - I have to anticipate my son's needs; but God already knows what I need. In Matthew 6:8 Jesus said that the Father knows what you need before you ask. He is not anticipating our needs - He already knows them. I think sometimes it's more about us learning how to receive His help. He knows and has already provided peace, comfort, joy and everything we need for life and godliness. (2 Peter 1:3) He listens to our verbal cries and hears our silent cries for help - and has already met the need.

It's up to us to learn how to rest in Him and how to receive peace, comfort and whatever else we need from Him. He's already extended it to us because He anticipated the need long before it existed. There's something very calming to me about acknowledging that.

Today I will meditate on how He provides everything I need. I'm going to take some time to look back over this caregiving journey and acknowledge how He's been with me all along and how He has provided what was needed all along. I'll meditate on how He knows  my need and has already provided for it. Will you join me?

Is there a scripture for that?

One of the things I do that drives other people simply mad is needing a scripture for almost everything. But as we know from life in general, as well as caregiving, there's not always a scripture to match a particular situation.

When I am afraid, I can run to Psalms and find passages to help calm my fears. If I come up on financial struggles, I can find scriptures pertaining to God as our provider. Even when I am sick, I can run to our standard group of healing scriptures. And if I don't find immediate relief in any of these circumstances, finding a scripture or passage that is related helps give me something to stand on. Even when the tasks associated with caregiving become overwhelming I have a set of Psalms handy to remind me where to take a heavy or burdened heart - right back to Him.

But it can be difficult to find a scripture that pertains to everything - caregiving or not. There are tons of little things that we don't talk about but that can nag at us. I'm mostly over it now, but for a long time it really bothered me when my son drooled when we were out in public. He does hold his head up better now so it's not quite so bad - but there's just something less than classy (not that I have any class to begin with! lol) about having to wipe drool off the mouth of my grown son... do you know what I mean? I don't mind doing it - I'm not exactly embarrassed by it - but there are times it can get to you.

And then of course there are those unmentionables.  I'm talking about the things we don't mention because we can't. I'll try to be discreet! But when there are incontinence issues there can be embarrassing situations when out in public. We deal with them the best we can- like placing a jacket over the lap if a soiled spot appears. One time I had to leave an appointment at a physician's office because we had a stinky situation. There's no scripture to look up for that one!

What do we do? In most of life's situations we can find a scripture that relates, or at least one that parallels what we are going through. But in these types of what can be awkward situations, where's the scripture for that?

As I was thinking along these lines this morning I think I found one. Isaiah 61:2 says He comforts all who mourn. I think this covers all types of mourning - or loss. And it covers all those things we cannot talk about freely. (But if we could - we'd have some stories to share!!lol) I think when I saw this scripture this morning - I just felt like God was trying to tell me that He's got us covered. No matter what we are dealing with today - and for the caregiver that can be a wide range of possibilities -  He's got us.

Today I will meditate on and accept the comfort God offers. I'm going to meditate on how He has me covered today. Whenever anything comes up in my mind that wants to trouble me today - I'm just going to remind myself that He has me and He's not going to let me go. Will you join me?

What? No White Horse?

I know I've shared before that when my son was first injured I honestly thought that at any moment God was going to come riding on a white horse right into the ICU waiting area and swoop us all away. After 3 plus weeks in ICU and over 4 months total at the hospital I kinda started to figure out that was not going to happen. Yeah, I'm a slow learner! lol

I still believe that God does not cause these things to happen, but I also believe he does allow life to bring them. However, I also believe that He does not waste them. What I mean by that is that while we are in any of life's situations - He's going to use it.

1 Peter 5:10 says this: After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. Honestly, I'm not rejoicing over that when I first read it. I'd rather it said that God is going to look down and see us suffering and come riding in and pull us out of the fire, rescue us, save us and take away our pain. It didn't say that though.

While I don't think God rejoices when we go through struggles or trials, I do think He uses what life brings to form us. Our natural man may be going through the toughest days of our lives, but He is working on our spiritual man. There's nothing like caregiving to reveal our own character to us. Sometimes (many times) I don't like what I see...occasionally, I do.

Caregiving is one of those life events that pulls the best and the worst out of us. For me, it's helped pull out being able to stand up and say what I think. Unfortunately, sometimes this also means that a few unacceptable terms are used to express what I'm really feeling. (I'm working on that.) Just being honest here. Instead of God swooping us away, stopping the pain and grief and returning us to a "normal" life (whatever that is), He uses the situation we are in to temper us.

He perfects or matures us; and confirms, strengthens and establishes us.  The New Living Translation says He will restore, support, strengthen and place you on a firm foundation. So even though sometimes it feels like caregiving is chipping away out our heart and life - God is in the background girding us up and working to strengthen our spirit man. Even though He isn't working to save our physical man - He's got us covered spiritually. In fact He's working overtime to see to it that we remain established and growing in Him.

Today I will meditate on the work He's doing in my heart, even though I don't see what He's doing all the time. My thoughts will be once again on how He put His Spirit in me - and that's what gives me strength to go on. (Eph 3:10) I will fight off the thoughts of abandonment with thoughts of how much attention He is giving to developing my character; and how He is still perfecting His image in me. Will you join me?

Lulled into Complacency

Caregiving has a way of lulling us into complacency. There's so many things that are the same as yesterday, things that don't change or go away.  Just my morning routine consists of getting Chris up, stripping his bed, starting his laundry, taking out his trash, pureeing his breakfast and feeding him. It's the same every single morning and then other routines take over after that. All of these mini-routines build up into one huge day of doing the same things over and over. For me, even runs to the urgent care or ER are routine any more. I know just what needs to be in the bag and I can throw it all together and be out of the door in a matter of minutes!

Even though the caregiver's schedule is hectic even at its most peaceful times, it has a way of lulling us into complacency. We know what to expect and when to expect it and basically nothing surprises us anymore. There's not a lot of spontaneity in the caregiver's life because there's a whole series of events that must occur to just go somewhere. It can take massive amounts of planning to just wiggle something like a movie into the schedule. Sometimes it's easier to just stay home instead of undertaking all the work necessary just to go get necessities. Complacent.

1 Peter 1:13 gives believers a stern warning  regarding becoming complacent in our faith. Peter tells them to prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on His grace. This verse is full of action that the believer must perform in order to keep from being complacent in our faith. As caregivers, our body gets tired and emotions can run thin and we can easily chill out and "turn off life." We can stop fighting for our faith mostly because we are just too tired body, soul and spirit. But it's important for us to remain diligent about keeping our minds sober and our hope fixed on His grace. We can't be distracted from Him by our crazy lives as caregivers.

Sometimes I think I'm too tired to be diligent; or I just want to rest from it all. I would love an emotional break - forget an actual physical vacation (what is that? lol) I'd just love for my emotions to be settled down and my mind to slow down and let my spirit man catch his breath! But while the caregiver may be thinking all of that, there is a good reason for us to keep ourselves in tip-top shape spiritually.

1 Peter 5:8 gives us the reason we have to be diligent even though we are tired. Our adversary, the devil, is seeking to destroy us. He doesn't want to destroy us physically - he wants our faith. When we allow caregiving to lull us into a complacent state spiritually - we become easy prey. So as difficult as it can be to stay focused on spiritual things through the distractions of caregiving - it is necessary for our spiritual being that we maintain our spirit man.

Today I am going to focus on how the Spirit of God lives in me to give me life. I'm going to purposefully feed my spirit His word instead of feeding my mind. My meditations will be on how I can remain diligent about pursuing Him and letting His peace reign in my heart and mind. Will you join me?

Just One Giant?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about David and how he ran out to kill the giant, Goliath. I also thought about Benaiah, who ran into a pit on a snowy day to kill a lion. (1 Chronicles 11: 22) As I was thinking about these valiant warriors and how they faced their greatest fears head on I thought of the caregiver who has to face things on a daily basis. It's more like all of life is a giant; or at least feels that way sometimes.

David only faced Goliath one time, Daniel was thrown into the lion's den only once, the three Hebrew children faced only one fiery furnace and Jesus only went to the cross one time. But lately it feels like everyday has its own series of giants to be taken out.

I'm not making light of these Bible heroes as we understand they all had situations that were difficult to bear, but sometimes we major on just one victory without realizing that they had other obstacles in their life and dealt with situations every day too. Daniel was a captive, a slave in a very oppressive culture. But he managed to keep his faith in tact day after day even when he faced the lions.

Joseph was sold by his brothers into slavery and yet for years held to God's promise. David spent years running from Saul who was pursuing him to kill him. Every single day had to be a struggle for these guys. Life didn't really let up for them even when they weren't facing giants.It can be easy to feel that way sometimes for the caregiver since some things just don't go away. We may find ourselves running on overload on a daily basis. That's pretty much where I was when I was thinking about David and thought he only faced one giant?  My life seems full of daily giants and insurmountable circumstances.

It can be enough to wear you out physically, spiritually, and emotionally. So how are we supposed to cope with a situation that we don't face just once, but daily?My first thought is Psalm 56:3 what time I am afraid I will trust in You.  But then sometimes - I'm afraid all the time! And I still just have to trust Him. Period.

For the caregiver, everyday can feel like a giant, or a series of giants. What do we do? Run to Him. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 61. The psalmist is crying out to God and uses the phrase when my heart is overwhelmed...lead me to the rock.... 

It goes on to say that God has been  a shelter in the past. I think the psalmist was just reminding himself that God has provided shelter from life's storms (and giants) and He will continue to be the shelter for what every day brings, no matter how overwhelming it might be. And that is where we are - trusting the Rock to be our Shelter and our giant facer!

Today I am going to try and rest in His shelter. I will let Him provide the protection my heart needs today. I'll take all my anxious thoughts to Him and relinquish them to His care. My thoughts will be on His protection of my body, soul and spirit. And I will once again rest in Him. Will  you join me?

Not a Fair Trade at All

Be anxious for nothing. That's what Paul told the believers in Philippians 4:6. Obviously they didn't have a handicap van and people parking in the way of the lift in a clearly marked restricted area! (People wrongfully taking handicap spots is one of my pet peeves btw.)

As a caregiver you know how anxious life can be at times, or all the times sometimes. Surely Paul would rethink these instructions were he here today, or maybe he wouldn't. Every single day there are constant opportunities to be anxious, sometimes it even feels like we are living anxious. If we do not guard ourselves we can be one huge bundle of anxious as we walk through the day. And it can take the smallest thing to cause us to explode.

One of the strategies I use for dealing with anxious thoughts is to turn them into prayers. Sometimes, when I remember, I turn them into thankful prayers. Then not only do I have peace in my heart, but His peace invades it as well. And when I give Him these crazy, out of hand thoughts, He faithfully places His peace to guard my heart.

Sometimes these transitional prayers come easy, other times they are difficult. But I am learning to stop the thoughts before they run totally away with my peace of mind and heart. One of my friends told me one time that I have a "Google Mind." She said when someone starts talking or something happens I can take one little hint and my mind starts spitting out results, scenarios, etc. She's pretty much right too! My mind goes so fast and my thoughts can go so wrong so quickly. It's a constant struggle to keep my thoughts from getting totally out of hand. I do that by turning them into prayers and thanksgiving.

One issue for me has been finances. I'm sure no one else has that to worry about along with the other caregiving responsibilities! Right? When it gets too tight for my comfort, which is a lot lately, I start thinking of things to be thankful for. We have never missed a meal, our lights are still on, I am still able to work, etc. I find that when I turn my crazy thoughts into thankfulness His peace begins to shore up my mind. My hope, strength and peace do not come from being able to work (although I am thankful for that); but they come from Him to guard my mind. My work becomes keeping my mind on Him and seeing Him as my provider no matter what the bank account says!

You know what? He gets my anxiety.And He will take it if I will give it to Him. I have to let it go so that He can replace it with His peace. It's not a fair trade really - He takes my anxious thoughts, and I get His peace. I'm okay with that!

Today I will make a conscious effort to give Him my anxiety and allow His peace to reign in my heart and mind. When my thoughts start trying to run off with my life - I'll stop, pause and turn my thoughts to Him. My meditation will be on His ability to provide peace. I will choose to embrace it and walk in it today. Will you join me?

What do you need that for?

Something as simple as a flower can be a bright spot in a day. When we walk through the park behind our apartments, we often find wild flowers growing sporadically along the side of the trail. It's been my practice for many years to simply enjoy this random beauty and allow it to lighten my heart. If that's the only reason God made wild flowers, then I am thankful. He usually has a reason or purpose for just about everything, we just don't always discover it right off.

This morning I was reading through a psalm that I grew up knowing. My mom read it to me when I was scared or troubled. As an adult I read it to my children as well. Psalm 91 I believe has been misinterpreted over the years to mean that nothing is going to happen to us if we stay hidden in Him. On one hand, I agree with the concept - our soul (being) is safe in Him. It is safe from any type of harm. Our body on the other hand, is susceptible to life.

As I was reading this familiar passage I paused to think. It starts out with Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge, He is my fortress; He is my God and I am trusting Him. 

There are a few things that stood out to me in these verses today. First of all, you don't need a shelter if there is no danger. Secondly, you don't need a refuge if there isn't a storm. Thirdly, you don't need a fortress if there isn't an enemy. The caregiver lives in a storm - so He's got us covered!

This entire psalm speaks of things that life might throw at us. Many circles misinterpret it to mean that if you trust God then nothing bad is going to happen. I think it is quite different than that. First of all, verse 8 implies that we are safe from the judgment of God and only the wicked will see it. But the long list of protective forces needed in this psalm indicate that there are things happening all the time; things we need to be protected from. It's not that we will never see difficulties or struggles - but that God is protecting us through them.

Verse 5 tells us that we will not be afraid of:

the terror by night

the arrow that flies by day

the pestilence stalking in darkness

the destruction that lies in wait at noon...

But it's all out there. We cannot stick our heads in the sand and pretend "bad things" do not exist. Life is full of trials, tests, and tribulations. That's why we need a shelter. He is always right here. No matter where here is - He's got it covered; He's got us covered. All we have to do is run to Him.

Today I will meditate on His divine protection of my soul. I will allow Him to bathe my mind, will and emotions in His peace and protection. I will rest in Him today and allow Him to be my protector and my shield. I will let Him take care of me today - He is my caregiver. Will you join me?

Reminders that Life is Fragile

As if caregiving by itself was not enough of a reminder of the fragility of life, there are plenty of new ones. Just Saturday I learned of three deaths. One was a long time family friend who actually named my daughter, another was a Facebook friend who brightened every day with humor, and the other was a local sportscaster tragically killed in an accident. These all left huge holes in my heart and reminded me that we cannot take a single day with our loved ones for granted.

As a caregiver, every day can be lived in pain - sometimes it's like everything hurts and even the small things are magnified. But when it's big things like watching your mom in the beginning stages of dementia or losing a close friend, it can be more difficult to handle.

Times are tough and emotions are high when you are a caregiver. Many days it takes everything we've got just to keep ourselves together to perform all the associated duties. Let one little (or big) unexpected thing happen and it can throw a wrench into everything and make it difficult to get gathered back up and composed. But yet, we do it again and again because life doesn't give any exemptions to caregivers. We have to keep on with our caregiving responsibilities and deal with the other things life wants to throw at us. Never mind considering our own frailty and fragility - but it is in the back of our mind. And life's reminders make me think of the fears I've shoved back where I don't have to think about them like what would happen to my son and parents if something happened to me?

2 Peter 1:3 tells us that He has given us everything we need for life and godliness. He fills us up with what we need to make another day. I think the trick is in acknowledging that life is fragile and so are we. That's the only way we can allow ourselves to become totally dependent on Him instead of on our own strength. We are caregivers - we know how to suck it up and keep moving. But we also know that if we don't do that - we might collapse into a bundle of nothingness. And just about the time we get it all together something like the sudden death of a friend or acquaintance knocks our props out from under us. It's actually the perfect set-up for us to remind ourselves that we must rely on Him instead of our own strength.

I will miss my friends, but I will remind myself that life is not a given. I know how just one phone call can change everything.

Today I will live with gratitude. I'll turn my thoughts to being thankful for my friends and family. My meditations will be on how I trust Him to give me everything needed to live life well and in Him. I will purposefully spend today thanking Him for the good things in life and shift my focus to the positives - and will not allow the negatives to steal from me today. I will turn my thoughts to His peace and comfort and allow them to rule in my heart and mind today. Will you join me?

Aged to Perfection

After a very busy weekend away, I sat down with my coffee this morning and opened my Bible. The Bible I've been using is still packed in my bag, so I grabbed the closest one and it fell open to Isaiah 26. I read through the entire chapter but my eyes and my mind went back and settled on  verse 3. My mom taught me this verse as a child. It says: You will keep him in perfect peace all who trust You.

I grew up with the old King James Bible being the "only" Bible and it states the last portion as whose mind is stayed on thee. The verse has significance to me because my mother had what was called a "complete nervous breakdown" just after I was born. She spent months in a mental hospital all drugged up and endured the maximum number of shock treatments. That was the treatment of choice back in the early 60s. So I grew up listening to her quote this scripture as part of her testimony of how God had brought her out and healed her; and I learned to meditate on scriptures to find peace in my own heart and mind.

As I thought about this scripture this morning I kept rolling the phrase "perfect peace" around in my head. It led me to thinking about another place in scriptures where "perfect" is used. It's in 1 John 4:18 and it says Perfect love casts out all fear. In years past, I've done teachings on "perfect love" and talked about how imperfect we are - but that perfect means mature. To be mature would mean it's been through some stuff and made it.

Caregivers have been and are still going through some stuff. We are by no means perfect; or at least I'm not! When my son first had his accident and I was sitting there with him, I often wondered what I had done wrong to cause this to happen. It took me months to come to any sense of peace in the matter - maybe even more like years. I had anything but  peace. My life was disrupted and put on hold. I was doing what I thought God had called me to do and if I was following Him and (at least what I thought was ) His plan - how could this happen?  What did I do wrong?

It took me a long time to sort through to peace and to anything that even remotely resembled trust again. But as my trust in Him aged and came to maturity it grew deeper rather than being discarded. I didn't do anything wrong -- life just happened. I learned to trust once again and I learned to let His peace rule in my heart and mind once again.

Trusting Him is a big part of caregiving. After all, He is our caregiver - He watches over us and dotes over us like we do our loved ones. He is constantly watching and protecting us. He advocates for our peace of mind. As we mature in Him and learn to trust Him even more our peace matures; and so does our love for Him. One might say that our peace and love are aged to perfection like a good wine. Over time, when we train our minds to remain on Him and His word instead of our situations, we gain more peace; and we are able to trust Him more - again.

Today I will meditate on His peace and His love that protect me. I'll turn my thoughts to how they guard my heart and my mind. I will purposefully trust Him more for the strength and wisdom to make it through today. Will you join me?

Like a Dove

There can be different roles we play as caregivers. For me, I am a sole caregiver for my son and get few breaks. But on a totally different level I am in the beginning stages of caregiving (just offering assistance presently) for my parents who are aging. No matter what specific role we play as a caregiver it can be overwhelming and emotionally exhausting. This morning I was just feeling tired; too tired to start the day. I thought of the verse in Psalm 55 where the psalmist says Oh that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. But then my next thought was No, I'm too tired to fly away! (smile) - I know you relate.

Evidently when David penned this psalm he was under a lot of pressure from his enemies. And according to verse 12 even his friends had begun to fight with him. The shift is friendships was one of the biggest shockers of becoming a caregiver. Our BC (before caregiving) friends are not always able to handle the changes we need to make. And some are just not capable of offering what they think is continued support. They don't realize we are still the same person. We still have the same likes and dislikes but our time is divided up differently now.

One factor for me is that I just don't have the time to chase people down and make them a friend. If they want to be a friend they will find a way, I've seen that in demonstration. (And I've also spent a lot of time alone lol!) Having to go through the huge shift in our circle of friends is one of the most hurtful parts of the journey; and it can have lasting effects. But thankfully, this psalm offers a couple of bits of help for those who have been (or even just felt) betrayed by friends.

The first thing that sticks out to me is in verse 18 - He will redeem my soul in peace. I like that because not only is God going to reach out and redeem, or rescue our soul (mind, will, emotions), He is going to do it in peace.  He will bring me back to Himself and let me rest in peace. I can handle some of that!

The second takeaway point from this psalm for me is in verse 22- cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you.  That sounds like a winning combination - my part is to cast, or throw my burdens over onto His big shoulders; then His part is to sustain me so I can face one more day.

Today I will meditate on the truth that He will redeem me in peace. I will do my part to rest in His peace. And I will also toss my burdens over on Him and allow Him to sustain my soul. I will let Him be God of my heart, mind and soul today. And maybe I won't fly away after all. Will you join me?

The Thing I Fear Most

In Job's lament found in chapter three, he made a statement that faith-ers have used against him for years. He said: the thing I greatly feared has come upon me.(KJV) As a caregiver there can be many fears that we have to deal with. Our fears might lead to questions like:

• What if I can't provide for my loved one?
• What if I get sick and can't take care of him/her?
• What happens to my loved one once I am gone?

These are all valid fears and are running around somewhere in the back of our minds most of the time. Because they are not imminently upon us we don't have to think about them too often; but they are still there. Another fear that I have had is that I would become bitter through the ordeal. It's been one of my most frequent concerns and the center of many prayers that the Lord would help me in my quest to prevent bitterness from setting in.

Caregiving can take a toll on you - but it's the rest of life (which we are not exempt from) that can take you down. We all have those times when we feel like everything is crashing in and we have to face our fears. How do we walk through this valley and keep a positive attitude? It's too easy to feel abandoned by other people, and life itself. We're just hanging here with a choice. How am I going to deal with this? Are we going to cave in and be angry and God and everybody? Or are we going to stand up, adjust our clothing and take life on one more time?

Isaiah 26:3 is a scripture that comes to mind in times like this. It says You will keep him in perfect peace - whose mind is stayed on You. To me, perfect means mature. When we keep our minds fixed on God instead of our situations He provides perfect peace or a mature peace; a peace that stands. My job is to refocus my thoughts on the Lord and keep them from gravitating toward my situation or life's events. 

Today I will shift my focus to God's word and allow it to be my meditation. I will purposefully turn my thoughts to the God I trust and keep them off the troubles of life. I'll think about how I trust Him to see me through and I will allow His perfect peace to invade my heart as I let go of frustration and fear. Will you join me?

Over the last year I had some of my own health problems and was even in the hospital for a few days. It was amazing how many people stepped up to help with my son during that time. You know all too well how miserable it can be to not feel well. It brings a wide range of emotions that are difficult to deal with and you can feel so inadequate. My daughter stepped right up to the plate and others drove in from out of town to give her a hand. And then of course, once I was better they were all gone! (smile)

During one visit to the doctor's office she prescribed me some meds for high blood pressure. (Go figure, right?) And she said that they would be good for me since they also helped calm down anxiety. I laughed and said, "You think I'm anxious?" I have always been high strung and being a caregiver hasn't replaced or changed any of that. Actually, I started running as a way to deal with the stress of caregiving and am now training for another marathon. You'd think that would alleviate some anxiety, wouldn't you?

Caregivers have to handle so many different things in a day our thoughts can run a hundred miles an hour or more. We have all the regular daily tasks and sometimes have them organized and manageable. But then let one thing get out of whack and "anxiety" doesn't even come close to describing how we can feel. But it only takes a few seconds of thinking it through and coming up with new strategies and it's all back on an even keel.

There are probably some anxious moments for the caregiver every single day. In Psalm 94:19 the psalmist says: When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. Multiply is probably the best word to describe how our crazy thoughts can run away with us on any given day. Explode might be another appropriate way to describe it! But when our questions and thoughts are in "run away" mode we can stop, breathe and consider our true Help. And He will fill us with His peace, hope, comfort and joy.

Today I will work to control my anxiety and work at resting in Him and relying on Him. I will practice self control and not let my thoughts get away from me too quickly before I reel them back in. My thoughts will be on the hope, comfort and peace He provides me so I can make one more day. I will rest in Him today - will you join me?

No Sleeping on the Job!

Sometimes the caregiver is left floundering on their own and sometimes there are organizations or individuals who help them out. There are programs to help pay for aides and supplies that are very beneficial for helping us stay sane. When I have an aide it means I get out a little more to run, or run errands and that is good. There are nurses who come periodically to check my son out and see that he is healthy and being taken care of. Family members often sit with my son so that I can do things I enjoy or escape for a weekend. I am very appreciative of this "village" that helps me out from time to time.

However, I learned a long time back when this caregiving journey first began that my help comes from the Lord. I had no idea of the the types of situations and decisions I would be facing on a daily basis back then, but I knew if I was going to survive I would have to look at Him for my help. I began to meditate on Psalm 121 while we were still living in the ICU waiting room. I stayed there day and night for 3 weeks before we moved to an isolation room on a regular floor where we remained for over 3 months.

A few days into our ICU stay I was in prayer and thought about all the wonderful nurses and doctors who were providing exceptional care for my son. But as I was thinking about what a great job they were doing I also realized that they couldn't help me. They could talk to me, calm me down, try to ease my fears...but they were not my help - only God could under gird me in the time of trouble.

One of my son's friends had loaned me a guitar for the hospital stay and I sat down and put some chords and a melody to Psalm 121. I knew I would have to look to God for my soul's help, for my peace and comfort and that He alone was my true help.  I knew I was in a position to look to Him and only Him. As the last 7 years of caregiving have unfolded, I continue to look to Him for strength, comfort and wisdom as the daily walk continues and I meditate on this psalm often.

I will look to the Lord

Where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord

Who made heaven and earth

He will not allow your foot to slip

He who keeps you will not slumber

Behold, He who keeps Israel 

Will never slumber nor sleep 

It's such a comforting thing for me to know that God's not sleeping on the job! He is always watching over my soul and keeping me safely tucked in His own heart.

Today I will meditate on the fact that He does not rest; but He continuously keeps me and watches over my soul so that I do not faint. My thoughts will be on the truth that He is always on the job and He never even takes a break to rest. And I will rest knowing He is my peace and strength. Will you join me?

If you'd like to see the video I made of the song I wrote after I got in my son's room you can see it on my facebook page here: Psalm 121.

Mind and Heart

Have you ever twisted a dish rag to wring all the water out of it? Have you ever felt like   a wrung out dish rag that's had all the water rung out of it? That describes my last day or two for sure and unfortunately describes the caregiver at the end of all too many days. We talk a lot about the numerous tasks we have to do everyday and how adding one more no matter how small thing can tip the whole boat. Sometimes it tips us physically other times it can tip us emotionally. Either one can be detrimental. But you know what? Because we are caregivers - we just keep going, and going, and going.

My already busy days got messed up by a minor wrist injury that occurred during my taekwondo session last week. Why does it take an act of God and congress to make a doctor's appointment and grab a quick xray? A busy day gets more hurried finding sitters and making arrangements to take care of these little extras. Eventually, I sat down with a cup of coffee and a big "Whew!" and wondered what I needed most. My answer came swiftly: peace.

This morning during my devotion I found myself in John 14. As I am reading through the chapter, I stopped on verse 17. The New Living Translation of this familiar verse reads this way I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives.So don't be troubled or afraid.  I stopped there to think about all that and let it soak in.

It's interesting that He said peace of mind and heart and that He said don't be troubled or afraid. I think our heads get so full of stuff on any given day that it becomes troubled; and that once our minds become troubled and upset - our hearts become afraid. His peace is enough to calm both. I like that. If we can meditate more on the peace He gives which far surpasses the "peace" the world can give maybe we can crowd out all the hyper thoughts that go through our minds as the day works itself out. I think I'll try that.

Today I will meditate on the peace that comes from knowing Him. I will let His peace rule in my heart and mind. I will try to think about Him and the peace He gives so much it crowds out all the other crazy thoughts. Will you join me.

Did You Hear That?

As if the life of a caregiver didn't have enough daily ups and downs, it can seem like life just feels the need to throw a few more circumstances at us sometimes. Yesterday, my day had so many ups and downs my emotions were all drained out by evening. There was good: the mobility van was fixed and running. Then there was bad: now the lift is broke. Of course I had cancelled our ride arrangements for the next two days since I was getting the van back. So we are stuck at home again for a little bit. But such is a day.

Needless to say, today I feel the need to heed the words of Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God. It is difficult to be still when your thoughts are running all around in your head. So I am sipping my second cup of coffee and trying to get my head and my heart to slow down and take this day one second at a time instead of in a whole lump all at once.

I found myself in Psalm 143 during my devotions as I was trying to calm myself down to face the day. The psalmist starts out with a plea to God to:

Hear his prayer

Listen to his pleading

Answer his pleas for help

Caregivers can find themselves in situations where we just want God to hear us, listen to our hearts and answer us in His faithfulness. David goes on in this Psalm to explain what he is feeling at the moment:

My spirit is overwhelmed

My heart is desolate

My heart feels like fainting

He's crying out for answers and help in his situation. And the caregiver asks for nothing less. In verse 7, David says answer me quickly Lord, before my spirit fails. Who hasn't felt like that? Any number of situations can arise in a day of caregiving and we feel like we are just going to faint if God doesn't provide some answers. They don't even have to be the ones we want or like - but we just need some answers.

This morning as I was trying to slow my heart and mind down and absorb something from His word, my eye fell on verse 8. Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning. Can we hear mercy? Is His lovingkindness real enough to feel? Of course my head went off with tons of questions; but my thoughts ended up with the woman the Pharisees brought to the temple. You know, the one the leaders brought to Jesus to condemn? (John 8) 

They were saying she had been caught in sin and should be stoned. But Jesus did not condemn her. He asked the one without sin to throw the first stone at her; and they all just walked away. I wonder if she heard mercy that day? She certainly heard the hate and condemnation in the voices of the Pharisees. Today I need to hear mercy in His voice. While I'm going to guess that God does not fix vans or redeem us from every single situation we face as caregivers, I am going to lean on Him for direction and answers today. 

Today I will meditate on His great, endless mercy. I will purposefully lean in close to Him and listen for His heart beating for me. My thoughts will be on how He can bring peace into a tumultuous situation and calm the emotionally raging soul. And I will cling to His peace today. Will you join me?