Famine of the Soul

Have you ever had those days where you feel like life is dragging you into the deep dark mire of depression? You can feel its grip tightening with every breath and it's reflecting in every sluggish move. I have to admit I feel that way today. I can't blame it on any one thing - but a series of events have had this effect on me and honestly I don't always know how to get out or break its grip.

As I opened my Bible this morning, mostly out of habit to be truthful, my eyes fell on a couple of verses out of Psalm 32. Verses 7 says this: You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance. 

This is what I call a "two-way" psalm because between verse 7 and 8 it changes from second person to first person - like God is answering the psalmist. These are cool to me because it's like God interrupts the psalmist mid stream to get His thoughts in. Because verse 8 just pops out of nowhere with: I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.

So that got my attention and I thought about it a bit and then turned a page and saw this in Psalm 33:16-18:

The king is not saved by a mighty army

A warrior is not delivered by great strength.

A horse is a false hope for victory;

Nor does it deliver anyone by its strength.

Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,

On those who hope for His lovingkindness,

To deliver their soul from death

and to keep them alive in famine.

I think the biggest issues of being a caregiver are not physical but emotional which is our soul. We can live in a sort of famine of the soul where our emotions stay raw and open. Even though becoming a caregiver bringing about some physical changes, it's the soul that is ravaged by grief. Our soul gets its workout everyday just trying to navigate through all the emotions. But God will keep us alive in this famine of the soul.

Both of these psalms speak of His eyes being on us. I have to trust that no matter what I feel or face He is watching over me. I have to trust that He will instruct me - and I will hear Him. I have to trust that He is always watching, always listening and always ready to step in when I can't bear anymore. Well, I don't usually really give it all to Him until I get to that point. So today - I'm at that point! (smile) So I choose to give it to the One who is watching over me...one more time.

Today I'm going to try to consciously give Him my grief, pain, tears and struggles. I can't see Him watching over my soul and I can't feel Him rescuing my soul from famine; but I'll trust Him anyway. I will choose to trust Him to heal and protect my soul today. I'll lean in to Him with just a little more effort and trust He sees all, He knows all, and He's got my back today. Will you join me?

Let Me Hear

This morning during my devotions I came across this one little phrase in Psalm 142:8. It sort of just jumped out at me really and it says: Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; for I trust in You.

My eyes were just drawn to it and I began meditating on it, and it became my prayer. You see this morning, like most mornings, I woke up with my huge "to do" list running full speed in my head. As usual I got up, made coffee, changed and bolused Chris, then sat down at the computer trying to figure out where I was going to start on the long list of work I have to do for clients.

Then I thought about just skipping devotions since I have so much to do today. Chris has therapy, I started a new class and I have tons of work to get done. I'm tired already, *sigh*. But I decided to take the time to put first things first and this scripture all but jumped off the page at me. I really do need to hear His lovingkindness. But how do you hear lovingkindness, especially when your heart and head wakes up in fast gear?

I paused to think about what the psalmist must have meant by hearing His lovingkindness. Maybe it's going to be different for each person, but for me, hearing His lovingkindness in the morning means knowing and acknowledging that He is giving me what I need in the morning to make it the whole day through. And then the next phrase for I trust in You.

So this morning, I pause to intentionally hear Him. I listen to His heart telling me His mercy and lovingkindness are here with me today to help carry me through all I have to get done. And then once I really hear that in my heart -  I accept it because I trust Him. And all of a sudden, I don't feel so alone or overwhelmed - because I trust that no matter what I do today, or where we go, His lovingkindness will be carrying me.

Today I will keep my mind on his lovingkindness. I'll rejoice that He is with me on this journey and never leaves me. I'll remind myself that He is just as committed to the journey with me - as I am to the journey with my son. and I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Anticipating the Need

My son is non-verbal which can make it difficult sometimes to figure out what he is wanting or why he is uncomfortable. I usually say I'm pretty good at playing "guess and check" where I guess what to fix and then see if that's what makes him happy. It seems like I'm right most of the time but of course I never really know.

Sometimes I wish he could just tell me he needs some Tylenol; or that he's ready to go lie down. But he can't. I've had to figure out his silent signals and interpret what he needs or desires. On one hand, it seems like we've been working on that for some time - but actually it sort of came naturally. Probably because we are connected at the heart.

I think when it comes to communicating with God as our caregiver it can be similar, not that we can't tell Him what we need, but that sometimes we don't really know what we need. He can interpret our silent pleas for help. Along the journey there have been times I've had too many words (meaning I've said things to God I should not have said); but there have also been times of extreme pain when I didn't know what to say. And He's okay with either one.

For me - I have to anticipate my son's needs; but God already knows what I need. In Matthew 6:8 Jesus said that the Father knows what you need before you ask. He is not anticipating our needs - He already knows them. I think sometimes it's more about us learning how to receive His help. He knows and has already provided peace, comfort, joy and everything we need for life and godliness. (2 Peter 1:3) He listens to our verbal cries and hears our silent cries for help - and has already met the need.

It's up to us to learn how to rest in Him and how to receive peace, comfort and whatever else we need from Him. He's already extended it to us because He anticipated the need long before it existed. There's something very calming to me about acknowledging that.

Today I will meditate on how He provides everything I need. I'm going to take some time to look back over this caregiving journey and acknowledge how He's been with me all along and how He has provided what was needed all along. I'll meditate on how He knows  my need and has already provided for it. Will you join me?

The Caregiver's Caregiver

Last week while I was writing one of the devotions I made some sort of statement about how God is our ultimate caregiver. So this week I will be taking a closer look at how He caregives for us....

We've talked many times about how we look like Him when we care for our loved ones. We exhibit several qualities when we demonstrate our love for our loved ones by taking care of their needs. We are up-close-and-personal with our loved one and totally engaged in making sure their needs are met - usually long before we ever even acknowledge any of our own needs...that's just the way it is.

One of the characteristics of a caregiver is as provider. I do everything in my power to provide whatever my son needs. As a caregiver - their needs are of the utmost importance. Sometimes that means just covering the basic stuff like food, shelter and love. But we also do whatever else is necessary like range of motion, creating social outlets, shopping, just about anything needed that is in our power to do. When my son gets his therapy days (15 sessions in each discipline each year) I rearrange our whole schedule to accommodate so he gets what he needs. It's the nature of a caregiver....because it is just like His nature to care for us.

When I started on this caregiving journey I started looking online for work. I had no idea what was out there but I knew I wanted to be able to take care of Chris. I knew I'd need to be flexible so I could work from anywhere. I was willing to do whatever I needed to make sure his needs were met. God feels the same way about us? Need an example?

How about this: God knew man was going to fall. He knew Adam and Eve were going to screw this whole thing up. So what did He do? He made a way for us to get back to Him before He ever said, "Let there be light."  How do I know that? Revelation says He was the lamb slain before the foundation of the world. That says to me that long before God ever started creating the earth- He made sure there was a way for us to get back to Him. He provided a way.

I've seen His provision all along the way too. He has always opened just the right doors to ensure all of our needs are met. Abraham said He was our provider. He provided a raven to feed the prophet, He had water gush our of the rock, He provided manna that fell down from heaven...and He is still our provider today. Just like we do all we can to provide for our loved one - He continues to provide for us.

Today I will make an effort to thank Him for the ways I see Him providing for us. And I'll try to be more conscious of the different ways He uses to make sure our needs are met. My meditation will be on God as my provider, and I'll rest in Him today as I let my heart be thankful for all He has done and continues to do. Will you join me?

The Power of Silence

Last night I was reading up on a new blog and it was talking about the power of being silent. The writer was discussing pain and adversity and how sometimes there is simply nothing to say and it's okay. This got me to thinking about Job's friends and how when they heard of his distress they came and just sat with him. They didn't say a thing, which we learn later was a good thing! But they just sat and mourned with him in his time of loss.

When my son was first in the hospital I had a friend who did just that. She flew in and came and just sat. I was staying in his room with him as he was in isolation there was room for a couple of chairs. She just sat with me for 4 days. There really wasn't anything to say to make it better....but she was there.

What caregivers find out way too soon is how fast people can just disappear from their lives. When they don't know what to say, or don't know how to make it better, they silently walk away. But it's quite alright to just be there - even if you're silent.

As I was reading I started thinking about a couple of scriptures that match up with this thought. The first one of course is Psalm 46:10 that says Be still (or quiet) and know I am God. And the other one is Deuteronomy  6:4 that says Hear O Israel, the Lord is out God, the Lord alone. In my mind (I haven't researched it yet) Be still  and hear are the same. They are both saying - stop what you are doing for just one minute and listen. 

As caregivers our lives can be so hectic; a single day is filled with all sorts of related tasks we barely have the time to breathe sometimes. If we can get our insides quiet - we can hear Him. He's still there. He's still waiting for us to come to Him - like always. He still loves us. He still wants to hold us - we just have to be still.

Did you ever try to hold a toddler who had other ideas? They wanted to go get this toy, or grab that snack. You can barely keep a wriggling toddler in your lap for just a short bit before they are off to something more exciting. I wonder if caregivers are like toddlers in that we forget to just be. We have so much to do (but we do for real!) that even if we try to be still for a minute our mind is racing about all the things we have yet to do. But there's power in being silent and still.

Isaiah 30:15 says that in quietness and confidence our strength. I'm picturing myself like a little kid all crawled up and snuggled into His lap right now.

Today I will purposefully quiet my soul before Him. I'll let Him hold me and heal my soul. My meditations will be on His peace and His caregiving of me. I will direct my thoughts to how He continues to love, listen, and care for me. And I will be silent as I let His confidence and strength fill my being. Will you join me?

Is there a scripture for that?

One of the things I do that drives other people simply mad is needing a scripture for almost everything. But as we know from life in general, as well as caregiving, there's not always a scripture to match a particular situation.

When I am afraid, I can run to Psalms and find passages to help calm my fears. If I come up on financial struggles, I can find scriptures pertaining to God as our provider. Even when I am sick, I can run to our standard group of healing scriptures. And if I don't find immediate relief in any of these circumstances, finding a scripture or passage that is related helps give me something to stand on. Even when the tasks associated with caregiving become overwhelming I have a set of Psalms handy to remind me where to take a heavy or burdened heart - right back to Him.

But it can be difficult to find a scripture that pertains to everything - caregiving or not. There are tons of little things that we don't talk about but that can nag at us. I'm mostly over it now, but for a long time it really bothered me when my son drooled when we were out in public. He does hold his head up better now so it's not quite so bad - but there's just something less than classy (not that I have any class to begin with! lol) about having to wipe drool off the mouth of my grown son... do you know what I mean? I don't mind doing it - I'm not exactly embarrassed by it - but there are times it can get to you.

And then of course there are those unmentionables.  I'm talking about the things we don't mention because we can't. I'll try to be discreet! But when there are incontinence issues there can be embarrassing situations when out in public. We deal with them the best we can- like placing a jacket over the lap if a soiled spot appears. One time I had to leave an appointment at a physician's office because we had a stinky situation. There's no scripture to look up for that one!

What do we do? In most of life's situations we can find a scripture that relates, or at least one that parallels what we are going through. But in these types of what can be awkward situations, where's the scripture for that?

As I was thinking along these lines this morning I think I found one. Isaiah 61:2 says He comforts all who mourn. I think this covers all types of mourning - or loss. And it covers all those things we cannot talk about freely. (But if we could - we'd have some stories to share!!lol) I think when I saw this scripture this morning - I just felt like God was trying to tell me that He's got us covered. No matter what we are dealing with today - and for the caregiver that can be a wide range of possibilities -  He's got us.

Today I will meditate on and accept the comfort God offers. I'm going to meditate on how He has me covered today. Whenever anything comes up in my mind that wants to trouble me today - I'm just going to remind myself that He has me and He's not going to let me go. Will you join me?

Why Does He Sing?

One of the biggest things I had to work through when I became a caregiver was music. I have played the guitar since I was about 13 (won't say how many years that has been!) and I've played the keyboard now for about 20 or so years. I also wrote poetry - started that sometime during my teen years and didn't even realize it for a long time. I don't know why.

Over time the two began to blend together and I wrote music, mostly worship songs. Right after my son's wreck I penned a few songs from a raw emotional state. And then I stopped. Music died. I didn't even want to listen to music much. My son had been a drummer and a song writer and an accomplished musician. It broke my heart to hear music of any kind; and sometimes it made me downright mad.

But over the last few months I have begun to return to that part of my heart and have a look around. I miss my son's music, but I was also missing my own. And I missed hearing Him sing over me.
Zephaniah 3:16 says this:

Cheer up, Zion! Don't be afraid!

For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you!

He is a mighty savior - He will rejoice over you with great gladness.

With His love, He will calm all your fears.

He will exult over you by singing a happy song. (NLT)

I have loved this verse ever since I first read it! We do not have to be afraid because God lives among us. And for the caregiver there are many fears - the church might condemn us for that and say they are lack of faith - but let them. We wonder about each day as well as the future. One of my greatest fears is how my son will be taken care of when I die. This verse says to not be afraid but also says He will calm our fears - with His love. Many time I need my fears calmed. Sometimes I need it many times a day...every day.

And then the last part says He will exult over us by singing a happy song. I love the picture that paints in my mind. I see myself on my knees - as I hold my son stretched out across my lap; and the Lord standing over me singing to me a song of peace. As He sings of His love for me and my son - my heart is filled with joyful peace and comfort. 

He is pleased with us as caregivers. We had to take on His very nature to be a caregiver (in my humble opinion). I honestly think He looks down at us and it puts a twinkle in His eye - because we look like Him. And when He sees us filled with His compassion, His care, His love for another - it makes His heart sing and He just can't hold it back!

Today I will listen for His song. I might find it in the most unusual places, but I'm going to listen for His heart today. My meditations will be focused on pressing in to His heart - and listening for Him instead of trying to get Him to listen to me today. I'll be reshifting my focus to hearing the steady beat of His heart for me.... will you join me?

Behind the Wheelchair

There were a lot of things that changed about my life when I became a caregiver. I used to run on "go" all the time, loved to be in a crowd, and enjoyed hiking, a lot.

The social isolation has been one of the most difficult aspects of caregiving for me. But I didn't really change that much as "me" - I just had to change a lot of what I did. I was still the same person who loved the same things I did before caregiving became my lot in life. I just had to stop many of the things I was doing because something more important needed to be taken care of, my son.

Even though I've always been a very (and I mean very) social and personable person, it's more difficult to develop relationships now for me. I know one reason is that we can't do some of the things others do to build relationships. You know, there's no meeting up for a movie, a cup of coffee or a walk in the park. Even if we do schedule it we have to be willing to drop our plans at the last minute because our loved one is not up to it, they (or we) become sick or any number of crazy things that can happen.

And sometimes it's because people don't see anything past our caregiving. They forget we are a real person behind the wheelchair. Maybe they don't think about getting past the caregiving to the person we are inside, maybe they don't know how. And maybe we don't know how to get out of the box either.

Even though caregiving has brought about many character and lifestyle changes in me, I'm still me. I still like music, I love a good game, I'm all up into sports and I still like my coffee, a good funny movie and my guitar. Sometimes I feel very alone because people don't look past the wheelchair at this person....a caregiver is still a person. It can be a very lonely place.

I'm so thankful that God is intimately acquainted  with me. He knows me inside and out - and he's not afraid of the wheelchair. Psalm 139 gives us a glimpse of how closely He lives to us. He knows my thoughts (cuss words included) and He's not scared away. He feels me and still presses in to be intimately acquainted with me. I love this verse in Exodus 34:14 it says:

You must worship no other gods,

but only the Lord,

For He is a God who is 

passionate about His relationship with you. (NLT)

So even though it feels like those around us don't "push past" who we are and the role we play as caregivers, God is not too scared to be passionate about a relationship. He still wants to know us inside and out. He didn't put any disclaimers on this or any other verse that says, unless you are a caregiver. He still loves us, cares for us, and wants to be in a close relationship with us.

Today I am going to purposefully rejoice that He wants to be with me, even when I can't understand why. I will turn my thoughts to the truth that He passionately pursues me... me.. the caregiver. And I will bask in the fact that He isn't looking for a way out of an "uncomfortable" situation. He doesn't feel awkward talking to me or being with me. I will turn my heart to Him to welcome Him into my world today. Will you join me?

When in Doubt

When I woke up this morning I was having lots of trouble adjusting my attitude. I'm sure that's foreign to many of you - but after a night of tossing and turning it just happens. When sleep evades me - attitudes abound.

Did you ever just doubt it all? I doubt He loves me, doubt He cares for me, doubt He is with me, doubt He protects me... and the list goes on and on. My mind goes fast so in a matter of seconds I can have every area "covered" in doubt and frustration.

My thoughts run along lines like if He loves me and truly cares for me why has this happened to me? Is this what He really thinks about me and my son? I'm sure I'm the only one who has these little switches that get flipped and then a barrage of questions are hurled out all at one time. It seems worse during times of illness whether it is me or my son.

This morning I got my son bolused and situated and then brought my coffee to my recliner kicked my feet up and started trying to sort through all these questions. For some reason, I'd like to think God led me to it - I thought of the old hymn The Anchor Holds. It remains a favorite in my family. I thought in particular of the part that says:

The anchor holds

though the ship is battered

The anchor holds

though the sails are torn

I have fallen on my knees

As I've faced the raging seas

The anchor holds

in spite of the storm...

It doesn't seem to matter to God how much I doubt and pout - He always has an answer. Immediately my mind went to Paul's shipwreck in Acts 27. He basically told them I told you not to take this journey to start with and this damage wouldn't have occurred then he says keep up the courage and he told that to them two or three times more. 

I figure since they were warned by God to NOT go on the journey and went anyway - and God gave them courage to deal with the situation- He can give us courage too. We are here by no fault of our own. These guys barely made it from the boat to land. Many of them floated on whatever pieces they could find. I feel that way sometimes; like I'm clinging to anything solid I can find. Just let me make it to land.....just for today.

So then another scripture comes to mind. Someone shared it with me the other day and I've read it about every day since. It's from the Message Bible and it says this:

Don't for a minute let this Book of the Revelation be out of mind.

Ponder and meditate on it day and night,

making sure you practice everything written in in.

Then you'll get where you are going;

then you'll succeed.

Haven't I commanded you?

Strength! Courage!

Don't be timid, don't get discouraged.

God, your God is with you every step of the way.

I have to say that caregivers in general are not a timid breed. We've taken life by the horns and bulled our way through. We can be some pretty tough critters when we need to be. But we do get discouraged, tired, weary and worn. We have to reach out there and fight for all sorts of things as we advocate for our loved ones. Today we can also take something else - Let's take courage. 

God hasn't abandoned us. He hasn't forgotten us. He is still with us. Faith is knowing that when we definitely don't feel it.

Today I will encourage myself with these scriptures and I will turn my thoughts to the fact that He is with me every step of the way. I don't get to skip any steps - and they may all feel like they are uphill... but He has not left my side. I'm going to grab hold of what little bit of faith I feel I have left and trust Him for one more day's worth of strength and courage. Will you join me?

When God Looks at Me

Sometimes I wonder just what God sees when He looks at me. Just like everyone else I wear many hats and play many roles in life and being a caregiver is just one of them. But when He looks at me, does He just see a caregiver? Does He see a mother caring for her child? Or perhaps He sees me as a grandmother playing with her grandchildren.

Maybe He sees me as a sister, or as a child caring for her aging parents. Or that crazy aunt everyone needs in their lives! lol

Does He look at me and see a runner? A blue belt in taekwondo?

He put the gift of music in my heart - maybe he sees a guitar player or a keyboardist. Does He see a songwriter or a singer? Maybe He sees me as a writer or a poet....

While I was meditating on this the other day this little poem popped out.

I see all the things you do...

I appreciate every part of you.

I see all the ways you spend your time

But when I look at you....

I see you are mine.

We are His. We belong to Him and He calls us His own. He doesn't just see us as a caregiver or any other role we play - He sees us as His precious possession. We are His. 

With these thoughts running around in my head I thought of a childhood experience. I had a doll when I was about 6 and my cousin J.R. loved that doll. He was a couple of years younger than me and we were rivals resembling that of siblings. I would not give J.R. my doll and would hide it from him when he came to my house because I didn't want him to carry it around and try to take it home with him.

His parents finally bought him a doll just like mine and I was relieved. That poor doll though. He carried it under his arm everywhere he went. I had given my doll up and gone on to more important things in life and J.R. was still toting that dirty, limp doll every where he went. One day the body detached from the head. But J.R. didn't let go - he just kept carrying that head around with him everywhere he went. Why? Because it was his. It belonged to him.

Even in our most broken state - God will not let go. He loves us far beyond J.R.'s love of that doll. But he loves us and carries us with just as much passion. We are His! When He looks at us - He sees us and says, "that one is mine!" He claims us - even when family or friends won't - He is not ashamed to call us His own.

Today I will meditate on the truth that I belong to Him. My thoughts will be on Isaiah 43:1 where God says, "I have called you by name; You are mine." No matter what comes today - I will hold on to the truth that He gladly calls me his own. Will you join me?

The Flip Side of Everything

I've talked a lot about seeing God. My favorite story used for reference is Hagar when she realized God saw her and her son. But until this week, I hadn't thought about the flip side of that.

I was reading in Genesis about Abraham offering up Isaac. In chapter 22 verse 8 Abraham said "God will provide for Himself the lamb for the burnt offering." I know God does indeed provide for us and I have certainly experienced that on my caregiving journey. But the margin caught my eye as it gave an alternate interpretation of see for the word "provide." My loose interpretation is God will be seen.

I often rejoice in the fact that God can see me and knows my situation intimately. But I paused to ask can I see God?

Honestly, there are those times when I don't feel I can see Him at all. Usually it's at 3 or 4 in the morning when my son is running a fever or moaning in pain and I feel out of options. I must admit I have not acted much like a believer on some of those occasions. There have been many tears shed during those midnight hours and I've cried out God, where are you now? I must also admit I've said lots of other things to God that should not be said - but they were my honest feelings at the time. And I really believe He's big enough to handle our hurts, fears and feelings just as we interpret them in time. He knows eternity is bigger.

During those times that are rougher, it can be difficult to see God. But then He seems to march right into our reality and make Himself known and seen. I saw Him in the caring eyes of two little girls at the grocery store. They asked their mom if they could pray for my son. They had such a true compassion - I'm sure it came from Him.

I saw Him in a young man who reaches out to us and does a 5K to raise funds to help us get a handicap van. I saw Him in the xray technician last time we were in the hospital. I can't explain it, but  the way she touched my son with caring gentleness when taking an xray moved me to tears- because I saw His touch in her hands. (I even talked to her about it.) I've seen Him in the new church we found; people actually spoke to my son (who is non-verbal), accepted him, and even touched him....acted like he exists.

We can get so caught up in the busy-ness of caregiving and forget to see Him in our day to day lives.  But He is present and He is paying attention. Sometimes we just have to look for Him.

Today I am going to purposefully look  for His presence in my life. My thoughts will be on His ever abiding presence and how close He is even if I don't see or feel His presence. I'll look for Him  for when I seek Him - I will find Him. Will you join me?

What about Jakob?

I've read and reread the story of Joseph, and growing up in church it was one of the common Bible stories that we heard over and over. On one hand I think the caregiver can learn from Joseph's patience. He had a dream that seemed could never come true. Life betrayed him. I know the scriptures don't go into Joseph's thoughts but he had to have some serious dedication to God to not lose it during those waiting years.

I think of the betrayal by his brothers. Then the betrayal by Potiphar's wife. Not only did his brothers put him in a pit until they could sell him to the next passerby, Potiphar has him thrown into prison for something he didn't do. He spent a lot of time waiting, wondering, and trying to figure things out I would assume.

While our stories usually focus on Joseph and his determination to serve God through his trials, this weekend as I was rereading the story once again, I thought about Jakob.

In Genesis 37, it says that Jakob wept for Joseph and goes on to say he refused to be comforted. His other children all tried to console him, but his reply was I will go to my grave mourning for my son. He had no idea that Joseph was going to be his leader some day and he had no reason to believe that Joseph was alive - no hope that everything would be okay one day. He lived in grief.

The caregiver can experience what is called a living grief. Depending on the particulars of our situation, we can lose a lot. For my situation, my son is gone, but his body is still here. I have grieved the loss of my son but can't quite "put it away" since there was no funeral or burial. The grief continues. It's the same with my mom. She's experiencing dementia and is not really who she used to be. I have to grieve the loss, even though she's still technically here. 

Many caregivers experience this living grief and it can be some very complex emotions to work through.You can't just "move on" but there's still a sense of loss. Caregivers have given up something on some level no matter what their situation. Some give up jobs, freedom, friends, and many other aspects of life to care for a loved one.

1 Corinthians 1:3 says that God is the God of all comfort.  I really like this little word, all. God can comfort Joseph sitting in the prison cell wondering where the promise is; and God can comfort Jakob who feels like the promise was stolen and is gone forever. God can feel us. He gets us. And He will comfort and strengthen our hearts.

Today I will turn my thoughts to the fact that He gets me. He understands everything I am going through and He pours His strength into me - and gives me strength for today's journey. (everyday is a journey for caregivers) My meditations will be on the truth that He loves me with the same love I have for my son. (Insert whoever you are a caregiver for.) And instead of focusing on the loss today - I'll focus on His provision, His love, His strength, His patience with me and the grace He gives me to make it one more day. Will you join me?

Do We Have What it Takes?

The question do we have what it takes can seem kind of shallow and unnecessary to ask caregivers, right? We've already figured out how to roll up our sleeves, dig in and get it done. We have developed our own skill set some of which were part of our makeup before becoming caregivers; but we have also honed many skills as we have gone along.

We learned to advocate, picked up on the right keywords to get things done, learned medical vernacular, figured out how to get the "right numbers" when we really need something done and opened our homes to total strangers to accept help. (nurses, doctors, aides, etc)

While we are still the same person we were before caregiving - we have also evolved. We learned how to get up in someone's face. I recall when my son was still in the hospital and I discovered his catheter had had absolutely zero output all day - he was in horrible shape. They couldn't send anyone in because the nurse was at lunch. Madea's words ran through my mind  you only have to go crazy up in here one time.

Now I am a very composed and gathered person for the most part as I was in ministry for many years and you learn how to keep your composure at all costs. But I purposefully chose to go out in the hall and lose it. And I did it up good! Since I had been there for over 3 months and never made a scene nurses came from everywhere to see what was up with mama. They took care of my son's needs right then. I share that to say - as caregivers - we learn to do what we need to to get the right things done.

We know what we have to do and we are willing to do whatever is needed to ensure our loved one is well taken care of. But do we have what it takes to wait? I have to say many times I do not. This morning during my daily devotions I came across (okay so my Bible fell open to) Psalm119:114 and it leaped out at me. It says this

You are my hiding place and my shield

I wait for Your Word...

When my mind is swirling with all that I have to get done today and everyday, can I slow down and just wait for Him? Sometimes I need to just chill out and wait for His grace, wait for His hope, wait for His strength to flood my being. It's so easy for us as caregivers to get pulled out and taut to where we have zero relief. When I find myself in this position it just makes it that much harder to wait for Him and to hear Him when He speaks.

Today I will take many deep breaths as I refocus on waiting for Him. I will turn off all the noise in my head and purposefully rest in Him. My thoughts will be on His peace, His love, His abundance, His grace and His mercy as I shift my focus from myself and back to Him one more time. Today...I wait. Will you join me?  

Are There Two of Me?

One of the things I've found caregivers must learn to deal with is the wide range of emotions. I'm not even talking about the "big stuff" like depression and the like. I'm talking about the day to day fluctuations of sadness to joy, contentment to unrest. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks they are emotionally schizo. One minute (or second depending on the day) I'm so happy and things are going well, and the next I've bottomed out and feel like a failure as a caregiver. On any given day emotions can vary greatly. My son does something new and I'm full of joy but then the next second I think that I should be celebrating his marriage or his first child instead of the fact he finally touched his nose. Is this just me? 

This morning in my daily reading of scriptures I found something of interest to me in Psalm 108.The first 5 verses or so David talks about how glorious God is. He seems to be full of praise and waiting for God's answer to his prayers. Then his tone changes; and the last three verses are quite different. Now the last verse was a popular song in the 70's church, We sang and sang about how valiant God is and how He was going to tread down our enemies. It was a fun, uplifting song. But this morning I noticed that just two verses back - David wasn't feeling it.

In verse 11, David feels as though God has rejected him. So in just a couple of verses, he goes from Where did you go, God?  to God is a valiant warrior who is treading down my enemy. And just for today - I could relate. One second I feel totally abandoned by God - left alone in this world to deal with a trying situation; and the next I know that it is God who is giving me strength to fight this battle and I can sing His praise. Sometimes I feel like there are two of me - two extremes - extreme despair all the way to extreme thankfulness... and you know what? It's okay. God gets me. And He is beside me as a valiant warrior to defeat my enemies (fear, doubt, confusion....)

So today I will meditate on the first 5 verses of this chapter. I will like David, determine to sing to the Lord and offer up praise - even if it is a sacrifice. I will sing of His loving kindness, mercy and truth. Those things don't change based on our circumstances.  I will exalt Him in my heart and let Him reign over my crazy feelings. Will you join me?

Not Invisible to God

How many times have we been places and it seems like we are invisible in the crowd? We actually went to a church one Sunday and not one person spoke to us, they all just walked right around us like we were not even there.

This past Sunday we visited a church and so many talked to both of us - they spoke to my son and get this - they even touched him. Unless you've been there you won't understand that. It can start to seem like we have leprosy or the plague. I actually fought back tears as I saw person after person touch his shoulder and speak directly to him even though he didn't seem to care. (I think he wanted to stay in bed!)

Many times people encourage us to "get out of the house" without realizing what it really costs. Most of the time we are totally alone in our struggle. Over time, I've gotten used to taking up a whole aisle in a store as I push Chris in front of me and pull the basket along behind. We are quite the sight. This is just one setting where we can feel like we stick out like a sore thumb. But add to that the fact that we are primarily politely ignored and it can feel like we are in an emotional vacuum. Standing in the middle of a crowd we seem invisible.

Being acknowledged this week as real people had me thinking along these lines. I started thinking about how He is intimately acquainted with all our ways; and that He saw us while we were forming in our mother's womb. He really does see us; even if we are invisible to the world. (Psalm 139)

My thoughts raced back to Hagar in Genesis 16 where Hagar had been forced out from Sarah after she got pregnant and cocky.The angel comes to her and tells her that the son in her womb is going to be a donkey of a man and that he's going to live a life at odds with basically everyone. But her response is perfect. To me the angel didn't say real "nice" stuff about Ishmael - which by the way means "God heard."

Even though the angel told her Ishmael is gonna be a wild one - Hagar says this: "You are a God who sees." She was seen she was not invisible to God. That's what she got out of this angelic encounter - that God could see her and where she was. That's so important for us caregivers I think - just to know that He has not abandoned us like so many - He is here, He knows, He hears, and He sees us.

Today I will meditate on the truth that God knows right where I am and He knows the true condition of my heart. He sees the situation and can see into my heart - He sees the confusion, the loneliness, the frustration...and it's okay. My thoughts will be on His ever abiding presence and His habitation in me today. Will you join me?

Whatcha Lookin' At?

The daily rigors of caregivng can get to you eventually. Well, actually, it's not the caregiving that always puts us into overload. We get used to the day-to-day activities we have to perform. It's not unusual to go from daylight to dark without much of a break just to get things done. And somehow we even get used to those unexpected things like an extra trip to the store to buy supplies or a "quick" trip to the doc or urgent care.

Those are extras that we become accustomed to and we have those "special modes" we slip into. I know exactly what to grab as we head out the door to the ER. And when we get there I am somewhat prepared to stay a few hours to a few days whatever it takes! I'm not saying it's easy- we just learn how to make these adjustments on the fly. Adaptability is one of the first skills caregiving forces us to master. (smile)

But let something happen outside our normal hectic zone and it's a major adjustment. Honestly, for me it's mostly my attitude that needs to be adjusted. I do pretty good in my normal, but crazy schedule but if I get sick or something is big enough to interrupt the daily schedule - I can lose it. (I know no one else has ever done this or felt this way - right? Is it just me?)

When things finally settle down back into the normal frenzy we've grown accustomed to - we must shift our focus. This morning I was reading in 2 Chronicles 20 and came across verse 12 which says - O Lord we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You.

Even though we are not facing a huge army and may not have thousands physically gathering against us, it can feel like life is stacking up against us. Daily life is the multitude coming against us; and we may not know what to do. Then there's a "but" - but our eyes are on You. I always go back to Psalm 121 - I will lift my eyes (action required) to the mountains -where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord Who made heaven and earth.

Today there is a lot on my plate and many things to work through on top of the already full plate I had. And I really don't remember asking for a second helping! lol. But I will chose to look to Him for peace, wisdom, direction, and help. My help comes from the Lord - we know sadly enough that no one else is likely to show up! lol.

Today I am going to shift my focus from all the chaos I see around me - to Hin. I chose to place my eyes on Him and look to Him for what I need just to make it through today. He is ever present - when I feel overwhelmed (or even if I don't) I will direct my thoughts to His ever abiding presence. I will make a conscious effort today to keep my mind steady on Him. Will you join me?

Faith, Hope and Depends

As a caregiver, there are just some things about which we cannot speak. We silently feel each other's pain and have an understanding of what a normal day may look like. We wipe up drool, pick up spilled (or spit out) food, and perform tasks we cannot speak about to protect the dignity of our loved ones. But we all could share some crazy stories if we were alone! Are you nodding your head?  Even though we don't speak about it, we understand.

We really do seem to live in an alternate world from everyone else. On a daily basis we deal with all the normal  stuff - and then our own set of what's normal. That might mean we have learned how to bolus a feeding through a tube, check 02 levels, take blood pressure, give a bed bath and change depends. But even though what we do daily looks a lot different from the rest of the world's normal day - spiritually we are no different at all.

This morning I was reading Proverbs 17:3 that says: The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart. On one hand I'd have to say that caregivers basically live in the furnace. And on the other hand, I still have to say we live in the furnace! (smile) Life is always trying, even on the best of days we deal with our own set of struggles. But God has no different requirements for us than anyone else. We don't get a get out of jail free card. There are no exemptions - He's still working in us to make us into His image.

Sometimes I find this frustrating - other times it's comforting. Why do we have to deal with all of this, and still let Him work out issues on faith, trust, and hope? Don't we deserve a break? And on the other hand, it's a comfort to know that He did not abandon us - but still has the same requirements and expectations He always had for our spirit man.

So even when we are up to our elbows in... whatever we are dealing with - He still is working in us. He still is turning up the fire to refine our faith. He is still working His good will and pleasure in us. His Holy Spirit is still in us - strengthening us - and building the relationship between us and Him. I'm not sure why, but that actually gives me hope and comfort.

Today I will look at the fiery furnace differently. My thoughts will be on how He uses it to refine me into His image and I will meditate on how He continues to mold me and work with me even in this situation. I'll think about His unchanging love, mercy, and faithfulness. I will let His spirit comfort me today as I move closer to Him in my heart. And I will rest - in the midst of the fire and depends....I chose to trust His care of me. Will you join me?

What do you see?

I have a love-hate relationship with James 1:2. I love it because it's in the Word of God; but I hate it that I have to do it! Some days I don't want to "count it all joy." I'm sure no one else feels that way, I mean after all as believers we are not supposed to feel different than what the Word says. But there, I said it. Sometimes I can't see past my situation to find any joy at all. But maybe that's why verse 5 follows.

In my mind this first chapter of James has always been all divided up into nuggets. Verses 2-3 explain how we are to address the trying of our faith through the various trials and difficulties we face in our lives. And then verses 5-6 tell us to go ask for wisdom. Two totally separate actions, right?

This weekend as I was watching Francis Chan on YouTube (that was our Sunday morning "church" service!), something he said allowed me to connect these two sections. We are supposed to be able to find joy in our trials since they are working in us spiritual maturity and eternal rewards. Verse 5 is not a tag-along scripture - it's what we do when we can't see it.

For me life as a caregiver has been crippling socially, emotionally and even spiritually on some levels. If I am not careful (and most of the time I'm not.) I can be blinded by my situation and fail to see what God is after. I fail to see what He is working in me because of what is going on around me. I have felt like those in Psalm 137 who hung their harps in the willow and refused to sing because of their captivity. They said, how can we sing the Lord's song in a foreign land? I have felt that way.

I'm the question queen and I'm full of them. For nearly 7 years now I've asked questions like: How can I go on? Why can't life make sense? Why did God give me dreams in the first place? Will I ever feel whole again? What kind of life is this? And so on. Caregiving for many of us is not like a journey you take until you reach your destination - it just goes on and on  with no end in sight. How do we count that all joy?

I have to go back to Job to find some answers. When he lost it all he said blessed be the name of the Lord. I did not pass that test! We must lift our eyes up beyond our day-to-day grind. Even though our schedules are hectic and repetitive we are going places spiritually. Even though we cannot see it all the time, He is working in us His good pleasure. He has not given up on us and He has not abandoned His project. What He is working in us is eternal. What He is doing in us will last past time - it will endure past what we see before us. He is still alive in us and shaping us into His image.

There is not one scripture that says He cannot work within our situations. He uses our lives to mold us. I had a friend who said God doesn't waste a thing. And I have to agree. When we yield our crazy abnormal lives to His hand - He can make it a thing of beauty. But we will have to look past what we see to what He sees to "get it."

Today I will not let my hectic day block the view of what He is doing in me. As I go through the day I will meditate on the truth that He has not abandoned ship - but He is still at the helm and will take me safely through. And I will choose to rejoice that He is working in me things that will last through eternity. I can't see them here - because they have value in the spiritual realm. I will count it all joy that He is still working in me and on me to bring about His desires. Will you join me?

When We Wake Up Tired

Some mornings I just wake up tired. Perhaps it's because I overdid it yesterday, or maybe it's because I'm looking ahead at what I have to do today. Either way there are these mornings when I feel like I am scraping myself off the bed to get about the day.

I've heard people say that it is so nice you can stay home. I try not to laugh too loudly. I think they have no idea what that actually looks like. Just today I have the nurse coming at 10 for her monthly visit, then I have to get my son fed, changed and loaded to go to therapy by 1:30. That takes the whole afternoon (not at all a complaint - just a fact!), then I'll have to get him back home and fed and in bed for a short rest before we start our evening schedule and then hopefully at some point back to bed late tonight. AND somewhere in all that I have clients who are waiting on work and of course they all need it right now!  whew! No wonder I was tired when I woke up this morning.

It is very hard for me, and many caregivers, to admit to being tired. If we acknowledge its presence, we might succumb to it; and we really don't have time for that!

This morning I did my usual morning routine (after scraping myself up at 6:30 which is late for me!). It goes like this: prepare Chris' meds and bolus, start the coffee pot, change Chris and get him comfortable, bolus him and then grab a fresh cup and head for the recliner for my devotions. all the while the day before me is running through my mind: call the apartment office at 9 - the air still isn't working, have Chris bathed and up by about 9:30, the nurse will be here at 10 or 10:30 (she wasn't sure), after she leaves he has to be fed and dry by 12:15 to load in the van and head to OKC......And then I start running through the clients who want work TODAY! I've been up for an hour - and I really wish I could go back to bed!

But as caregivers we really don't have that option. We will push through the day functioning as well as possible and hope nothing falls apart! There's no time to stop, rest, recover or put broken things back together.

As I am rehearsing and organizing my day in my head (yes - I'm a type A - it is ALL  rehearsed and scheduled!) for a brief moment I allow myself to think I'm really tired.  And immediately I think of the familiar passage in Isaiah 40. It's as if God showed me a snapshot of that page in my Bible. almost like He was asking me the question:

Do you not know? Have you not heard?

The Everlasting God, the Lord,

The Creator of the ends of the earth

Does not become weary or tired.

His understanding is inscrutable.

He gives strength to the weary,

And to him who lacks might He increases power.

Though youths grow weary and tired, 

and vigorous young men stumble badly

Yet those who wait for the Lord

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.

I let out a huge sigh as I found it comforting somehow that God acknowledged my weariness. It's not like He doesn't know. So today while I am scurrying about getting done as much as I can - and letting go of the rest (we are only human you know!) I will on purpose - wait for Him. I'll trust Him for strength today and smile because He never gets tired. He's always there to lift me up and strengthen me.

Today I will purposefully acknowledge that I need His strength and I will let Him carry me. My meditation will be on waiting on Him instead of relying on myself. I will wait for Him. I will rest in Him. And I will make it! Will you join me?

Yet He Remains Faithful

Last night as I was going through our bedtime rituals. I just stopped and looked at my son. He was lying down, resting and soon to fall asleep. I think all mothers like to watch their kids sleep. I just stood there by his bed and let my mind wander a bit. I thought about our journey and all we've come through to this point.  And I rehearsed some of my fears of what may happen when I get my ticket out of this place called time - or I get too old to care for him. The thought of him being left in a home made me shutter.

I thought of the people we met along the way and the ones I saw literally, just walk away. It's never been in me to do that. I thought of how much I love my son and how that holds me at his side no matter what.

I felt the bond between us strengthen as I grabbed hold tighter with my heart. It made me more determined to be sure things are in order so he doesn't ever have to feel abandoned. I can't imagine putting him somewhere and walking away. In that deep emotional moment it was like I felt God was saying the same thing about me; about us, His children.

He has that same intense desire to be with us. He will not abandon us. The scripture that came to my mind at that point was 2 Timothy 2:13 the passage (v. 11-13) reads this way in the NASB:

It is a trustworthy statement:

For if we died with Him

we will also live with Him

If we endure

we will also reign with Him

If we deny Him

He cannot deny us

If we are faithless

He remains faithful

for He cannot deny Himself

Two things ran through my mind He is faithful and He cannot deny Himself. Just like I can't stand even the thought of leaving my son's side - God cannot bear the thought of being separated from us. He remains faithful. Add to those thoughts verse 19 of the same chapter - The Lord knows those who are His and you have a win-win combination. He knows us - and He ain't going anywhere!

Today I will meditate on His faithfulness. My thoughts will be on the truth that He knows me. I will turn my thoughts to accepting the truth that He loves me and that love binds our hearts together and He is not going to leave...for any reason. Will you join me?

Reminding Ourselves

As I was reading through Psalm 71 in my morning devotions I recalled an old hymn called, Remind Me Dear Lord. I only remember a few of the phrases of that old song but sometimes it's really how I feel. At times I really need Him to remind me that I am still His child, He still loves me and He is still with me. Other times I need to remind myself of these solid truths.

I assume that David wrote Psalm 71 but it doesn't say that for sure - just that it is a prayer of an old man. Sometimes caregiving wears us down until we can just feel old. This Psalm was a great reminder for me this morning.

First of all, I noticed the things the psalmist reminded himself of regarding how he had reacted to God. He said things like:

• In You I have taken refuge
• Be to me a rock - to which I can continually come...
• My mouth is filled with Your praise
• I will hope continually; I will praise you more
• I will make mention of Your righteousness - Yours alone
• I will praise you with the harp
• I will sing praises with the lyre
• My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to You
• My tongue will utter Your righteousness all day long

That's a lot of determination, hope and courage right there! Maybe he can say these things because they are mixed in with a variety of declarations he makes regarding his relationship with God. He says things like:

• You are my refuge
• You are my rock and fortress
• You are my hope
• By You I've been sustained since birth
• You took me from my mother's womb
• You are my strong refuge
• You have taught me from my youth

These are all powerful statements of faith, I think. He is declaring his absolute trust and confidence in God and reminding himself of all God has done over the years of his life. As caregivers it can be easy to feel like God and life have forsaken us and left us to drown in day to day responsibilities. These are some wonderful declarations we can make that help us remember who He is to us - and help us remind ourselves that we will continue to trust and stand.

But here's the other thing I noticed in this Psalm: the psalmist sheer desperation. Right in the middle of trusting Him and hoping in Him the writer lets us see the pain that's in his heart. He says things like:

• Listen to me and save me
•  Rescue me from the hand of the wicked
• Do not cast me off 
• Do not forsake me when my strength fails
• Do not be far from me
• Do not forsake me

For some reason this really encouraged me today- to see that the psalmist was in a state of despair with trouble all around and yet he did what was important and needful. He called on God for help, ran to him for refuge and continued to declare his trust in Him.

Today my meditation will not be on surrounding troubles or on the struggles we face as caregivers. My thoughts will be on the fact that I'm gong to continue to trust Him no matter what a day brings. I will sing. I will praise. I will continue to run to Him. I'll take some time today to think about all I have seen Him do in my life and in the lives of those I love; and I will be thankful. Will you join me?

Does "Everything" Mean Everything?

Sometimes as a caregiver it can feel like we are "missing out" on life. There are many times we just can't do what we used to do because of our responsibilities of taking care of another. It may mean that we cut some of our favorite activities to try and lighten our load, or it might even mean we lack any sort of social life at all.

For a long time I felt like I lived in a caregiver's cave. There was almost no social interactions and even now that we can get out and about even on a limited basis I am leery of scheduling outings. We just never know what a day is going to look like. It can be difficult to plan since we don't know what kind of day our loved one is going to have; and this can keep us from many activities.

Even now that my son and I can get out more, I'm very limited on how long I can spend out. I have to get back home to change him or to feed him. And honestly, sometimes the fear of what might happen while we are out keeps us home. There are tons of what ifs.

These can make us feel like we don't have "a life" like others. We can feel like life has shorted us somewhat. But I have found that God didn't short us a bit.

2 Peter 1:3 reminds us that He has given us everything we need for life and godliness. Everything - means everything. He didn't say that because we are a caregiver and have what appears to others as "less" of a life - we don't get all of His Holy Spirit. He does not exclude us from His spirit living in us. We have no less of Him than any other believer. The big-name TV preachers don't have more of Him than we do. Pastors don't have more of God or more access to Him than we do; and neither does any other leader in or out of the church.

Ephesians 3:16 says that we have the power of His spirit in our inner man It's a package deal. No one has a partial Christ. Even when a child comes to know Him - there is no junior Holy Spirit. As believers the Holy Spirit of God lives in us. We get no less of Him as a caregiver than anyone else. We all have the power of the Holy Spirit living in us working to transform us into His image.

We are partakers of his divine nature according to 2 Peter. And we demonstrate His love by taking care of our loved ones. We can offer the world a picture of His grace that they cannot see anywhere else. His spirit fully equips us for that.

Today I will meditate on the truth that I have full access to God and that I am not limited by being a caregiver. I will turn my thoughts to the fact that He did not withhold anything from me but my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I did not get short-changed when it comes to having the fullness of God. That makes me smile....Today I will rejoice in this - that the fullness of God lives in me! Will you join me?

What? No White Horse?

I know I've shared before that when my son was first injured I honestly thought that at any moment God was going to come riding on a white horse right into the ICU waiting area and swoop us all away. After 3 plus weeks in ICU and over 4 months total at the hospital I kinda started to figure out that was not going to happen. Yeah, I'm a slow learner! lol

I still believe that God does not cause these things to happen, but I also believe he does allow life to bring them. However, I also believe that He does not waste them. What I mean by that is that while we are in any of life's situations - He's going to use it.

1 Peter 5:10 says this: After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. Honestly, I'm not rejoicing over that when I first read it. I'd rather it said that God is going to look down and see us suffering and come riding in and pull us out of the fire, rescue us, save us and take away our pain. It didn't say that though.

While I don't think God rejoices when we go through struggles or trials, I do think He uses what life brings to form us. Our natural man may be going through the toughest days of our lives, but He is working on our spiritual man. There's nothing like caregiving to reveal our own character to us. Sometimes (many times) I don't like what I see...occasionally, I do.

Caregiving is one of those life events that pulls the best and the worst out of us. For me, it's helped pull out being able to stand up and say what I think. Unfortunately, sometimes this also means that a few unacceptable terms are used to express what I'm really feeling. (I'm working on that.) Just being honest here. Instead of God swooping us away, stopping the pain and grief and returning us to a "normal" life (whatever that is), He uses the situation we are in to temper us.

He perfects or matures us; and confirms, strengthens and establishes us.  The New Living Translation says He will restore, support, strengthen and place you on a firm foundation. So even though sometimes it feels like caregiving is chipping away out our heart and life - God is in the background girding us up and working to strengthen our spirit man. Even though He isn't working to save our physical man - He's got us covered spiritually. In fact He's working overtime to see to it that we remain established and growing in Him.

Today I will meditate on the work He's doing in my heart, even though I don't see what He's doing all the time. My thoughts will be once again on how He put His Spirit in me - and that's what gives me strength to go on. (Eph 3:10) I will fight off the thoughts of abandonment with thoughts of how much attention He is giving to developing my character; and how He is still perfecting His image in me. Will you join me?

Lulled into Complacency

Caregiving has a way of lulling us into complacency. There's so many things that are the same as yesterday, things that don't change or go away.  Just my morning routine consists of getting Chris up, stripping his bed, starting his laundry, taking out his trash, pureeing his breakfast and feeding him. It's the same every single morning and then other routines take over after that. All of these mini-routines build up into one huge day of doing the same things over and over. For me, even runs to the urgent care or ER are routine any more. I know just what needs to be in the bag and I can throw it all together and be out of the door in a matter of minutes!

Even though the caregiver's schedule is hectic even at its most peaceful times, it has a way of lulling us into complacency. We know what to expect and when to expect it and basically nothing surprises us anymore. There's not a lot of spontaneity in the caregiver's life because there's a whole series of events that must occur to just go somewhere. It can take massive amounts of planning to just wiggle something like a movie into the schedule. Sometimes it's easier to just stay home instead of undertaking all the work necessary just to go get necessities. Complacent.

1 Peter 1:13 gives believers a stern warning  regarding becoming complacent in our faith. Peter tells them to prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on His grace. This verse is full of action that the believer must perform in order to keep from being complacent in our faith. As caregivers, our body gets tired and emotions can run thin and we can easily chill out and "turn off life." We can stop fighting for our faith mostly because we are just too tired body, soul and spirit. But it's important for us to remain diligent about keeping our minds sober and our hope fixed on His grace. We can't be distracted from Him by our crazy lives as caregivers.

Sometimes I think I'm too tired to be diligent; or I just want to rest from it all. I would love an emotional break - forget an actual physical vacation (what is that? lol) I'd just love for my emotions to be settled down and my mind to slow down and let my spirit man catch his breath! But while the caregiver may be thinking all of that, there is a good reason for us to keep ourselves in tip-top shape spiritually.

1 Peter 5:8 gives us the reason we have to be diligent even though we are tired. Our adversary, the devil, is seeking to destroy us. He doesn't want to destroy us physically - he wants our faith. When we allow caregiving to lull us into a complacent state spiritually - we become easy prey. So as difficult as it can be to stay focused on spiritual things through the distractions of caregiving - it is necessary for our spiritual being that we maintain our spirit man.

Today I am going to focus on how the Spirit of God lives in me to give me life. I'm going to purposefully feed my spirit His word instead of feeding my mind. My meditations will be on how I can remain diligent about pursuing Him and letting His peace reign in my heart and mind. Will you join me?

Holding on to What Does Not Fade

My latest personal devotions have been spent in 1 Peter. The epistles are among my favorite scriptures because they are just so rich! This morning I got stuck on 1 Peter 1:4. This passage is wonderful, but a few words in this scripture demanded my attention this morning.

Verse 4 says we obtain an inheritance which is imperishable, and undefiled, and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you. The words which I bolded are the ones which grabbed my attention. Our inheritance in the Lord cannot fade away, be defiled or perish.

That might not seem like too big of a deal to a lot of people, but for me as a caregiver sometimes I start to feel like a second class citizen all the way around. I feel the loss of a "normal" life, and feel like I can't get out and do things like so many get to enjoy. When my son was first injured, my life stopped and in many aspects it's never begun again. It's changed; but it's anything but "normal."

Many days I grieve the loss of my son, even though he is still here. I grieve the loss of my life too. It is so good to know that what we have in Christ, and who we are in Him cannot perish, cannot be stolen from us and will not ever fade away. Our life is hidden with Christ in God our Father and being a caregiver doesn't cause our standing in Him to change or waver one bit. Nothing in our spirit man changed when we became a caregiver.

This really touched me this morning during my devotions because when everything else in our lives changes, God's hold on us remains constant. Today I am going to grab hold on this truth and rest in Him. My meditation will be on His constancy - and His perseverance to hold on to me through life's struggles. I will turn my thoughts to His unchanging love for me. And I will rejoice in the fact that what He has put in me will not and cannot be damaged by life's roaring tides! Will you join me?

Still Can't See!

I've been thinking about Joseph a lot over the last few weeks. He was another Bible hero who spent some time not being able to see just what God was doing in his life. It had to be so hurtful and difficult to deal with not only the rejection by his brothers, but being sold into slavery.

If all that weren't bad enough he ends up going to prison for something he didn't do. Honestly, I'm sure somewhere along the way I might have quit. While Joseph's intense struggle isn't described in scripture, we can imagine that he endured heart wrenching agony. And it went on for years.

We read the story of Joseph in a matter of a few minutes sometimes without realizing the impact of the number of years that  passed. He sat in prison. And sat. Then sat. And then sat some more. And the prison he was in was not anything like our prisons today. As harsh of an environment as today's prison are they would be plush and luxurious by comparison.

I have to wonder what he thought about. Did he go over the dreams he'd been given as a young man and wonder if they were going to happen? You know he had to miss his family, but that was nothing new. Did he wonder what his brothers told his dad? Maybe he had dreams that Jakob, his dad was going to find him and come swoop him up and take him back home. I wonder all of this because it sounds like what I would do.

When my son was first injured in the automobile accident and we were sitting for three long weeks in ICU, I kept thinking God was going to swoop in on His white horse and whisk us away. But of course, it didn't happen like that. Instead, like in Joseph's situation, it just kept dragging out year after painful year.

Do you ever wonder how Joseph kept it together over the years? I mean he was in a tough spot that just got tougher but still managed to keep his faith. And it's important to note that he didn't have a Bible to resort to. He couldn't pick up the Bible like we can and go read Psalms for comfort or Proverbs for wisdom. He had far less than we do.  He had nothing. 

We know he kept the faith even when he couldn't see by something he told his brothers as it all began to unfold. He said to his brothers that what they meant for evil, God meant for good. (Gen. 50:20) He recognized that even though life came at him, God had  sent him before to prepare the way for his family to be preserved. God's cool like that. He can turn sticky situations into something good. And many times He does it right under our unsuspecting noses.

Joseph kept the faith through some very dark circumstances. God continued to use him to interpret dreams and to share wisdom. As a caregiver it can be easy to feel like we don't have anything to contribute. And quite honestly, people feel sorry for us and don't require a lot out of us. But that's no excuse.God never says never mind. He doesn't take back dreams, calls or visions. Whatever He says about us doesn't change because we become a caregiver. Even though the journey was difficult, God fulfilled what He desired in Joseph's life.

No matter how good or how bad it might look right now - God is still in control. He hasn't forgotten about us. He hasn't changed His mind about us. He is still our God. He is still a loving, caring King who is concerned about everything that concerns us. He remains faithful - even in the midst of the dark stormy night. We can't do a thing to change that about Him! I sure am glad.

Today I will meditate on how God never changes. I'll turn my thoughts to how He continues to watch over us no matter what a day brings - or doesn't bring. I will keep my thoughts focused on how unchanging He is when life around us is in a whirlwind. Nothing scares God. Nothing can make Him give up on us. I will not give up on Him. Will you join me in trusting Him for one more day?