Not Strong Enough

 Do you ever have people compliment you by telling you how strong you are? Occassionally, it happens to me. I try to  be gracious and thank them for their kind words. But inside, I feel oh so weak.As survivors and overcomes of the many obstacles of life, we may look strong. We may also catch some flack for being so independent. But when people don't show up for us, and that happens a lot for caregivers, we learn to kick into survival mode and I can do it myself mode, right? Then they say - you are so strong. I'm like, yeah, right - it's because I have to be.

Experience Speaks Loudly

One time early on in my caregiving journey, I had two routes for my son's future treatment. I called together those who I thought were going to be helpful in his care, as I needed some input. After I explained the options, they both just shrugged their shoulders and said basically, "it's on you, so do what you feel best." I was deflated and disappointed. I trudged forward.

Isn't that what we do a lot? We keep putting one foot in front of the other relying on God to be there for each step. No wonder David said in Psalm 119:105, Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path. We may not be all that strong, but we are strong enough to wait for Him to illuminate our paths so we can take one more step. Sometimes, it seems like God is our only helper (not that that is all bad), because no one else is there for us.

But then... there's grace.

We can count on His grace to carry us through each day on the days we just can't take it and the days we think we've got it all handled. He's always there to help us along the caregiving path. I can say with no reservation that it is His strength that carries me from one day into the next. He's always provided, even when it seemed there was literally no way to make it. He's always lit my path, even when it was so dark I couldn't see. And on those days when I think surely my soul is going to take it's last breath, He is right there to carry, console, comfort, and care for my soul. Man, He's good isn't He?

Being weak is not a bad thing when you land in the hands of the God of creation.Feeling dazed and confused is not to be feared when God's wisdom is just a prayer away. Being on the proverbial edge is not so bad when you know you're going to fall into the hands of an alert God who is paying attention to every single detail of your life.

Just for Today.

Today, I'll remind myself that God is right here - no matter where my "here" is. I'll comfort my soul by assuring myself that He's got me. He won't let me fall or fail. I'll meditate on His eternal presence in my life - and remind myself that He is here by choice, not because I am strong, but because I am weak. I will rejoice knowing that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)So, I'll just be content and set back and watch Him flex His muscles as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Sifter

 Do you ever feel like you're living life in the sifter? You know the one - where Jesus told Peter that Satan had asked to sift him like wheat. Then, Jesus prayed that Peter's faith wouldn't fail? I always wondered why Jesus didn't pray that Peter wouldn't have to go through all that. Why didn't He pray that Peter would just be strong - but isn't it the sifting trials in our lives that build our faith in God? Maybe they are responsible for making us lean in to Him a little more closely.

This morning, I found another scripture like that. It's in John 17:15. It's Jesus' final prayer before He heads to the cross. He prayed, I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one. (NKJV) Sifting is going to happen, and we don't even get an exemption card as caregivers. Sometimes, it's the caregving that acts as a sifter, trying our faith.

Hard things are going to come our way, that's a given. But the One who keeps us remains with us through them all. As caregivers, we deal with grief, loss, and tons of other emotional baggage that we have to work through on a daily basis. We can trust that God has our back, our front, and our in-betweens. He gives us peace, comfort, and even joy, right in the midst of our struggles. He may not lift our troubles away, but He lifts us in the middle of them all. No where in the Bible do we see God making the path easy for those walking through time. Instead, He walked with them, just like He walks with us. 

Oh, do I wish sometimes that He would just remove the sifter! Just remove the hard parts, please! But even if He did - there'd be more hard parts down the road. They are what He uses to shape our faith, much like Peter's. But Peter wasn't perfect, even though Jesus Himself prayed for him. Just a couple chapters further in John, we see Peter totally denying that he knew Jesus. And yet, Jesus prayed for Peter anyway. And ultimately, Peter stood. In faith. In Christ. He became a pillar of faith in the church as it unfolded over the next few years. There's hope for us too! 

The difficult things can shape our faith, if we let them. It's all about leaning into God rather than pulling away when the going gets tough. We can trust that He's got us in His hand - no matter what our world's look like. No matter what types of disarray we are dealing with - He's got it all under control. Trusting Him - well, that's as simple as faith gets.

Today, I will lean in to Him just a little closer. I see all the chaos and disarray in my world, and I know He sees it too. But He won't run away or turn away from the painting of my life that seems to have gone awry. Instead, if I let Him, He takes the brush and turns it into something beautiful, stunning me and the world who sees it.  So, today, I'm handing Him my brush, and I'll let Him paint while I ride out the sifter. I'll just trust Him - will you join me?

                                                                                                                                           

Songs in the Night

This morning, I read the story of Paul and Silas in the jail. The account is found in Acts 16. It describes how they were beaten and thrown into prison, not based on something wrong they did, but due to greed on someone else's part. In verse 25, it says that about midnight, Paul and Silas began to sing and pray. Now, my first thought in those midnight moments of my life is not always about singing or praising God. Of course, I had to wonder what in the world they were singing about.

No matter what the words were, no matter what they were singing, it was about God. And that's why they had songs in the night. When we find ourselves in tight spots, we can still sing about the goodness of God. Why? Because our circumstances didn't change His goodness. What we go through doesn't change His grace. His mercies are still new every morning - no matter what the morning brings.

I have to wonder how our situations might be changed, or at least our attitudes, if we sing about our unghanging God, even in dire circumstances. In Acts 16, God shook the place and their chains fell off while the doors swung open. But no one left. Maybe it was symbolic for us. When we praise God and acknowledge His unchanging love, patience, mercy, grace, and other attributes - what holds our souls in bondage falls off. We may not walk directly out of the circumstances that moment. But our souls are free no matter what we see.

In 2 Corinthians 4, Paul opens up about being hard-pressed, perplexed, persecuted, and struck down. In some ways, we can relate as caregivers. Life can have a way of dealing some hard blows. Sometimes, we don't even have time to react before we are dealt another blow. But we can continue to sing of the goodness of God, His rich mercy, and His all-sufficient grace right in the middle of our situations. We can sing about the light in our souls while sitting in the darkest night. And when we do - we find such freedom inside.

Today, I will meditate on the unchangeable attributes of God. I'll thank Him for His grace, mercy, and favor in my life. I'll remind myself that these things don't change, even when life changes. My thoughts will be on how God continues to carry me when needed. I'll remind myslef that He's walking through time with me - by His own choosing. Then, I will rest in the comfort of that thought as I trust Him for just one more day. Will you join me?

Small Stuff

I'm starting to think that there are no easy days for caregivers. Each day is somewhat mundane, doing the same tasks over and over and never really getting "done." But in the middle of that, we never know what kind of wrench may get thrown into the mix. A surprise doctor visit. A phone call in the night. Delayed shipments. A sudden fever. We never know what a day, or a long night, may bring. Keeping a positive outlook and fighting to keep our "heads above water" are two real things we face pretty much every day. Of course, that doesn't mean every day is bad. But most days are hard, even though we have our caregiving routine down to a T.

I am in a caregiver's group on Facebook, but I don't hang out there much. It is a safe place to vent and air out emotions. But it seems to get a bit whiny to me. I don't need that. When I share, I try to post positive things. As caregivers, we have so much on our plate, and it does get overwhelming. How do we keep a positive outlook when there are not a lot of positives? Celebrate the small stuff.

We spent four months in the hospital after my son's wreck. The days were uncertain, and somehow I hooked up with a few people online. A young man told me two things that I have continued to hold on to. First, he said that the doctors do not have the final say - God does. And secondly, he said, "progress is progress." No matter how small it seems, he suggested celebrating any progress or positive. I've done that to keep my head up for 14 years now. 

I may look silly to others, but "progress is progress" has become a caregiving mantra of mine. Add another layer to it by thanking God for all the positives. A thankful heart can't remain heavy. Some days, it's easier to find small victories to celebrate and be thankful for. Other days, I have to work really hard at finding them. But it's always worth the effort to be positive and thankful.

I encourage you to celebrate the small wins, the little positives, the good things today. If you are not sure where to start, begin with the basics. Be thankful God loves you and hasn't abandoned you. Celebrate the truth that He is with you in the middle of the storm, He doesn't abandon ship when the waters of life get rocky!

Today, I will look around for those small things to be thankful for. I'll choose to have a thankful heart and express my gratitude to God for every small victory, no matter how small it seems. Thanksgiving will be my focus today as I open up my heart to God and allow His peace to rule there. That's something to be thankful for - His ever-abiding peace. I'll thank Him for His peace and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

No Contingency Plans

 Here we are, making it day after day. One day we just look up and realize it's been years on this caregiving journey. We didn't plan for it. Didn't count on it. Had no expectation of it, but here we are, just relying on God from moment to moment to make it through each day. (Enter: big sigh.)

I don't even have the imaginative capacity to imagine what life might have been like without the hard left onto the caregiving road. I'd like to think I would have trusted God anyway. I'd like to think I'd have held onto Him and His promises with a grip just as tight. If nothing else, caregiving has taught me how much I need Him and how grateful I am that He chooses to walk the road with me instead of just waiting for me at the end.

I really don't have a contingency plan. There isn't any other hope, direction, or goal outside of trusting Him for each breath. And I'm not looking for one, either. I am so content that He's got me no matter what. I know I can run to Him with all my stuff in tow, and I will not be turned away. Nothing is too big, too bad, or too boring for Him to help me deal with. I remind myself that I have no contingency plan - I'll just continue to trust Him. But then, I remember that He doesn't have a contingency plan either! 

Since God doesn't have another plan, He will continue to carry, shield, comfort, and care for us. He's not looking for a second job. His grace is enough, and He doesn't need to call in any backup. He is the one consistency in a caregiver's world of crazy-all-over-the-place emotions and thoughts. And He's not going anywhere. I love that, don't you? I need that, do you?

Today, I'll remind myself that I haven't been crazy enough to run God off yet. (Smile) As crazy and goofy as my life and mind are - He has no backup plan. He is the plan! I'll lean into His heart a little more today and listen for it to beat for me. I'll trust that He's got this day taken care of for me, and I'll remind myself that He had today prepared for me while I was still in my yesterday. He wants to meet with my heart today. I intend to let Him do just that. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                                           

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Going Through

 This morning as I was reading, I found myself in Proverbs 12:13. It says, The wicked is ensnared by the transgression of his lips, but the righteous will come through trouble. (NKJ) I first noticed that it did not say that the righteous would be able to avoid trouble. Instead, it says - we'll come through it. No one is exempt from trouble. If we are breathing, we're going to go through stuff. However, through is the key word for me today.

I remember sitting with my Daddy, who was grieving over my mom. She was not herself, having some form of dementia. She remembered us for a long time but eventually did not. Daddy was crying and asking why this had to happen to such a beautiful person. I just cried with him because I had no answer. Caregivers are often in some stage of grief, whether we are grieving over the person we lost through death or the one who is slowly fading away. Some of us grieve for the person we lost, even though we are still caring for their bodies. We don't usually understand the why of suffering, but we sure do get the suffering.

This verse stood out to me this morning, and I'm glad it did. It was a great reminder that we can't always avoid things, but we will always get through them with the help of God. I thought of a few of my Bible heroes and the things they went through - noted, they did not avoid the troubles - they went through them.

• Daniel went through the lion's den and came out on the other side.
• Paul and Silas went through being beaten and chained to the walls of a dark prison. But when they rejoiced and praised God - they walked right out.
• Joseph went through years in prison for something he didn't even do. Besides going through being betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery unjustly.
• Jesus went through the cross - He didn't avoid it.

These are just a few examples of those who went through - I bet you have some favorites of your own, right? Isaiah 43 is a reminder to us that God's taking us through our struggles. He says when you go through the waters - and when you go through the fire...He's still right there, making sure we are going through.

Today, I will remind myself that God is right here with me in my today. I'm not going through this alone, but I am going through. I will remind myself that God's not going to abandon me when the waters get too deep, or the fire gets too hot. He'll keep me in the middle of it all. My heart is in His  - I'll remind myself that I can trust Him, even for today. And that is my plan for today - trust Him through it. Will you join me?

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Still Writing

 

When I woke up this morning, I was just grateful. That may have spilled out wrong - there wasn't anything wrong except another long night, but I was just overcome with gratefulness. I spent some time thinking about how God has carried me all these years, even BC (before caregiving). Overnight, Chris had woken me up a time or two, and then I couldn't go back to sleep. I hate those unproductive hours, but they happen. When I finally started waking up and shaking off the early morning grogginess, I started thanking God for keeping me hidden in Him. I thanked Him for being with me and never leaving. That's when I had this thought  - that He's still writing my story.

Over the years, I've had people talk to me about writing my caregiving story in a book. But my answer has remained the same. There's not a happy ending. So, this morning as I was meditating on Psalm 139 and how God watches us be formed in the womb, I realized that He didn't stop there. He's still writing our stories as we walk them out day by day. 

So many times that He has carried me came to mind, and I let my thoughts wander back over the years of how I've had His peace in the most troubled times of life. I thought about how He has shown up and shown out on my behalf or on Chris' time and time again. The song "The Goodness of God" began to run through my mind and I joined it with my heart in silent but powerful praise to Him. 

You see, He's still writing our stories, and He has left so much room for character development. (Lol.) He's lifted His eternal pen to write in peace where we need it. There's a line or two of joy too! He's written in comfort and then covered our stories' pages with His grace. It plays a supporting role. The ending just has to be good with an experienced writer like this.

Today, I may not feel it - but He's got me and my loved ones tucked safely into His heart. For that, I am thankful. As I go about my day, I'll think about how God has His pen out to write in whatever is needed. I'll trust that He's written Himself in as a major role as my life plays out. I trust Him to write my story. I'm going to grab a cup of coffee and watch what He comes up with next!  Will you join me?

I have two bookstores of devotionals, Bible study guides, poetry, and more! You can get my downloadable eBooks (some are free!) from Dove's Fire Ministries Bookstore. A few of them are also available in print or for Kindle on Amazon!