Daily Devotions for Caregivers

Have you ever had those days where you feel like life is dragging you into the deep dark mire of depression? You can feel its grip tightening with every breath and it's reflecting in every sluggish move. I have to admit I feel that way today. I can't blame it on any one thing - but a series of events have had this effect on me and honestly I don't always know how to get out or break its grip. As I opened my Bible this morning, mostly out of habit to be truthful, my eyes fell on a couple of verses out of Psalm 32. Verses 7 says this: You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance.  This is what I call a "two-way" psalm because between verse 7 and 8 it changes from second person to first person - like God is answering the psalmist. These are cool to me because it's like God interrupts the psalmist mid stream to get His thoughts in. Because verse 8 just pops out of nowhere with: I will instruct you and teach...

This morning during my devotions I came across this one little phrase in Psalm 142:8. It sort of just jumped out at me really and it says: Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; for I trust in You. My eyes were just drawn to it and I began meditating on it, and it became my prayer. You see this morning, like most mornings, I woke up with my huge "to do" list running full speed in my head. As usual I got up, made coffee, changed and bolused Chris, then sat down at the computer trying to figure out where I was going to start on the long list of work I have to do for clients. Then I thought about just skipping devotions since I have so much to do today. Chris has therapy, I started a new class and I have tons of work to get done. I'm tired already, *sigh*. But I decided to take the time to put first things first and this scripture all but jumped off the page at me. I really do need to hear His lovingkindness.  But how do you hear  lovingkindness, especially wh...

My son is non-verbal which can make it difficult sometimes to figure out what he is wanting or why he is uncomfortable. I usually say I'm pretty good at playing "guess and check" where I guess what to fix and then see if that's what makes him happy. It seems like I'm right most of the time but of course I never really know. Sometimes I wish he could just tell me he needs some Tylenol; or that he's ready to go lie down. But he can't. I've had to figure out his silent signals and interpret what he needs or desires. On one hand, it seems like we've been working on that for some time - but actually it sort of came naturally. Probably because we are connected at the heart. I think when it comes to communicating with God as our caregiver it can be similar, not that we can't tell Him what we need, but that sometimes we  don't really know  what we need. He can interpret our silent pleas for help. Along the journey there have been times I'...

Last week while I was writing one of the devotions I made some sort of statement about how God is our ultimate caregiver. So this week I will be taking a closer look at how He caregives for us.... We've talked many times about how we look like Him  when we care for our loved ones. We exhibit several qualities when we demonstrate our love for our loved ones by taking care of their needs. We are up-close-and-personal with our loved one and totally engaged in making sure their needs are met - usually long before we ever even acknowledge any of our own needs...that's just the way it is. One of the characteristics of a caregiver is as provider. I do everything in my power to provide whatever my son needs. As a caregiver - their needs are of the utmost importance. Sometimes that means just covering the basic stuff like food, shelter and love. But we also do whatever else is necessary like range of motion, creating social outlets, shopping, just about anything needed that is in ...

Last night I was reading up on a new blog and it was talking about the power of being silent. The writer was discussing pain and adversity and how sometimes there is simply nothing to say and it's okay. This got me to thinking about Job's friends and how when they heard of his distress they came and just sat with him. They didn't say a thing, which we learn later was a good thing! But they just sat and mourned with him in his time of loss. When my son was first in the hospital I had a friend who did just that. She flew in and came and just sat. I was staying in his room with him as he was in isolation there was room for a couple of chairs. She just sat with me for 4 days. There really wasn't anything to say to make it better....but she was there. What caregivers find out way too soon is how fast people can just disappear from their lives. When they don't know what to say, or don't know how to make it better , they silently walk away. But it's quite a...

One of the things I do that drives other people simply mad is needing a scripture for almost everything. But as we know from life in general, as well as caregiving, there's not always a scripture to match a particular situation. When I am afraid, I can run to Psalms and find passages to help calm my fears. If I come up on financial struggles, I can find scriptures pertaining to God as our provider. Even when I am sick, I can run to our standard group of healing scriptures. And if I don't find immediate relief in any of these circumstances, finding a scripture or passage that is related helps give me something to stand on. Even when the tasks associated with caregiving become overwhelming I have a set of Psalms handy to remind me where to take a heavy or burdened heart - right back to Him. But it can be difficult to find a scripture that pertains to everything - caregiving or not. There are tons of little things that we don't talk about but that can nag at us. I'...

One of the biggest things I had to work through when I became a caregiver was music. I have played the guitar since I was about 13 (won't say how many years that has been!) and I've played the keyboard now for about 20 or so years. I also wrote poetry - started that sometime during my teen years and didn't even realize it for a long time. I don't know why. Over time the two began to blend together and I wrote music, mostly worship songs. Right after my son's wreck I penned a few songs from a raw emotional state. And then I stopped. Music died. I didn't even want to listen to music much. My son had been a drummer and a song writer and an accomplished musician. It broke my heart to hear music of any kind; and sometimes it made me downright mad. But over the last few months I have begun to return to that part of my heart and have a look around. I miss my son's music, but I was also missing my own. And I missed hearing Him  sing over me. Zephaniah 3:16 sa...

There were a lot of things that changed about my life when I became a caregiver. I used to run on "go" all the time, loved to be in a crowd, and enjoyed hiking, a lot. The social isolation has been one of the most difficult aspects of caregiving for me. But I didn't really change that much as "me" - I just had to change a lot of what I did. I was still the same person who loved the same things I did before caregiving became my lot in life. I just had to stop many of the things I was doing because something more important needed to be taken care of, my son. Even though I've always been a very (and I mean very) social and personable person, it's more difficult to develop relationships now for me. I know one reason is that we can't do  some of the things others do to build relationships. You know, there's no meeting up for a movie, a cup of coffee or a walk in the park. Even if we do schedule it we have to be willing to drop our plans at the...

When I woke up this morning I was having lots of trouble adjusting my attitude. I'm sure that's foreign to many of you - but after a night of tossing and turning it just happens. When sleep evades me - attitudes abound. Did you ever just doubt it all? I doubt He loves me, doubt He cares for me, doubt  He is with me, doubt He protects me... and the list goes on and on. My mind goes fast so in a matter of seconds I can have every area "covered" in doubt and frustration. My thoughts run along lines like if He loves me and truly cares for me why has this happened to me? Is this  what He really thinks about me and my son? I'm sure I'm the only one who has these little switches that get flipped and then a barrage of questions are hurled out all at one time. It seems worse during times of illness whether it is me or my son. This morning I got my son bolused and situated and then brought my coffee to my recliner kicked my feet up and started trying to sort thr...

Sometimes I wonder just what God sees when He looks at me. Just like everyone else I wear many hats and play many roles in life and being a caregiver is just one of them. But when He looks at me, does He just see a caregiver? Does He see a mother caring for her child? Or perhaps He sees me as a grandmother playing with her grandchildren. Maybe He sees me as a sister, or as a child caring for her aging parents. Or that crazy aunt everyone needs in their lives! lol Does He look at me and see a runner? A blue belt in taekwondo? He put the gift of music in my heart - maybe he sees a guitar player or a keyboardist. Does He see a songwriter or a singer? Maybe He sees me as a writer or a poet.... While I was meditating on this the other day this little poem popped out. I see all the things you do... I appreciate every part of you. I see all the ways you spend your time But when I look at you.... I see you are mine. We are His. We belong to Him and He calls us His own....

I've talked a lot about seeing God. My favorite story used for reference is Hagar when she realized God saw her and her son. But until this week, I hadn't thought about the flip side of that. I was reading in Genesis about Abraham offering up Isaac. In chapter 22 verse 8 Abraham said "God will provide for Himself the lamb for the burnt offering." I know God does indeed provide  for us and I have certainly experienced that on my caregiving journey. But the margin caught my eye as it gave an alternate interpretation of see for the word "provide ."  My loose interpretation is God will be seen. I often rejoice in the fact that God can see me and knows my situation intimately. But I paused to ask can I see God? Honestly, there are those times when I don't feel I can see Him at all. Usually it's at 3 or 4 in the morning when my son is running a fever or moaning in pain and I feel out of options. I must admit I have not acted much like a believer...

I've read and reread the story of Joseph, and growing up in church it was one of the common Bible stories that we heard over and over. On one hand I think the caregiver can learn from Joseph's patience. He had a dream that seemed could never come true. Life betrayed him. I know the scriptures don't go into Joseph's thoughts but he had to have some serious dedication to God to not lose it during those waiting years. I think of the betrayal by his brothers. Then the betrayal by Potiphar's wife. Not only did his brothers put him in a pit until they could sell him to the next passerby, Potiphar has him thrown into prison for something he didn't do. He spent a lot of time waiting, wondering, and trying to figure things out I would assume. While our stories usually focus on Joseph and his determination to serve God through his trials, this weekend as I was rereading the story once again, I thought about Jakob. In Genesis 37, it says that Jakob  wept for Joseph...

The question do we have what it takes  can seem kind of shallow and unnecessary to ask caregivers, right? We've already figured out how to roll up our sleeves, dig in and get it done. We have developed our own skill set some of which were part of our makeup before becoming caregivers; but we have also honed many skills as we have gone along. We learned to advocate, picked up on the right keywords to get things done, learned medical vernacular, figured out how to get the "right numbers" when we really need something done and opened our homes to total strangers to accept help. (nurses, doctors, aides, etc) While we are still the same person we were before caregiving - we have also evolved. We learned how to get up in someone's face. I recall when my son was still in the hospital and I discovered his catheter had had absolutely zero output all day - he was in horrible shape. They couldn't send anyone in because the nurse was at lunch. Madea's words ran thro...

One of the things I've found caregivers must learn to deal with is the wide range of emotions. I'm not even talking about the "big stuff" like depression and the like. I'm talking about the day to day fluctuations of sadness to joy, contentment to unrest. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks they are emotionally schizo. One minute (or second depending on the day) I'm so happy and things are going well, and the next I've bottomed out and feel like a failure as a caregiver. On any given day emotions can vary greatly. My son does something new and I'm full of joy but then the next second I think that I should be celebrating his marriage or his first child instead of the fact he finally touched his nose. Is this just me?  This morning in my daily reading of scriptures I found something of interest to me in Psalm 108.The first 5 verses or so David talks about how glorious God is. He seems to be full of praise and waiting for God's answer to his pra...

How many times have we been places and it seems like we are invisible in the crowd? We actually went to a church one Sunday and not one person spoke to us, they all just walked right around us like we were not even there. This past Sunday we visited a church and so many talked to both of us - they spoke to my son and get this - they even touched him.  Unless you've been there you won't understand that. It can start to seem like we have leprosy or the plague. I actually fought back tears as I saw person after person touch his shoulder and speak directly to him even though he didn't seem to care. (I think he wanted to stay in bed!) Many times people encourage us to "get out of the house" without realizing what it really costs. Most of the time we are totally alone in our struggle. Over time, I've gotten used to taking up a whole aisle in a store as I push Chris in front of me and pull the basket along behind. We are quite the sight. This is just one settin...

The daily rigors of caregivng can get to you eventually. Well, actually, it's not the caregiving that always puts us into overload. We get used to the day-to-day activities we have to perform. It's not unusual to go from daylight to dark without much of a break just to get things done. And somehow we even get used to those unexpected things like an extra trip to the store to buy supplies or a "quick" trip to the doc or urgent care. Those are extras that we become accustomed to and we have those "special modes" we slip into. I know exactly what to grab as we head out the door to the ER. And when we get there I am somewhat prepared to stay a few hours to a few days whatever it takes! I'm not saying it's easy- we just learn how to make these adjustments on the fly. Adaptability is one of the first skills caregiving forces us to master. (smile) But let something happen outside our normal hectic zone and it's a major adjustment. Honestly, for me...

As a caregiver, there are just some things about which we cannot speak. We silently feel each other's pain and have an understanding of what a normal day  may look like. We wipe up drool, pick up spilled (or spit out) food, and perform tasks we cannot speak about to protect the dignity of our loved ones. But we all could share some crazy stories if we were alone! Are you nodding your head?  Even though we don't speak about it, we understand. We really do seem to live in an alternate world from everyone else. On a daily basis we deal with all the normal  stuff - and then our own set of what's normal. That might mean we have learned how to bolus a feeding through a tube, check 02 levels, take blood pressure, give a bed bath and change depends. But even though what we do daily looks a lot different from the rest of the world's normal day - spiritually we are no different at all. This morning I was reading Proverbs 17:3 that says: The refining pot is for silver and th...

I have a love-hate relationship with James 1:2. I love it because it's in the Word of God; but I hate it that I have to do it! Some days I don't want  to "count it all joy." I'm sure no one else feels that way, I mean after all as believers we are not supposed to feel  different than what the Word says. But there, I said it. Sometimes I can't see past my situation to find any joy at all. But maybe that's why verse 5 follows. In my mind this first chapter of James has always been all divided up into nuggets. Verses 2-3 explain how we are to address the trying of our faith through the various trials and difficulties we face in our lives. And then verses 5-6 tell us to go ask for wisdom. Two totally separate actions, right? This weekend as I was watching Francis Chan on YouTube (that was our Sunday morning "church" service!), something he said allowed me to connect these two sections. We are supposed to be able to find joy in our trials since ...

Some mornings I just wake up tired. Perhaps it's because I overdid it yesterday, or maybe it's because I'm looking ahead at what I have to do today. Either way there are these mornings when I feel like I am scraping myself off the bed to get about the day. I've heard people say that it is so nice you can stay home.  I try not to laugh too loudly. I think they have no idea what that actually looks like. Just today I have the nurse coming at 10 for her monthly visit, then I have to get my son fed, changed and loaded to go to therapy by 1:30. That takes the whole afternoon (not at all a complaint - just a fact!), then I'll have to get him back home and fed and in bed for a short rest before we start our evening schedule and then hopefully at some point back to bed late tonight. AND somewhere in all that I have clients who are waiting on work and of course they all need it right now!  whew! No wonder I was tired when I woke up this morning. It is very hard for me,...

Last night as I was going through our bedtime rituals. I just stopped and looked at my son. He was lying down, resting and soon to fall asleep. I think all mothers like to watch their kids sleep. I just stood there by his bed and let my mind wander a bit. I thought about our journey and all we've come through to this point.  And I rehearsed some of my fears of what may happen when I get my ticket out of this place called time - or I get too old to care for him. The thought of him being left in a home made me shutter. I thought of the people we met along the way and the ones I saw literally, just walk away. It's never been in me to do that. I thought of how much I love my son and how that holds me at his side no matter what. I felt the bond between us strengthen as I grabbed hold tighter with my heart. It made me more determined to be sure things are in order so he doesn't ever have to feel abandoned. I can't imagine putting him somewhere and walking away. In that ...

As I was reading through Psalm 71 in my morning devotions I recalled an old hymn called, Remind Me Dear Lord. I only remember a few of the phrases of that old song but sometimes it's really how I feel. At times I really need Him to remind me that I am still His child, He still loves me and He is still with me. Other times I need to remind myself of these solid truths. I assume that David wrote Psalm 71 but it doesn't say that for sure - just that it is a prayer of an old man.  Sometimes caregiving wears us down until we can just feel old.  This Psalm was a great reminder for me this morning. First of all, I noticed the things the psalmist reminded himself of regarding how he had reacted to God. He said things like: In You I have taken refuge Be to me a rock - to which I can continually come... My mouth is filled with Your praise I will hope continually; I will praise you more I will make mention of Your righteousness - Yours alone I will praise you with the harp...

Sometimes as a caregiver it can feel like we are "missing out" on life. There are many times we just can't do what we used to do because of our responsibilities of taking care of another. It may mean that we cut some of our favorite activities to try and lighten our load, or it might even mean we lack any sort of social life at all. For a long time I felt like I lived in a caregiver's cave. There was almost no social interactions and even now that we can get out and about even on a limited basis I am leery of scheduling outings. We just never know what a day is going to look like. It can be difficult to plan since we don't know what kind of day our loved one is going to have; and this can keep us from many activities. Even now that my son and I can get out more, I'm very limited on how long I can spend out. I have to get back home to change him or to feed him. And honestly, sometimes the fear of what might  happen while we are out keeps us home. There ar...

I know I've shared before that when my son was first injured I honestly thought that at any moment God was going to come riding on a white horse right into the ICU waiting area and swoop us all away. After 3 plus weeks in ICU and over 4 months total at the hospital I kinda started to figure out that was not going to happen. Yeah, I'm a slow learner! lol I still believe that God does not cause  these things to happen, but I also believe he does allow  life to bring them. However, I also believe that He does not waste them. What I mean by that is that while we are in any of life's situations - He's going to use it. 1 Peter 5:10 says this: After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.  Honestly, I'm not rejoicing over that when I first read it. I'd rather it said that God is going to look down and see us suffering and come riding in and p...

Caregiving has a way of lulling us into complacency. There's so many things that are the same as yesterday, things that don't change or go away.  Just my morning routine consists of getting Chris up, stripping his bed, starting his laundry, taking out his trash, pureeing his breakfast and feeding him. It's the same every single morning and then other routines take over after that. All of these mini-routines build up into one huge day of doing the same things over and over. For me, even runs to the urgent care or ER are routine any more. I know just what needs to be in the bag and I can throw it all together and be out of the door in a matter of minutes! Even though the caregiver's schedule is hectic even at its most peaceful times, it has a way of lulling us into complacency. We know what to expect and when to expect it and basically nothing surprises us anymore. There's not a lot of spontaneity in the caregiver's life because there's a whole series of e...

My latest personal devotions have been spent in 1 Peter. The epistles are among my favorite scriptures because they are just so rich! This morning I got stuck on 1 Peter 1:4. This passage is wonderful, but a few words in this scripture demanded my attention this morning. Verse 4 says we obtain an inheritance which is imperishable,  and undefiled , and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you. The words which I bolded are the ones which grabbed my attention. Our inheritance in the Lord cannot fade away, be defiled or perish. That might not seem like too big of a deal to a lot of people, but for me as a caregiver sometimes I start to feel like a second class citizen all the way around. I feel the loss of a "normal" life, and feel like I can't get out and do things like so many get to enjoy. When my son was first injured, my life stopped and in many aspects it's never begun again. It's changed; but it's anything but "normal." Many days I g...

I've been thinking about Joseph a lot over the last few weeks. He was another Bible hero who spent some time not being able to see just what God was doing in his life. It had to be so hurtful and difficult to deal with not only the rejection by his brothers, but being sold into slavery. If all that weren't bad enough he ends up going to prison for something he didn't do. Honestly, I'm sure somewhere along the way I might have quit. While Joseph's intense struggle isn't described in scripture, we can imagine that he endured heart wrenching agony. And it went on for years. We read the story of Joseph in a matter of a few minutes sometimes without realizing the impact of the number of years that  passed. He sat in prison. And sat. Then sat. And then sat some more. And the prison he was in was not anything like our prisons today. As harsh of an environment as today's prison are they would be plush and luxurious by comparison. I have to wonder what he tho...