Non Essential

This pandemic hasn't been easy on anyone no matter where you stand on the issue. It's difficult for those on the front lines, without a doubt. It's hard for those who are working, those out of work and those hanging in between in uncertainty. At first, I was a bit amused that so many were having to learn about the social isolation many of us as caregivers are accustomed to. the world responded and it was nice to have access for a brief time to so many Bible studies, teachings, and classes all online. We could finally be a part, right?

But then it seemed to me as if we got pushed further to the back if that was possible. I have to admit I was a little offended but got over it quickly. We've been isolated for years and many of the churches haven't offered an online presence until they needed it. I admit I felt slighted a bit. I translated that as we were not worth the effort. I'm sure no one meant it that way at all - but that's how I interpreted it. And then when we did meet the talk was all about how fast they could get back to their "normal" with no regard for those of us who won't be able to transition back. I felt discarded.

Then, I'm trying to buy common supplies. You know the stuff we need every single month and will continue to need forever once the pandemic has run its course. I needed adult wipes and gloves and they were nowhere to be found. Oh yeah, I'm non-essential. Now I am not minimizing the need of those on the front lines - I do understand that. But I literally cannot find gloves or order them online. This deepened the sense that I am disposable and unimportant in the scheme of things.

My emotions were collapsing and I was being sucked down into the vacuum of despair as if I no longer existed. I struggled with thoughts like I am not important and no one cares. Loneliness swept over my soul until I could not breathe or feel anymore. I honestly hope you don't understand.

Then I thought about David when he came back to Ziklag. He was in that sort of despair. He was battle-worn (can we relate?), he was tired (relate?), then he suffers the loss of his wives and children who have been taken captive, the town has been burned to the ground and to add to his despair - his fellow soldiers blame him for the whole thing. He had to suffer that deep lonely feeling we understand too well.

But David didn't wallow in it like I do. (insert smile) After the men wept until they could weep no more (NLT), it says he encouraged himself in the Lord. Then he prayed. I wonder how he encouraged himself. Did he sing a psalm he wrote? Did he think back to the ways God had blessed him in the past? I wish I had more details. But I know where I can start.

First, I will find something to be grateful for and I'll thank God for as many things tangible and intangible that I can think of. I'll start with grace, His love, and salvation and build out from there. While I already feel better, I will continue to build on that foundation. Then, I will praise God because my lowly circumstances do not change Him one iota. Not one thing shifted in His kingdom when the bottom fell out of my world. I'll put my focus on the things about God that do not change. That will be my praise and my meditation today. Will you join me?

Not Okay

One thing I enjoy about reading the psalms is the open transparency of the writers. They just lay it all out there - no matter what it is they are thinking or feeling. They have lots of questions for God and they are not afraid to ask them.

I was raised in a time that forbid us to ask our questions. We were supposed to just muddle ahead no matter what we thought. Questions were taboo - especially if the preacher didn't have an answer to thinks that didn't make sense. Well you know what? Life just doesn't always make sense, does it?

I am sure it didn't make sense to Moses to bring the children of Israel out of Egypt and run smack dab into the Red Sea! I'm sure it didn't make sense to Joseph to have dreams given by God in his youth only to end up as a slave for all those years. Things do not always make sense to us because we cannot see past our present circumstances.

I was reading in Psalm 34 this morning about God's deliverance. The psalmist says many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers them out of them all.  My honest thought was, "He has not delivered me." You know? I kept thinking when Chris first had his wreck that God was going to come riding through on His white horse and whisk us away in a sea of healing and restoration. Well, obviously that isn't going to happen. I wonder if Joseph ever wondered about God's deliverance all those years. He couldn't have written a better script himself, huh?

So then, I had to turn to Psalm 77. Asaph is the psalmist this time and he's sharing his not okays with the reader. He goes so far to say, I'm so distressed even to pray! He is mourning his past and feels like God has rejected. In verse 7, Asaph says, Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will He never be kind to me? ...Have His promises permanently failed? The faith-ers don't like those questions. Because they have no answers to them. But they are real and they are heartfelt.

But down in verse 11 Asaph gives himself the answer. He says even if I'm not seeing God move now - even if I'm not seeing Him bring the deliverance I wanted - I will recall all you have done. So, even if we cannot see God working right here, right now. We can encourage ourselves with those things we have seen Him do in the past.

Today, I will make a list of the ways He has delivered me in the past. I'll thank Him for those known healings. For those times He has provided direction, wisdom, and guidance through the Holy Spirit. I'll meditate on the things I have seen Him do before today - before I became "not okay." These will be my meditation and I will remind myself of all His mighty works. Then, I'll rest in Him and trust Him with just today. Will you join me?

Square One

Life has a way of humbling us, doesn't it? Just about the time we start getting things together, it can all fall apart. For me, it's usually a long sleepiness night or two or three in a row that kicks me in the gut. It's in those midnight hours that I cry out to God and honestly wonder where He went and if He even hears. My thoughts go so far as to wonder if He hears does He care?

I consider myself a mature Christian, I write Bible study guides and devotionals for crying out loud. But when I am up all night with Chris struggling to breathe and I've used all the asthma medications and strategies I have - it wears on the soul. That's what it is that takes me back to square one. What is it for you?

Maybe it's those moments when your mom no longer remembers who you are. Or you finally get to FaceTime with her and she won't even wake up enough to say "hi." (That happened to me yesterday.) No one ever said caregiving would be easy. If they did, it's safe to call them a liar. lol. But it certainly strains every one of my faith muscles.

But it's always short-lived no matter how gut-wrenching the midnight hours become. I do a live devotion on Facebook each morning and I opened my Bible to prepare for it after listening to Chris cough most of the night last night. My Bible fell open to Psalm 62 and my eyes landed on verse 5. My soul wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. My soul nodded in agreement.

I continue to read on through verse eight where the psalmist says pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge or us. I'm reminded that it's okay to tell God exactly what you think and how you feel. It's not like it surprises Him anyway. And there He was once again - meeting me at square one.

When I feel totally faithless - He shows up. He doesn't wait for me to get my faith filled back up to a religiously-appropriate level. He meets me right where I am the weakest and reminds me that He is still my rock. He is still my hope. He is still my refuge. I can trust Him.

Today, I will be thankful that He patiently meets me at square one when I find myself there. He does not throw judgment my way- instead, He just reminds me that He is there too. He is so faith-full.

That's Mine

This morning I was reading through Philippians. There were actually several things that stood out to me. I'll try not to unload them all here today. Lol. I read Paul's heartfelt prayers for the Philippian Christians and the way he encouraged them to stand in their faith.

As I read Pual's encouraging words I kept thinking this thought over and over. That's still for me! In the first chapter, Paul explains that God,  who had started a good work in them - would complete it. We can claim that. It's still ours and becoming a caregiver or a caregiver doesn't change it a bit! He's still working in us. Our situation doesn't dictate to God - He dictates to our situation.

Later in chapter one, the apostle encourages the new believers to continue striving for the gospel. That still applies. We see people online and off who still need to hear that God loves them and that He longs for a relationship with them. We are still carriers of the good news. Our circumstances are not strong enough to erase the message of love He has toward us and all mankind.

In chapter 2, Paul speaks to the Christian community in Philippi and says It is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. He's still working in us! He still takes pleasure in our growth as we learn to trust Him more. Our present standing in this world is not strong enough or bad enough to take away His works in our lives. He continues to work toward revealing His glory in and through us.

Today, I encourage you to read Philippians again - with new eyes and with a heart that continues to say That's mine - and that's mine too! God has not changed His mind about you! He has not changed His will about you. He didn't give up when life got ugly. He didn't say "never mind" when we got confused. His love is still toward us and He longs to fellowship with our hearts. I will make a moment today to be quiet before Him and acknowledge that He is still on the throne of my heart - and I'll be thankful He didn't move out when the road got rocky! Will you join me?

In the Wilderness

In preparation for a session I'm doing tomorrow, I studied one of my favorite psalms this morning. You know what's so cool? The word of God is alive  - it never changes but always reached into whatever state we are and brings new life. I've read Psalm 29 thousands of times. I've taught from it. But here I am looking at it with new eyes. We change - the word doesn't. But it miraculously reaches into our situations time and time again to bring new insights for us. 

So in verse 8, David says the voice of the Lord shakes the wilderness. I am the first to say that it doesn't sound pleasant. It sounds a bit scary really. But there are two significant things that will help change our perspectives. The first thing I want to think about is the term wilderness. Before I started hiking I assumed a wilderness was a dry, barren desert region. This is absolutely not so. Living in Lousiana gave me access to the Kistachie Wilderness area. As I drove there the first time I wondered how it would all turn to desert. What I found was a mountainous region beaming with plants and animals of all kinds. It wasn't barren at all - just undeveloped and mostly untouched by man. 

As caregivers, we can feel like we are in a desert area - no life, no water. Or we may feel we are in a wilderness with life all around us but people are missing. It's a lonely place, the wilderness. But there is life there. There are water and food available. It's rugged and rough but we can keep moving through it. It's not a pleasant place - but we survive day after day.

Now let's look at the word "shake." It may seem like it has a negative connotation to it. But when you look it up in the original, it can mean to bring to birth. Wait. We're talking about the wilderness  - dry and deserted. A lonely place it is. We can't do much but survive - and survive we do! When God shakes our wilderness, it brings forth life. That's right - smack dab in the middle of the most difficult seasons of our lives - He brings birth. 

Today, I will wait for Him to birth life in the seemingly dead areas of my life. I'll wait for His breath to breathe life into my tired soul. Isn't that amazing? He is the author of life - and He'll share it with me to make sure I survive the wildernesses of life. I'm going to watch for His touch today and see how He brings life into my situations. I'll trust Him for breath today. Will you join me?

Sleepless Nights

This morning, as I was studying the Bible and reading some familiar passages, I landed in Psalm 121. It's an all-time favorite and I made the first verse or two into a song during the three weeks I lived in the ICU waiting room hoping my son would wake up. This first verse speaks of God being our helper and how the psalmist was looking to Him alone for help. It's not the aides, though a good one can be helpful. It's not the doctors or nurses, although they are an integral part of a good care team. But it is the Lord who is our helper - help, especially for our souls, comes solely from Him.

That's something to hold onto to encourage our hearts on a day to day basis, for sure! But today, my thoughts settled on verse 4. He who keeps you will not slumber, behold He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. Now, as a caregiver, you can understand how important the commodity of sleep is. Personally, sometimes I get a decent 6 hours of sleep, but there are many sleepless nights. I get grumpy if I don't get enough sleep even though I don't need as much as others. :-)

God, the ultimate caregiver, doesn't even need to sleep. That means He can keep a constant watch over us day and night. He doesn't take breaks. He doesn't take vacations, and He simply doesn't sleep. His watchful eye is always on us. The KJV says in Psalm 127:2 that the Lord gives to His beloved even in their sleep. I like that.

I love that God doesn't have to rest from being with me. Like a watchful father, He seizes those precious moments like a parent watching a child sleep. Did you ever watch your kid sleep? They seem so precious and innocent. You want to just scoop them up - but don't dare risk waking them, of course! So, you just stand there and watch them breathe.

God watches over us whether we are sleeping or waking and He never takes a break. Sometimes I have fallen into a dead sleep out of sheer exhaustion. Caregivers do that a lot I found out. But God doesn't do that. He sees us in those most exhausted states and extends His grace to us over and over again.

Today, I will be thankful that God continues to watch over us and He never takes a break. My thoughts will be on how He enjoys just watching us breathe. I'll meditate on His nearness and declare with the psalmist that the nearness of God is my good. And I will trust Him for just one more day. Will you join me?

Grandma's Poem

We've all had to make some adjustments during this pandemic. One thing I am grateful for is having my son home with me.  My aunt is in one nursing facility and my mom in another. Fortunately, both nursing homes have been proactive about connecting residents with their loved ones via technology. I can call and Facetime with my mom and I can send a message to skype with my aunt. I try to visit with each of them at least once a week. Monday, I talked with my aunt for a bit. Today, I got to visit with my mom. 

Mama doesn't talk much anymore. She will answer questions, mostly "yes" or "no" questions. She giggles a lot and cries when I call. The calls don't last too long as there isn't a whole lot to talk about with them. But today I decided to read mama one of my grandma's poems. (Her mother.) She seemed to really respond and acted like she enjoyed it. 

As I was reading it, I thought about how appropriate it is today. My grandmother wrote it years, decades, ago as a song. But I'll type it here as a poem - I hope you enjoy it!

Well my way was hedged and thorny

and I could not see outside.

I could not feel His presence

no matter how I tried.

So I raised my eyes to Jesus 

and though I could not see;

I held on to His promise

and claimed the victory.

Well He heard my feeble effort

tho He knew my faith was dim,

But He honored just that little

that He knew I had in Him.

And He lit my lamp in darkness,

and saved me from a fall 

We smashed a troup together

by faith, we leaped a wall.

Well I stumbled on a secret

and I think I learned it well

when you lift your voice in praises

you can shake the gates of hell.

It is the Lord's to battle, so when I found that out

I let Him do the fighting,

and I just cheer and shout.