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My Grandmother's Poem

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Yesterday was a rough day, rougher than usual. As caregivers, our emotions often stay on the edge and it doesn't take much to tip us off. Well, yesterday was my tipping off point. The everyday stuff for us is enough, isn't it? I mean, come on life - my mom has dementia, I am an LD caregiver for my aunt (I went to see yesterday), and I am a full-time caregiver for my adult son who is total care due to a brain injury. Too many things have happened in the last couple of days and my emotions, nerves, mind, etc. are all on edge. Why can't life just let up a little now and then? I came home from seeing my aunt in the nursing home and was a bit frazzled. My heart and mind were racing. For me, one strategy for not getting taken down in life's swifter currents is to do something different. Not work. Not my norm. I spied a briefcase I'd brought in from the garage as I've been going through my aunt's things. As I unlatched it and opened up the top to see a poem...

Hard Questions

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I woke up with a particular scripture on my mind this morning. It didn't take long until I found it in Habakkuk. Since the whole book only contains three chapters I decided to read the entire thing. I'm glad I did. It started out with the prophet asking a lot of questions. He was asking God for some answers. In the first chapter, Habakkuk starts with a question I believe to be common for some caregivers. O Lord, how long shall I cry, and You will not hear? David asked similar questions in Psalm 13... On this caregiving journey, I must say I have wondered if God still hears my cry - if He still understands my heart. Habakkuk goes on to ask God why He allows me to see trouble.... God did answer Habakkuk, but the prophet came up with more questions. The discourse continues for the first couple of chapters. Chapter 3 is Habakkuk's prayer which ends with the verse I was looking for. Before I get to that, let me say God is not scared of our questions.  I've asked some h...

Everything is Beautiful

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My mom has dementia. I am not her caregiver, my dad handles everything. I know a lot of caregivers who are taking care of family members suffering from this horrible disease. I told Daddy that mama isn't the one suffering, it's us. Mama is happy. She sings all the old hymns. Randomly. While she's eating. In the middle of your sentence.. or her own. lol. She's as content as she can be. This was the first time she didn't know me at all. She usually figures it out after I am there a while. But not this day. It was hard on me - even though she was just as chipper as she could be. Even though she cannot remember, I have lots of memories of the things we used to do. We were good friends and worked in ministry together often. It doesn't seem fair.  She was vibrant, joyful, super talkative - never met a stranger. Mama was a Bible student and taught any time she was asked to. She was a Sunday School teacher, evangelist, youth pastor, and pastored a couple of times....

365 Years a Day

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The other day I heard someone slip up and say "365 years a day." Obviously, they meant to say "365 days a year" but the phrase caught my attention. I was like, sometimes it feels like 365 years in a day.  Maybe it's just me but it feels like I'm behind all the time. With so many things to do it can seem like I'm trying to get 365 years of tasks done in a single day. As caregivers, we have so many things that need to get done it can feel like we have to run full throttle all the time to get everything done in a day. After a while, it can start to wear away at your mind. Eventually, it goes deeper and wears away at your soul. That's when we become soul tired. When I reach that point it feels like my arms and legs are weights and it takes all my strength to hold my head up. I'm sure I'm about to go down for the proverbial third time  and I don't know if I ever want to surface again or not. There are times I really like my cave. lol Let...

Am I a Juggler or What?

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I could not fathom doing what I am doing - caregiving-wise - before I did it. Sometimes people tell caregivers you are so strong.  But if you are like me you don't feel it at all. We tend to not see carrying the load we carry as a strength. I think of myself as more of a juggler trying to get each thing done letting it suspend in mid-air for just enough time to touch another project or chore before juggling another task around to be worked on. And it never seems to get done. I think juggling is more appropriate than strength. lol If you are like me - there are good days and bad days. Some days I feel like I'm ready to take on the world. And some days it has to be done to get things accomplished. Other days I can feel so very weak. I'm not overcome - I am just tired through and through. Paul stated in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that he would boast in his weaknesses since the real power - the real strength comes from God. He even goes on to say in the very next verse that he is...

Count it all What?

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This morning I started reading in James as I prepare another study guide. I read through the first few verses, sighed and moved on. Then a friend shared her devotional for the day and it was on the exact same verse. So, I thought maybe I should camp there awhile. In James 1:2 we are reminded to count it all joy when  we fall into different trials. It doesn't say if... it says when. I get that- you know - something's always going on. and for caregivers, it's a daily struggle to make ends meet emotionally, financially, mentally and physically. But do I have to consider it joy? Well, if you'll read it again, it's not talking about being joyous because of the trial, it's because of the result. It's the testing of our faith  that will produce endurance. I can testify that this is true. I've talked a lot about a redefined faith - one that sustains us. It's that deep-felt heart-abiding faith that won't let you give up. The same one that can honest...

Tinted Glasses

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As a full and part-time caregiver, it's difficult to read the word without seeing it through caregiver tinted glasses. Of course, this is true no matter what comes at us in life whether a long-lasting recovery, serious illness, divorce, or anything else. The good thing is that the Word of God does not change to fit what we are going through. His Word stands sure - no matter what we go through - it remains applicable. It has to be - right? If our situations change it - which is stronger? Sometimes, parts are not as easily understood because we view them through pain-tinted glasses. But His word still stands. It is still true. It does not change. For this I am thankful. I read sometimes, looking for parts that can be lived from the cave. You know? Even though I can get out a little more - I still deal with frustrations when I can't find the "me" I used to be. The one who was always there for everyone.  I didn't miss church. never missed meetings, etc. I was on ...