One Big Question

Caregiving has a way of knocking you around a bit. Even when things are going good it can seem like the littlest things suck the wind out of you.I've spent my days wondering where God was, if He could help me. So, this morning while reading in Jeremiah, I found this question. It caught my attention because I've asked it and I've seen it in scriptures a couple of other places. The one big question is this: Where is God?

I've looked at this question in scriptures before. My first study involved Gideon in Judges 6 and the children of Israel in Exodus 17. I noticed they both asked the same question. When Gideon asked it during the encounter with the angel he got the response go in this your strength. It was like the question was right and approved of. But when the children of Israel asked where is God in Exodus 17 (also mentioned in Psalm 95), it was considered testing the Lord. Same question - totally different response from God.

So, this morning I was surprised to find this same big question in Jeremiah 2:6. It seems that God was upset with His children because they didn't ask where He was. I found this interesting. It seems that it's our attitude behind the question. If we are truly looking for Him when we ask it, He answers with His presence. If we are actually looking for another route, another way, another god when we ask it, then it's out of rebellion and stubbornness that God cannot tolerate.

I must admit I took a close look at my own heart as I read and reread these scriptures. I have to say when I've wondered where He was in my pain and struggles it's because I trust Him and need Him. The people in Jeremiah weren't looking for God - and that was their mistake. Gideon was truly looking for God and that was his blessing and his escape.

Today, I will remind myself that God has nowhere to go. He is everywhere and couldn't leave me if He did want to. I'll turn my thoughts to those places and times when I have seen Him act on my behalf. I'll think about the times He has blessed me with peace, provision, wisdom and even patience. My meditations will be on His omnipresence and the truth that He will never leave me even in difficult times. And I will remind myself that I only need to look for Him to find Him. Will you join me?

Ups and Downs

I've discovered that caregiving is a long series of ups and downs. Some battles are won and others are lost. The real battle is dealing with the emotions during the downs. I also know these hills and valleys can come in waves right after one another often in just a day, or an afternoon. It's crazy. So, what are we to do when it starts looking like we've lost a few of them right in a row?

Firstly, as caregivers, we know there is no quit. No time for that for sure. So we just keep putting one foot in front of the other as we wipe our eyes. There isn't a good place to stop and life ain't gonna wait for us to get it together now is it?

It's just the way it is, and we must accept it. Or do we? I'm thinking there's a balance between dealing with the hand life deals us each day, hour, or moment and trying to keep our heads above water. For me, I have to deal realistically with whatever my son will do in a given day without drowning. It may just be me. There's got to be a place between hope and dealing with daily harsh realities. Doesn't there?

What do we do when our heart begins to sink? I turn to what's familiar to me - the Psalms. Immediately I think of Psalm 13 where David starts out with some raw emotions and ends with a declaration once again.

How long O Lord? Will You forget forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart daily?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O Lord my God;

Enlighten my eyes; lest I sleep the sleep of death;

Lest my enemies say, "I have prevailed against him!"

Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in Your mercy;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

Just like David, I feel surrounded by an enemy poised to consume my soul. It feels like God doesn't see or hear even though I know the truth. As my thoughts become prayers, they must also be turned into declarations. Maybe I can't change today...But I do have a "but" - I have trusted and I will continue to trust in His mercy no matter what. 

I will sing to the Lord - because of how He has dealt with me. 

Today, my declaration is one of reaffirming trust in Him one more time - even if just for today, an hour, this second. I will declare what I have seen Him do - even if I am not seeing anything right now. I will declare He is still my God - and I'll give it all to Him one more time while I try to remember to breathe. Will you join me?

A Worthy Break

It's a little past 10 in the morning and already I feel like my day is wasting away out of my control. There are so many things on my to-do list it's overwhelming. It's so easy to feel like there's just no way to get ahead. Maybe it's just me...

We live in a very busy society but for caregivers, it can see our tasks are lined up in a never-ending line. Some days I am very excited to get to half the things I need to get done. Other days, I force myself to be happy with the 2 or 3 finished tasks. Caregiving itself provides us with ample tasks each day. For me, this means transfers, preparing food, feeding my son at meals,  doing range of motion exercises, standing him, bathing, and various other daily tasks. Of course, there's also all the daily chores like laundry, dishes, and cleaning. And then if you work from home... you see where I'm going? There really is a lot to do each day. Overwhelming doesn't even seem to cover the description, does it?

Today, as usual, I started out behind, but I made a different choice. I stopped and took a break, once I found a small time slot for it to fit in. I picked my guitar and just sang a few simple praise songs. At least for a few minutes, the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders as I turned my thoughts to Him and away from myself.

Praise breaks are great times to remind ourselves that our standing in the Kingdom of God didn't change when we became a caregiver. God did not change when our circumstances overwhelmed. He didn't get up off His throne and say, I quit. Not one word of truth disappeared out of the Bible when my world came crashing down. That's why I can take a break and find ways to praise Him - plenty of things to thank Him for.

Today, I encourage you to take a praise break, even if it's only five minutes. I started by thanking Him that my salvation is not voided or changed because of circumstances. From there, I found numerous things to thank Him for and ways to bless His name. It was a worthy break and I felt better afterward. I will turn my thoughts to what He has done that will stand the test of time and eternity - and I'll meditate on that today - as I take a praise break. Will you join me?

All in a Day's Work

I so enjoyed Psalm 31 yesterday so I decided to swim around in it again today for my morning devotions today. Actually, I have an outline now for a devotional called 30 Days in Psalm 31.  Hopefully, it won't take me long to get it together. There's just so much in this one little psalm. It's got all the right elements trust, raw emotions, rejection, social isolation, fear, prayer, declarations, and faith. Does it seem like to you that we can vacillate so easily from faith to fear and back again? For caregivers, it's all in a day's work.

One minute we're on top of the world feeling like we've got it all together and the next, we are in the bottom, alone, grieving, and afraid. I think it may just be me until I read a psalm like this where the psalmist lays it all out too. One second he's declaring I will trust in the Lord and the next he's sobbing my eyes are wasting away with grief. How often do we face days like that? I know I trust God, there's no doubt - but life still hurts like you-know-what! The pain doesn't stop in weak moments or in strong. Grief doesn't take but very brief breaks occasionally. It can simply be overwhelming.

I thank God for psalms like this one that allows me to be human... a piece of dust who trusts in God in the midst of the crazy emotions, stressful situations and long hours of caregiving. It assures me that going from fear to faith and doubt to trust and grief to prayer is somewhat normal. God doesn't turn a deaf ear to our spinning hearts in a crazy world. He's right there to be our fortress. He doesn't resign as our rock - it's a job He takes gladly and He's consistent at it.

My job is just to remind myself of it over and over and to keep returning to that point of trust and seeking Him as my refuge when life overwhelms.

Today, I will declare my allegiance to God - my trust in Him. I'll rest in Him as the rock of refuge and the strong tower I can run to when I feel anything but strong. I'll remind myself that He preserves the faithful and that He will strengthen my heart - if for no other reason than that I can trust Him more. And trust I will - will you join me?

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

Time intrigues me and I have studied it a lot. Quantum physics fascinates me although I must say I don't understand it. I'm a very casual student of it. Casual in that I don't dive too deep into it at all - but I still find it fascinating. I actually try to avoid the subject because I can get deep into it and lose hours of my day. lol. But during my private devotions this morning, there it was again.

In Daniel 2, the king requested an interpretation to a dream and God gave the dream and interpretation to Daniel. Since it was a life or death situation, Daniel and his friends were praising God for deliverance when Daniel said, And He changes the times and the seasons (v.21 NKJV). I was like times? When did it become plural? I was also reminded of a phrase I had seen in the psalms and found it in Psalm 31.

David says my times are in Your hands in Psalm 31:15. Personally, this is a statement of trust - saying to God that whatever comes while I am walking this journey through time, I am in Your hand. I camped out in this psalm for awhile as it spoke to me today right where I am...in time.

In verse 15, David is ultimately trusting the outcome of his situations to God when he says, my times are in Your hand. Just before this statement, the psalmist says, but as for me, I trust in You O Lord. When I have prayed and placed or acknowledged my times are in His hand it's been a statement of faith, one of complete surrender and trust. Then, David continues with a prayer deliver me from the hand of my enemies.

As caregivers, our enemies are not always physical. For me, it's fear, doubt, uncertainty, and discouragement for starters. These things war at our souls constantly and they can simply wear us down and wear us out. I believe God can help us face those things that war against our souls. God can deliver us from these enemies of our souls as we continue to trust Him.

Today, I will say one more time that my times are in His hand as I continue to trust Him for today. My meditation will be on His peace and the grace He gives to face this day, this spot in time. I'll trust Him to deliver me from fears, doubts, and all the other things that war against my soul, my mind, will and emotions. I'll take each fear, negative thought, and doubt to Him and express it to Him - give it to Him and trust that my times and my soul are in His hand. Will you join me?

Personal Journal Pages

There is so much on my heart this morning, I thought I'd just share my personal journal with you today.

March 28, 2019
So many stories I've heard of late of lives changes by tragedy. A girl injured in a wreck another child died in as they were T-boned by a truck. Her injuries are similar to Chris'. Last night a local boy with a broken back while on a dirt bike ride. I relive my days in the ICU waiting room. All those emotions of fearing the unknown rehearse themselves once again... the scenes running through my mind... 

I pray for the families with an understanding of their life-altering situation. Life will never be the same even if their child gets "better." I think now of hope - & true faith - trusting Him in the midst - not just as a way out or a way to avoid bad things. 

I pray His grace sustains their souls and that they run to Him in the storm instead of away from Him. I pray they learn more about Him in a more intimate way. It's almost like I experience the trauma all over again for them...with them. I know their situations are different but no more, no less challenging than my own. We all must take what we've been handed and learn one thing...to trust Him more through it all.

May we trust more deeply...

May we rely on Him more fully...

May we LET His peace guard our hearts...

May we trust Him as the keeper of our souls...

In good times and in bad

In lean times and in full

May He truly be my all in all...

For God is good even when life is not.

Search Again

I love the Psalms. Maybe it's the way David and the other psalmists are so open and honest with their feelings. They say things we are taught not to say. Their openness and vulnerability help remind me that God doesn't get mad at us when we speak our mind. He may shake His head a bit or roll His eyes, lol. But He gets us. It's Psalm 103:14 that tells us, He remembers we are but dust (or flesh).  He knows us - He knows our frailty. He understands our humanness, even in the midst of caregiving. I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing our weaknesses to Him - telling Him how we feel. It's not like He doesn't know if we don't tell Him.

Sometimes, though, I wonder how my babbling could make sense to Him. But then I remind myself that He understood it before I said it. That's right. Psalm 139:4 says You know what I am going to say even before I say it.  That lets me know he knows my heart's intent and the words are not as important. There have been those times I've broken down under the load of caregiving - worn out, exhausted, weary, grieved, and any other term that might fit - and I've had no words only silent cries. It's during those times I often feel Him the closest.

I think that's why I like psalm 139 so much and why I return to it so often. David talks about an up-close-and-personal God - one who is not afraid to be intimate with His people. A God who knows all the ins and outs and loves anyway. He never tosses me aside because I get frustrated with the situation (and I do that often!). He doesn't distance Himself from me (couldn't if He wanted to) when I go off into crazy mode. Those times I am off the chain and not sure what to do next - He whispers I am Here.  And then He offers direction and peace.

In this psalm, David talks about the omnipresence of God and that there is nowhere we can go to "get away" from Him. The deepest, darkest days of caregiving cannot separate us from Him. The highest, most pleasant days can't either.

What I found interesting as I read it this morning was this, though. In the first verse, David says O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. He goes through the whole discourse about how God is with us and He cannot possibly leave us - nor can we actually leave Him. Then he says in verse 23 Search me O God, and know my heart, test me and know my thoughts. It just hit me a bit funny that he expressed in the final verses what he said had already happened. Maybe David and I are related. lol

Sometimes we can feel like God is so close. Honestly, there are times it feels He is far away. We can go from you have searched me to search me again in a matter of seconds. And that's okay with God. He has searched before time began, He remembers our hearts, and He will search us again just to let us know He understands us. He gets us. And He still chooses to be with us. I like that.

Today once again, I will remind myself of His ever-abiding presence, of His faithfulness, and of His closeness. I'll meditate on the truth that He wants to be close to me even in the chaos. And I'll embrace His peace as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?