When Life Conflicts with Faith

Do you ever feel like your life is in direct conflict with your faith? I have had those times when it sure seemed like it. I wonder if Paul felt that way when he was held captive because of his faith. Early on this caregiving journey I had to sort through a lot of those feelings and came to realize that my faith had to be redefined. I've talked about it a lot - how faith doesn't prevent "bad" things from happening - it's what carries us through. 
I think Paul was in one of those conflicting moments as he penned 2 Corinthians. Some days I totally relate to chapter 7 where he says they experienced conflicts without and fears within. 

Actually, that sums up many days as a caregiver. I have battled so many fears in my thoughts. We've discussed some of them like what does the future look like? Will I be able to care for my loved one as I get older? How long can I physically provide for my son? What happens if I get sick, hurt, ect.? These thoughts can run rampant in my mind and I have to settle myself down occasionally and remind myself to just deal with today.  That's just the "fears within" part!

What about the "conflicts without" part? To many our lives may look like they are not faith filled. At first I felt so defeated by my circumstances and the fact that this tragedy ever occurred. I thought if I had enough faith I wouldn't be in this - or it would have never happened. And of course along the way, well meaning church folk have made comments that try to reinforce those thoughts. But it's simply not true. And I won't go off on that - but if faith kept us out of troubles - we would not even have most of the Bible we love, respect and enjoy today. There would be no faith-building stories - no lion's den, no crossing of the Red Sea, no fiery furnace, and Jesus would have never faced the cross!

Back to 2 Corinthians where Paul is open and frank about fears and conflicts. He soon follows it with this in verse 6 But God, who comforts the depressed.... Now I have to admit I have battled depression and I think it's a common struggle for many caregivers. While I can appreciate that fact - I think there's another way to look at it. What if depressed actually could be translated humble?

What if it's really just a matter of us taking our whole being before the God we serve, dumping it all at His feet and pouring out our hearts before Him with an - I can't handle this alone attitude? I think that then, and only then can He step in and fill up the gaps in our lives. Once we lay aside our pride and acknowledge that we really cannot walk this road without Him - He steps in. We have to be humble enough to present ourselves to Him. This can be difficult for the caregiver. We are so used to being "all that" - you know? It can be hard for us to acknowledge we need help - we psyche ourselves up by telling ourselves we can do this - we can handle it.....then we forget - we need to take it to Him and let Him carry it for us. A life that is in constant conflict with our faith - that's what we live.

But once we give our all to Him (on a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute basis) He brings in the comfort we need. When we empty our hands and hearts for just a moment- and humble ourselves before Him, He fills us with the grace we need to make the day. The conflict is erased and we have comfort and peace.

Today I am going to purposefully pour it all out before Him. I'm not going to hold any tiny spot back for me to handle on my own - I'm going to meditate on being truly humble before Him. My thoughts will be on the comfort He provides and I will work on lining my life up with true faith - the faith that says He will remain with me in the fire, in the storm. I will think about the truth that He doesn't not go into "overload" like I do - and He won't shut down on me! I will purposefully turn my heart to trust Him more. Will you join me?

Just Keepin' it Honest

We seem to get used to the way the psalms are frank and honest about emotions and feelings. Somehow it's perfectly okay for a psalmist to say they were overwhelmed, feeling oppressed or forgotten and generally without hope. I find myself in the psalms a lot just because of the openness about emotions. But I really didn't expect it from Paul!
Over the weekend I read 2 Corinthians and just let it soak in. One thing that really stuck out this time was how open and honest Paul was about his feelings.

In the eighth verse of chapter one, Paul uses three phrases to describe their "affliction" while they were in Asia:

burdened excessively

beyond our strength

despaired even of life

While our days as caregivers are challenging, and that's putting it mildly - I don't normally have all three of these feelings at one time. Oh, trust me, there are those times when we are totally overwhelmed and we feel these three and can add some more to the list! 

I guess it just surprised me that God allowed this kind of language in the Bible. I am saying that facetiously of course as we actually see it throughout. It's just that the faith-ers have forbidden this kind of honesty about what we really  feel. We are not allowed to say these and others like what we see in the psalms particularly because it's a lack of faith. But somehow - lying about how we feel demonstrates faith? I get confused! lol

For over seven years now I've been riding the emotional roller coaster called Caregiving. I have learned the best way to battle all the crazy emotions is to be totally and brutally honest about how I really feel. I cannot deal with anything I will not acknowledge. It's not lack of faith to state how we feel on any given day - when presenting it to God - it's actually total trust. 

Most of us have encountered "church people" who condemn our thoughts - which we must often work through to find a resolve. We are not allowed to say things like:

I'm really discouraged right now

This is so frustrating

I'm so tired I can't even think

I feel hopeless 

I am at a loss

My life is a shambles

I can't go on...

There are so many things we really cannot express without having it thrown back in our face by people who don't even have a clue. And of course, some of our thoughts cannot be shared out of fear someone will think we are unable to take care of our loved ones. People might think we were really crazy if they heard all our thoughts - or maybe that's just me!

But here we have Paul just laying out there - open and honest about how he felt when they were in Asia. He goes on to thank the Corinthian saints for joining them and for helping them through prayers. I can say there have been times when I knew someone was praying for us and that was what was carrying me through. 

It's okay to say how we feel. I absolutely think God is okay with our honesty and despises our lack of it. His shoulders are big enough to carry our true thoughts and His heart is big enough to allow us to work through them as we figure out our own crazy emotions. And I really think He prefers an honest heart over one that is trying to hide its true feelings. Even Jesus said in Matthew 26:38 - My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; and in the next verse He said Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from me. It's no sin to be honest. It's a sign of absolute trust.

While we can't tell other people how we really feel, we can tell God. He does not condemn. He does not detest or despise us - He accepts us. I think He understands. And even though He doesn't always change the circumstances, He continues to walk with us through them. He continues to hold our hands and our hearts in His as we navigate our way through caregiving. 

Today I'm going to meditate on His total acceptance of who I am and where I am on this journey of life. My thoughts will be on the fact that He is with me - as crazy as I can be - and He's as committed to the journey as I am to the caregiving journey; and He's got no plans of leaving me...ever! I'm going to rest in the fact that He's content to stay by my side when many have walked away - and I'm just going to lean in to Him just a little closer today and let my heart rest in the fact that He's still there. Will you join me?

Living in the Land of Giants

One thing I try to guard against is negativity. We know as caregivers, some days are more difficult than others - but every day is a challenge. It's like we don't have just one Goliath story - we have several of them and sometimes more than one giant to take out every single day - as if we were living in the land of giants. 

After 7 years I have grown somewhat accustomed to this new normal. I'm not so self conscious about taking Chris out - even feeding him in public is becoming easier. I hate to admit it - but I will to you - but I have all these pre-prepared speeches ready to go if anyone dares to say a word! lol

Even though we can battle constantly with "negative" emotions like frustrations or depression - it's not like we are all wallowing around crying and moaning about our situations all the time. Yes, we have a very different  life than most others. And for those of us who can take our loved ones and get out more - it's just not the same. It's taken me 2 years to be able to plan outings time wise. I learned how to allow time for getting Chris in the van and his chair strapped in properly - then of course time for taking him out once we get where we are going -- these types of things are finally easier and manageable. But most  people do not have to think about that sort of thing. They don't have to worry about carrying extra rags around to keep drool cleaned up; or what you are going to do with that rag once it's soaked.... you know? It's a whole different set of challenges from here -- and I won't even mention those unspeakables we have to deal with on a daily basis... you know! I will just say we have a lot going on and unless someone rolls up there sleeves and marches into our worlds - they will never know! We face many giants every day....and we keep on moving.

Thinking about all we have gone through to get where we are - and all we have yet to go through to make it to the end of each day - we can use a little comfort. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 1:4 that God comforts us in all our affliction. And Paul would have a clue since he wrote 2 Corinthians in one of the darkest moments of his soul. This means God's got us covered and does not measure out just enough comfort for part of our struggles, but all. 

He goes on to say in verse 5: For just as the sufferings of Chris are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant in Christ. For me that says that there are equal measures - we get enough comfort to cover our affliction. It's kind of like His grace is sufficient - God knows how to measure out grace, comfort and peace so that they match whatever we are going through. When we have rougher days - He measures out more comfort to match it. He's not going to leave us hanging unbalanced with more affliction, trouble, frustration or anguish than we can handle. He will measure out the perfect amount of grace and comfort to cover us.

In my mind I see God sitting in the heavenlies holding a huge ladle. As He sees the worry-meter go up as we face today's giants, He just pours out more grace and comfort to match. There's no gap, no lack. So today I am going to meditate on this phrase: His grace is sufficient for me. It's sufficient for everyone else too - but I am going to keep my thoughts on the fact that He has the right amount of grace to help me make it from point A to point B today. My meditations will be on His comfort and how He is watching me closely in order to make sure it matches what I face today. To me - this means He is up-close-and-personal in my life and conscious of my every move and thought; and I will rest in that truth. Will you join me? 

Good Morning!

Today was one of those mornings when I woke up tired. I sat with coffee cup in hand and became even more tired just thinking about all that has to be done today and over the next few days. Caregiving alone can tax a body, you know? And then add in other issues that go along with life and it can be double overwhelming.

This morning I came across an old time favorite scripture found in Lamentations 3:22-23 which says: The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

One of my recurring thoughts about this scripture is that it's never morning for God. He lives in a perpetual state of day. There is no darkness in Him - no night. So how could His mercies be new every morning? We are the ones waking up to a new day - He remains constant. This can only mean that they are new for us - on purpose. On His purpose. He purposefully pushes the "refresh" key and holds it down so it's always being renewed. Why? Because He knows we need a fresh dose of mercy and lovingkindness to face each new day.

The other thing I always notice about this scripture is that lovingkindnesses -  is plural. It's not just lovingkindness that is new for each of our new days....it's a full package deal filled with everything we need to make it through our 24 hour slot. His compassions and lovingkindnesses will never fail - will never stop being enough - will never say "I give up." He just keeps pouring them out on us day after day, hour after hour, and moment after moment.


Today my meditation will be on the richness of his mercy which envelopes me on this journey. I will turn my thoughts to how His lovingkindness and compassion are carrying me. I will let His arms hold me up as I embark on a new day - empowered by Him. Will you join me?

He Knows

So much can happen in the day of a caregiver. Not only do we have all our regular tasks and chores necessary to taking care of our loved ones - we have life too. In some ways we are just like everybody else. We have bills to pay, errands to run, houses to clean, family situations to deal with and occasionally a friend or two to catch up with. But let one little thing get outta kilter and boy is it more than chaotic. (Maybe that's just me! smile)

The thing is for caregivers that many of the "normal" occurrences of life are on top of an already heavy load. Aging parents, sick relatives, other tragedies and stuff.... life...still happens. It doesn't stop just because we are caregivers. It can be overwhelming sometimes. It is important to note though - that good things happen too - we still have grandchildren, a phone call from an old friend, unexpected gifts or even the kindness of a stranger - can brighten our day too. The point is that life simply does not pause and wait for us....it continues on - with us.

Good and bad happen all the time in the world and maybe it's just me but I can be emotionally exhausted at any point during the day. Let's face it - caregivers live high octane lives. There is always something...isn't there? What would a real day off look like? Who would even know?

I was actually thinking about all of you yesterday and praying for those who have made contact with me through Facebook or this blog. All of our stories are similar and yet very different. No matter what our caregiving journey looks like it can wear away at our souls and we can get tired. As I was praying I just had this thought that God knows.

Now on one hand, just the fact that God knows is comforting. By my crazy mind says if God knows, why doesn't He do something? I meditated on that and mulled it around all day yesterday. And I'm okay with it today. There are several scriptures about God knowing exactly what we are facing here's a couple of them:

Psalm 44:21-For He knows the secrets of the heart

Jeremiah 12:3 - You know me Lord, You see me...

Luke 16:15 - but God knows your hearts

John 10:14 - "I know my own and My own know Me"

2 Timothy 2:19 - The Lord knows those who are His...

Somehow it was a comfort to me yesterday just to know that He knows all about my crazy life and thought processes. He knows the fears I have of the future, He knows when my days are overwhelming - and He knows that in my heart I trust Him even when I don't understand. He knows those days I never say a word but would really like to just give up and quit....does anyone relate?

He knows.....me.

He is fully aware of all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that lie in the deep recesses of my heart and mind....and He loves me anyway. It does not make Him repel me - it makes Him pull me close to Him. 

Today I will meditate on the truth that He sees my heart - and still chooses to hang around. I'll meditate on how He really does understand me - when I don't understand myself. I will turn my thoughts toward His heart which watches over mine... I will trust Him for one more day - I will rest in Him on purpose and I will remember to breathe. Will you join me?

Has God Changed?

I'm late getting today's devotion up because I'm doing double duty this week. My mom is here with me and my son since she can no longer stay by herself. The best thing my siblings and I could come up with was for her to stay here with me until my daddy returns from a funeral out of state.

At first I was a little stressed. As caregivers you know how full our days are and how much it takes to take care of one other whole person - but two? My mom is showing early signs of dementia and at least can take care of herself. So this morning I was a little more overwhelmed than usual and it took me a little while longer to get myself together.

It was time to get Chris up but he was sound asleep so I let him sleep, picked up my guitar and started playing along with my mom. We did tons of older hymns and choruses from days gone by. In the midst of the struggle I started thanking God for my heritage and history in Him.

What came to mind was Psalm 77. The psalmist starts out calling out to God in despair. In verse 7 he was asking if God had rejected him forever. And by verse 10, the writer asked if God had changed.  Will He ever look favorably on me again?  I love this psalm because these are the types of things I say when I am totally overwhelmed.

But in the next verse, the psalmist says that He is going to remember the things God had done in the past. I have a loooong list of things He's done in the past. And this morning for just a few minutes I took a little trip back down memory lane and it seemed to lighten the load of the day just a bit.

I'll be the first to admit that some days I'm so frustrated I don't care what He's done in the past - I need Him now!  Have you ever felt that way? But this morning I let the focus shift from my immediate need to review the journeys in life that He's carried me through. It was just enough for me to know He could carry me one more day.

Today I will turn my thoughts to the fact that He is carrying me through this part of the journey. Whatever comes He is with me and has not left me. His hand has not changed. His love for me has not changed no matter what a day looks like. And so for today I'm going to purposefully consider His ever abiding presence in my life - and I'll let Him carry me today. Will you join me?

A Different Kind of Finish Line

I've run quite a few races somewhere around 122 now over the 6 years since I started running. I've crossed every single finish line of every race I started. I've crossed some feeling like I could take on the world, and crossed some in so much pain I though I've never run again. Some races are good and some are endured. This photo is the first race I ever took my son to. I am working on being able to take him to more - just working out some chair issues.

I started running just after I became a caregiver as it was a way to work out frustrations and stress. No matter how I have crossed each finish line the point for me is that I've showed up - and kept going. I'm not fast but I don't have to be. I just have to be in the moment.

Here's why I was thinking about running this morning. My thoughts first started in Psalm 61 as it's my go-to psalm when I feel totally overwhelmed like I do today. My emotions are all over the place and my thoughts seem so random. Some of that is due to the holiday. I thought of all the people who don't have normal  Thanksgivings. Caregivers are one type of people  who find holidays less rewarding in many ways. But there are lots more out there who suffer through holidays such as families who just lost a loved one, those dealing with terminal illnesses, elderly with no family, single people who live in a "couples" world, etc. This list could go on forever - everyone doesn't have a picture perfect Thanksgiving.

I think what put me on overload was thinking about all I have to get done to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I still have my workload as I don't get actual days off;  and there's caregiving which never takes a break. These combined today and I just felt overwhelmed. So I ran to my favorite psalm for these types of days, Psalm 61. If I could loosely combine the New Living Translation and the Message's to form my own interpretation just for today it might read something like this:

Oh God! Listen to my cry and my prayer!

I am crying to you because my heart, mind and emotions 

are overwhelmed in this moment.

I am down to my last gasp of air -

but with it I cry out to You:

Lead me to the rock....

You alone are my safe place

You are my fortress

You have given me a lifetime pass to Your safe-house

You have offered me an open invitation to be Your guest.

You take me seriously, and welcome me 

as one who knows You and loves You...

So in this moment where I feel so fragile, I remind myself to run to Him. That's the finish line I am looking for today. This finish line ends with me calling it quits to my own way of dealing with emotions and the craziness of the day - and has me end up in His arms, in His safe house, where I am always welcome and have that lifetime pass. That's the finish line I'm looking for at the end of the day.

Today I'm going to try to calm my mind and heart down enough to hear Him breathe. I'm going to make it my goal to run to Him - and cross that finish line - the one that leads me to crawl up in His lap and allow Him to keep my soul safe. I'm going to run to Him  and not  away from Him today. And I'm going to listen for His heartbeat. I'll give Him all my anxiety and frustration and be thankful He is still with me - and waiting for me. Will you join me?