You'll Never Know

You'll never know when I look at my son and tears well up in my eyes.
You'll never know when I am overcome with grief over what was, what is, and what will never be.
But He does.

You'll never know how I have paced the floor in the midnight hour wondering... questioning.
You may never know how I've yelled and cussed at God - then ran into His arms.
But He does.

You'll never know the fear of getting older and not knowing who can take my spot.
You may not ever know how I trust God for each day, each moment and each breath.
But He does.

You'll never know of the times He has carried me, walked with me, dragged me through.
You may not realize my strength comes only from Him.
But He does.

You may never know the day-to-day grief over the loss of a son - who is gone - but still here.
You may not ever know how my heart aches and is overcome with grief.
But He does.

You may never know how one foot just keeps getting put in front of another.
You may not realize how painful it is to feed, change, provide care for a once independent adult child.
But He does.

You may never know the load of the caregiver, and how often I stumble underneath the weight.
You may never know the lonely road I must walk and I now embrace.
But He does.

You may never know how one memory can spark pleasure and depression in one fell swoop.
You might not realize how deep the hole depression digs and how hard it is to climb out.
But He does.

You'll never know of the nights I cry myself to sleep or lie awake.
You may never know how hard it is to do for my son the things he used to do for himself.
But He does.

You'll never know how a simple thing can send emotions off the edge.
You may never know how the "normal" things others enjoy can bring a sense of sadness and grief.
But He does.

You'll never know how my heart hurts and rejoices at each step of progress.
You may not know the difficulty of helping him take one little step, one more bite and knowing it's not enough.
But He does.

You'll never know how my heart cries out in the midst of the storm.
You may not know how I want to bring Him glory in the fire.
But He does.

You'll never know how difficult the battle against bitterness can be.
You may never know how tiring the struggle between faith and fear is.
But He does.

You may never know the nitty gritty details of my days.
You'll never know the depth of my faith and trust.
But He does.

In the Cave

Do you ever feel like you live in a cave? I do. the rest of the world has no idea it seems and it's easier for the most part to just stay tucked away. But you know what's awesome about that? God can reach us in our caves no matter how far back we try to stay. His love and mercy can touch our hearts no matter what.

I've been thinking about how to just quiet myself down a bit and hear Him more clearly. When you live in a cave it's surprising how loud your own thoughts can be. If we are not purposeful, they can drown out His voice. But trust me, He will still speak.

I've turned my thoughts to tuning in to Him more and closing out all the other voices. I think about Daniel who was taken captive and held against his will in a foreign land. He was forced to serve pagan kings. Yet he still heard and worshipped God.

Then there was Joseph. We talk about him being in prison all those years and forget that he was sold into slavery first. He spent many years as a slave. He was most likely mistreated, held against his will and served many masters. All that happened before he ever got to the false accusation and prison. But he still heard God.

I am determined to hear God in my cave. His voice can reach through life's bondages and touch our hearts still today. Psalm 46:10 says Be still and know I am God. And that's my plan for today. It's funny how sometimes it's not all the other voices drowning Him out, it's our own thoughts.

Today, I will take the time to quiet myself before Him and purposefully listen for His voice. The funny thing is - in the cave - His voice can reverberate until it fills the whole thing. I will quiet my soul no matter what it looks like or feels like. And I will wait for Him. Will you join me?

Long Way Around

I may take the long way around, but I always wind up back in His lap. I'm just so easily distracted. I can't blame that on caregiving either, I've been that way all my life. I have tons of energy for some reason (even with only one adrenal gland) and my mind is always on "go." It can lead me down wrong paths if I don't keep a constant guard on it.

I love Proverbs and it often has wisdom regarding not letting the heart, mouth and mind run off on their own. Wisdom tells us to guard all three of these things. That's what helps keep us on the straight and narrow. Proverbs is always a good reminder for me to get everything back in check.

This morning, I was in chapter 3. We are probably most familiar with verses 5 and 6 which say Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. But I found a little nugget before I got to those favorites.

In verse three, Solomon says this Do not let kindness and truth leave you. So I thought about that for awhile. Kindness is of course, important as it is outside of ourselves - it's how we treat others. No matter what we think about others, their personalities, jobs, choices or preferences in life - we should be kind. Even if they are NOT kind - we should pursue peace  - and be kind anyway. Kindness is an outward expression and affects others directly.

Then there is truth. I think it's more of an inward thing. We need to cling to truth - about others, ourselves and God. This time we live in it seems like people prefer to speak, live and believe lies far more than embracing truth. Solomon tells us here to not let truth leave us - to hold on to the truth with our hearts. Jesus said, I am the way, the truth and the life. We should hold on to Him first of all, embrace Him, cling to Him.

Then there's this. Since we are to embrace the truth, don't we need to believe what He said about us? Even when we don't feel it? Especially when we don't feel it! He calls us righteous, blessed, and beloved. I don't always feel it - but I need to always believe it.

He says we are His. He says we are highly favored. He says we can have an abundant life in Him - even from the caregiver's cave! And that's what I am going to choose to believe and cling to today.

Today, I will embrace the truth He says about me. I will shut down any lie that comes at me to try and convince me otherwise. My meditations will be on what HE says about me, not what I think about myself. I'll embrace the truth as I trust Him to carry me for one more day. Will you join me?

Forgotten Ones

 It's a horrible feeling to feel like you have been forgotten. In some ways, I can justify it to myself. I think about how young Chris was when his accident happened, and how young his friends were. It's difficult to visit with someone who doesn't visit back, I get that. I try to get it out of my mind that he has needed familiar voices to help remember things...but those voices don't come. Instead, there is silence. I've learned to dismiss it as everyone being so young and not having the life experience to deal.

Then I have my own feelings of being forgotten to deal with. Friends I thought I had have disappeared with no way to make new ones. I've actually resolved myself to online relationships. I'm okay with that. It makes it much easier to stay comfortable in my caregiver's cave. That one we are drawn to so often because of the social isolation. I mean, really, if there's no one there when I think I need someone, it's much easier to go to the back of the cave than deal with the rejection.

But then there is another level of those feelings of being forgotten. It feels like God has forgotten us. I know the drill. It starts with the word says..... but knowing that doesn't really ease the pain. I guess what eats at me is seeing others "get better" and I'm very happy for them. Honestly. But it's so easy to attribute the good things that happen in life to God (ie when we get what we wanted), and the bad things that happen to the devil (translated - the things we don't like or want).

I guess my question is this. When someone else says God healed or is healing their son's brain injury - then "God is so good" where does that leave me? God has not chosen to heal my son. Does that mean God isn't good? Or maybe it's just that He loves them better than me. For whatever reason, God let the wreck happen. For whatever reasons, sickness happens. For whatever reasons illnesses and death happen.

I feel forgotten. Looked over. Like God doesn't really interfere with life. But you know what, I am not alone.  Turns out I'm in some pretty good company. Job 19:14 says my family is gone and my close friends have forgotten me. Been there, done that. Right now family is more present, but there were some days in between when I was all alone.

In Psalm 42:9, David cries out, O God my rock, why have You forgotten me? Must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies? In Psalm 77:9 the psalmist asks, Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has He slammed the door on His compassion? It's not just David though, in Isaiah 49:19, the prophet says, Yet Jerusalem says, the Lord has deserted us, the Lord has forgotten us.

At first, I was like - see, I'm not the only one God has forgotten, or at least not the only one who ever felt that way. My feelings of loneliness, abandonment and of being looked over by God were justified. But then I'm just hanging there, with nothing to grab on to. So, I went back to see what was said next in each of these passages.

In Job 19, he describes how alone he was and how loathed he was by friends and family. (We are not always loathed - people just don't know what to do with us!) But then Job says I know my Redeemer lives. In spite of his feelings. In spite of the aloneness, he knew that he knew that he knew his Redeemer lives. He said even after my skin is destroyed - I will see Him.

In Psalm 42, David pours out how he felt forgotten by God, overcome with grief and oppressed. Sounds like what we deal with from time to time. Day to day. Minute to minute. But then, he goes on to say why are you in despair, my soul? He states he will trust in God - no matter how it feels. He will still praise God. No matter how he feels. He will still look to God for help - no matter how he feels.

Psalm 77 has been one I've gone to frequently when I don't see God doing anything. In verse 9, Asaph says God has forgotten to be gracious. But he follows it up with - (not KJV) fine then. If I don't see Him doing anything right now, I'll just remind myself of what he has done before.

I find comfort in these scriptures today. First, in that I am not the first, nor will I be the last to feel forgotten by people and God. There's no condemnation. It's just how I feel. Secondly, in the fact that in each of these instances they had a big "but." They were open and honest about how they felt - but they didn't leave it there. I feel forgotten - but my Redeemer lives! I feel alone - but I will trust. I feel like God is not doing anything - but I will remember what He's already done.

Today, I will recall all the times He has walked with me through the storm. I'll meditate on the times He walked through the fire with me, and think about the times He's had to carry me when I didn't have the strength to go on. I will declare - My Redeemer lives! No matter what I feel, what I see with my eyes or hear with my ears - He lives. And I will trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Choosing Contentment

Life can change on a dime. I have no idea where that expression comes from, but I know it's true. This weekend I was made aware of some major changes coming my way. It's just life, right? I found out a long time ago as I'm sure you did too, life doesn't stop for caregivers. We just have to keep on caregiving and take on anything else life throws our way. Seems like there oughta be a "hold" button somewhere. I don't need it for long typically, but just a give me a second to catch my breath button would be nice.

So my heart and mind were full as I got up and started getting around. I usually get Chris' bolus together, start my coffee and then while it is making I take care of him. My mind was going through all the things I need to handle today, my work schedule and many other things. As usual, my thoughts became my prayers as I mentally walked through my responsibilities. I sighed. Then I made a choice.

I decided to be content with life right where I am, with what I have, with Him. The sense of peace that overcame me was amazing - I have no words to describe it really.

So, I grabbed my coffee and sat down with my Bible and turned to 1 Timothy 6:6. It's a familiar scripture and I remembered it as saying godliness with contentment is great gain. I read it a couple of times and thought about contentment. We seem to live in a world with lots of dis-contentment. We are not happy with anything, can't settle down, can't rest - restlessness abounds.

I turned my thoughts to my own situation and wondered if I could really just be content. Then I thought about what Paul had said in Philippians 4:11 - I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. And we know he wasn't always in the most pleasant circumstances.

As I continued exploring this choice of being content I realized I was sensing the peace beyond understanding that Paul mentioned earlier in Philippians 4:7. I read that scripture, then backed up to verse 6. Be anxious for nothing,  but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Those are some big superlatives right there - nothing and everything. And once again, there are no exclusionary statements. Maybe that is the key to contentment - giving it all to Him. Taking our hands off and waiting on Him. Doing what we must - and letting Him do the most. When we choose to be content, stop wrestling, stop arguing with life, stop whining (I do that a lot!), and choose to be content - He fills us up with this amazing peace. He really is wonderful - and I really am slow! lol

Today, I will make it my focus to be content in Him and with Him alone. My thoughts will be on how He amazingly fills me with peace when I bring it all to His feet and leave it there. I'll meditate on being able to do all things through Him who strengthens me. I will rest in Him, wait for Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

A Humble Walk

We have a humbling job in caregiving. We don't often talk about some of the baser things we have to deal with. It's obviously not acceptable on a social level, and seriously, how would those sorts of things work into a conversation? lol When most people see us, we're all cleaned up, dressed up and presentable. There are very few people who see us up walking the floor at night, carrying out the odorous trash bags, ordering incontinence supplies and all the little nitty-gritty things that go into just one of our days. I've yet to have anyone take me up on walking through a day with me from start to finish. Finish? What's that?

 We truly want to protect the dignity of our loved ones, so there are some things, they may never know. It can be very humbling to take care of a whole person. It's also an honor, but when I am taking care of some of the more personal stuff, my thoughts can go crazy. Here I am doing this, and I thought I was called to the mission field. Smh. I think about how I used to lead worship. Is this where God wants me?  I taught Bible classes (still do online). I think I was way off about what God called me to do. These are just a few of the thoughts running through my mind while doing some caregiving tasks.

Don't get me wrong - I don't want to be anywhere else. I don't want to leave my son. He is my priority mission and ministry right now. And I am okay with that. I just didn't see this coming. The future looked a lot different in my head 11 years ago. I was going to reach retirement age and travel around the world. Actually, I was scheduled to go to Africa in January '09 when the wreck occurred in November '08. It took me awhile to be "okay" with that. Again, it was humbling.

Sometimes life BC (before caregiving) or during caregiving, just doesn't make sense. We may never know the "why" behind things that happen in life. And maybe someday it will all make sense. whether or not it ever makes sense, we have lots of choices to make. I find myself making them over and over every single day it seems. Some days are it's-all-in-your-face days and I find myself choosing between anger and peace, between frustration and joy, between ranting and praying.

Lately, I've been studying about walking humbly with God. (Micah 6:8) And this morning I fell into Psalm 25:9. He leads the humble in what is right, teaching them His way. (NLT,1996) The journey really is much easier if we walk humbly before Him. While our circumstances bring about a humility, the one we choose gets us closer to Him. I can choose to rant and rave - and you guys know I do that from time to time - but it doesn't move Him near like coming before Him in humility and acknowledging, Lord, I am still Your child. I'm still Your servant. I am still a worshipper. That's when He begins to move heaven on our behalf.

Circumstances and situations may or may not change, but walking in humility before Him means we are still pliable, moldable in His hands. I still want to learn His ways, whether or not I ever understand life's struggles. I want to know more about Him period. Choosing humility will keep us teachable, and boy do I have a lot to learn!

Today, I will continue thinking about what it means to humble myself before Him, what it means to be pliable in His hand and remain teachable. I'm also going to think about ways and areas where I haven't exhibited humility - I want to address those areas because I want to be solely His. I'll concentrate on humbling myself before Him in prayer, in worship, in study, in attitude (it might be a long day.. lol). And I will humble myself to trust Him for today. Will you join me?

Leave it There

Chris and I made the trip up to Guthrie this week to see my mom again. One of my sisters was there and so was daddy for a little bit. My mom is losing it a little more all the time, but she seems pleasant. She also still remembers all of us. My sister showed her a picture one of our longtime family friends posted on Facebook this week. It is of many of the old-timers who were the prayer warriors at the church we grew up in. Mama named everyone one of them! It's funny what she remembers and what she doesn't. It's like her head is running around in all her old memories and randomly pulling them out one by one. I'm thankful she has good memories for her head to get lost in.

I don't think this trip was as emotional for me, so maybe I'm adjusting. It does help to see her happy. Who'd have thought she would love bingo though?

As I was driving home, I was thinking about these ladies who led the way for us. They taught my mama how to pray and she taught me. Maybe I learned more from watching her take everything to Him in prayer... and leave it there. I remember those old school prayer meetings - these women could pray the house down for sure. I was so curious as a small child and I remember specifically being at Virgie's house and all of them in there praying. I would stand at the old screen door and cup my hands so I could see in better. I'd stand and watch for what seemed like hours. I didn't know it was training. lol

BC (before caregiving) I learned how to pray. But during caregiving, I've learned more of the leave it there part. There are times we pray but don't feel a thing and don't see any change. But we know through faith we can take our burdens to Him. He'll take them so we don't have to carry them. That can actually be difficult for caregivers. Our situations often push us to do things outside our comfort zones, things unfamiliar and difficult. But we press through. We are forced to be independent - ain't no one else gonna do it, right? We roll up our sleeves and tackle many uncomfortable and hard situations. But leaving it there - letting God have our cares, our worries, our struggles, our insecurities, is really the hard part sometimes.

1 Peter 5:7 comes to mind. Casting all your care on Him for He cares for you. That is very difficult for most caregivers. You don't often find us asking for help. We are so used to being in I'll do it myself mode - because we have to be if things are going to get done - giving Him anything at all feels like losing control. Maybe that act of taking our cares and concerns to Him and leaving them there - with Him - is what we need. It puts Him back in control - let Him care for us. I've said that before - He is the caregiver's caregiver. Let's let Him carry us. Let's let Him carry our heavy burdens and deepest concerns. His shoulders are big enough - and He doesn't get tired! Ever.

Today I will be thinking about how to cast my "anxious thoughts" over to Him. My efforts will be in letting go of them and letting Him handle them for me. I'll be taking my thoughts, worries, concerns, anxieties to Him and casting them in His lap and leaving them there. I'll meditate on how He is my caregiver - He cares for me. I will trust Him - with me. Will you join me?