Sandwiched

 I love the Psalms. The psalmists are all so open, raw, and real with their emotions. Reading the Psalms has let me know that it's okay to tell God anything and everything. During my growing up years, I was toted off to church any time there was a service. Sometimes, we traveled, and I got to miss school to attend minister's meetings with my mom. I learned so much at the height of the Charismatic move. I wouldn't trade anything for that upbringing. As the movement evolved, we found ourselves in the middle of the Faith movement. I've seen some of the greats like Lester Sumrall and Pop Hagin many times. 

But the "faith movement" was lacking a bit and got off center. It was indirectly taught that if we had faith, we didn't get sick, we wouldn't be poor, and bad things wouldn't happen to us. You can imagine my personal conflict when I got sick. And when my son had his wreck, and I started my caregiving journey, it took some time to reshape and redefine faith.

Our Bible heroes are heroes because they went through things - not because they avoided them. Daniel faced the lion's den. Joseph spent years in prison for something he didn't do - that after being betrayed by his own brothers and sold as a slave. Even Paul talks about the trials and struggles he went through before he got the revelation in 2 Corinthians 12 that God's grace is enough for any and all situations.

So, this morning as I was reading Psalm 92:5, I found something interesting. The psalmist says that in the morning, he will declare God's mercies. Then, he says in the evenings, he will declare God's faithfulness. We know that God's mercies are new every morning  - for us - because God has no mornings. It's His way of refreshing us for each of our new days. I can declare in the morning that I will trust God's mercies for the day. I will declare that I will be thankful, that I will praise Him, that I will lift my hands to Him in total trust no matter what the day brings.

In the evening, I will thank Him for carrying me through another day. I can acknowledge that His mercies were enough for the events of the day, so I end my day with gratitude for His sustaining power.

But it's the in-between sandwiched between my morning prayers and my evening thanksgiving that is more difficult to navigate. Who knows what a day will bring. My thoughts can run crazily through the events of the day - and hopefully always land upright, cradled by His mercy and grace. It's those occurrences that keep my heart pounding and my mind running that are difficult. I can do the "morning" thing. And I can do the "evening" thing - but man, are those in-betweens rough riding!?

It takes constantly reminding myself that He hasn't abandoned me. I must constantly reel in my thoughts to make them compliant to His word and His will. Quite honestly, that's a lot of work with all the stuff that can get thrown at you while caregiving. But we can do it. We just have to remind ourselves over and over that He's got us.

Today, I will remind myself that God didn't leave me in time to sink or swim, but instead, He chooses to walk through this day with me. My meditations will be on His mercies and grace for today, no matter how many times I must force my thoughts back into that stream. I'll turn my thoughts to gratitude and purposefully look for things to be thankful for in today's in-between. Will you join me?

The Supposed To's

 Do you ever feel haunted by "supposed to" thoughts? I'm pretty sure none of us grew up thinking we'd be spending our years as a caregiver, even though most of us thought at least at some point that we'd provide some level of care for our parents as they aged.  But here we are, taking care of our loved ones. It may not have been our dream, but it is our reality today.

Our parents were supposed to grow old, retire, and do all the fun things they put on hold while they were raising their kids, right? Our kids were supposed to go to college, get jobs, and build lives and families of their own. But things don't always work out like they are supposed to, do they?

I think that dealing with some of the things that were supposed to happen according to what we all deem as "normal" is one of the hardest parts of caregiving. Thinking along those lines can bring on depression quickly. If I don't nip it in the bud, it can escalate until I am in an emotional pit that is difficult to get out of. Shifting my focus to reality doesn't really help, LoL. If you know what I mean. If I don't protect my mind and soul, I can wind up in a caregiver's fog that begins the slow drag into despair.

But protecting the mind and soul is a hard thing. Here's an analogy. When I was in Tae Kwon Do, we were taught to keep our hands up while sparring. That's how we were able to protect ourselves from the blows that would be thrown. But as a caregiver, our hands are full. We can't do much more than carry what's in our hands; forget about blocking anything! That's how many of our days feel - we already have our hands full of caregiving tasks, yet we must block negative thoughts, emotions, and even things people say to us.

So here we are in a funk, with our hands full of responsibilities that simply cannot be put on hold. The supposed to's are running through our heads, and we have too much in our hands to block them. Just about the time we think we are done - His grace swoops in and covers us, protects us and carries us. It's happened over and over - just about the time I think I cannot handle one more tiny thing, He blows my mind and sustains me. God is so amazing.

So, today, instead of letting the supposed to's have room in my head - I'm going to give them to Him. I'll shift my focus to what He can do from what I cannot do. I will trust Him for one more day. If you don't have a better option, will you join me?

                                                                                                                                           

Would You Like to Help Dove's Fire Ministries?

Maybe you've wondered about helping support all that goes on at DFM. One way is to shop my personal bookstore, which has devotionals, Bible study guides, and more that I have written. Dove's Fire Ministries Bookstore.

You can also donate via PayPal at paypal.me/dovesfireministries 

Or you can donate via CashApp: $JeanieOlinger

Or if you have Venmo my ID is:@Mary-Olinger-6

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The Welcome Mat

Lately, I've been studying on prayer and meditating on the various passages. One thing I've noticed is that there are so many different types of prayers scattered throughout the Bible. They are not all made in distress. Some are purely giving thanks. They range in content based on the pray-er's unique situation. But this morning, I found myself reading Solomon's prayer as he completed the building of the temple. The prayer he offered as he dedicated the structure to God was beautiful. God immediately filled the temple with His glory, so He must have been pleased!

But there was this one little phrase that hung in my thoughts. The entire prayer is worth the read as it is a heartfelt display of King Solomon. So, take a minute to check out 2 Chronicles 6 because it'll give you a lot of food for thought!

Verse 29 is the one that caught my heart as I was reading this passage today. In the verses preceding this one, Solomon talks about all sorts of struggles, challenges, or situations that people might go through. He listed quite a few problems that were common in their day, including famine, pestilence, mildew, grasshoppers or locusts, enemies overtaking cities, and any sickness that might occur. Solomon was asking God to hear his people's requests, no matter what. This little phrase, though, in verse 29, when each one knows his own burden and his own grief. 

I guess it stood out because grief can be such a big part of the caregiving experience. It is different for everyone, and it can be felt in so many different ways. There is a grief that is so deep there are no words to describe it. But it's not like we can "bury" our loved ones and move on, such as when they die. Yet for many of us, we watch our parents or elderly loved ones fade away from us, slowly over time. That's a torturous grief. There is also a living grief, such as with my son. He is technically still here - still alive, but the son I knew doesn't exist anymore. The grief just continues day after day.

Christian circles don't really know what to do with it, yet I see Solomon welcoming grieving believers into the temple, and allowing them to lift their hands to God in prayer. We are welcome at the foot of the cross, at the foot of God's throne. He doesn't tell us we must leave our grief outside before coming to Him in prayer. Our whole being, body, soul, and spirit is welcome. As caregivers, we have a safe place in God. He won't condemn us or shake His head in disbelief because He doesn't understand. 

Solomon goes on to ask God to answer their prayers and says, You know the hearts of the sons of men. He then pleads for God to help those who are praying learn to fear God and walk in His ways. He didn't even pray for healing, for the grief to be removed, or for the problem to be relieved in any way. He just prayed that "we" would know God better. I know that in my grief, I've learned to trust God more, call on Him more frequently, and learned a new level of intimacy with Him that I've never known before.

Today, I will bring it all to Him once again, knowing that He wants my whole heart - not just the parts I perceive to be "good." I'll give Him my grief and let Him carry it and me. My meditation will be on how great God is and how thankful I am that His welcome mat includes all of me - all of you! Will you join me on God's welcome mat today as we lay our hearts out before Him?

                                                                                                                                           

Would You Like to Help Dove's Fire Ministries?

Maybe you've wondered about helping support all that goes on at DFM. One way is to shop my personal bookstore, which has devotionals, Bible study guides, and more that I have written. Dove's Fire Ministries Bookstore.

You can also donate via PayPal at paypal.me/dovesfireministries 

Or you can donate via CashApp: $JeanieOlinger

Or if you have Venmo my ID is:@Mary-Olinger-6

Earth Shattering

 This morning, my mind was racing with all sorts of stuff. We all live in a very hectic world. There's a lot going on, even if we weren't caregivers. Add caregiving responsibilities, choices, and tasks to this hectic lifestyle, and it's easy to become completely overwhelmed. Just taking care of another whole person is overwhelming most of the time, right?

As I realized my mind was racing so much around so many things I need to do and choices I need to make, I grabbed for a scripture. It's familiar, and we mention it a lot on this blog. Psalm 46:10 reminds us to be still and, at the same time for us to know He is God. Those two things helped me calm my heart and mind. I had to first be still. That takes a lot of work for me! Lol. I'm not sure I can fully acknowledge Him as God until I can get my mind out of hyperdrive, though. 

Once I thought of the scripture, I opened up my Bible to take another look at the entire psalm. The first verse is another anchor for my soul and has been for years. It covers so many things. 

• God is our refuge.
• God is my strength.
• God is present in trouble - He doesn't disappear when things get tough.

My heart and mind began to settle down as I reminded myself that God has me. He is in my "today." Right here and right now - God is present. 

Then, I began reading the next couple of verses. There are some real serious things mentioned here like the earth "being removed" - the mental image of that is massive! Mountains are being "carried" into the sea and wiped off the planet. That's dramatic, right? At least things are quite that bad yet.

But then I thought about our caregiving journeys. In many ways, it's been an earth-shattering experience for us. For many of us, our whole worlds were put on hold, shifted around, and don't even bear a resemblance to life BC. (Before caregiving.) Yet, even in the middle of it all, no matter how hectic, how hurtful, how traumatic, we can hold onto these three things.

• God is still our refuge.
• God is still our strength.
• God is still present in all our troubles.

Since God is still God - I can be still and acknowledge Him even in the middle of the frayed nerves, silent tears, and disrupted routines. He still has my heart in His. He still has my hand in His. I feel a gentle calm as I thank Him for still being here. I hope you do too.

                                                                                                                                           

Would You Like to Help Dove's Fire Ministries?

Maybe you've wondered about helping support all that goes on at DFM. One way is to shop my personal bookstore, which has devotionals, Bible study guides, and more that I have written. Dove's Fire Ministries Bookstore.

You can also donate via PayPal at paypal.me/dovesfireministries 

Or you can donate via CashApp: $JeanieOlinger

Or if you have Venmo my ID is:@Mary-Olinger-6

Before and Behind

 The last few weeks, I've been working on my morning routine. It's funny how as a caregiver, routine is everything and nothing all at the same time. Having a routine is usually a good thing for our loved ones - depending on the nature of the care they need. But inside that routine, we have to allow for flexibility. So, I took the early morning hours to do some changeups. That's when I get my devotions in, and I try to get my walk in too. That way, those days that get super busy super fast don't make me shuffle the things important to my own mental, physical, and spiritual health. 

In the shift, I've found that some things are going much smoother. Other things, not so much. Lol. So, I'm ahead - but I'm still behind at the same time. Man, that doesn't seem fair, does it? But alas, it's the caregiver's life! How in the world I can feel accomplished and defeated at the same time is beyond reason. Yet, that's right where I find myself day after day. The good news is that God has me covered whether I am way ahead or lagging behind.

In Psalm 139:5, the KJV says, thou hast beset me behind and before and laid thine hand upon me. Other translations say it differently. The NLT says, You go before me and follow me. No matter what translation we use, it's pretty clear that God is walking ahead of us and behind us. It reminds me of when we used to go hiking as a family. My husband at the time would walk out front, the kids were between us, and I followed up behind. We kept them between us so we could always be aware of where they were on the path. It ensured they wouldn't wander off or get lost. Since God has us enclosed behind and before - He is ensuring we don't wander off the path and get lost.

You know, as a caregiver, there are lots of things to get "lost" in. Our emotions can be all over the place. I can go from super highs to extreme lows in half a second. Sometimes less. Thoughts are another area where we can wander off easily. These areas present constant struggles for me. I can rest easy though, knowing that God has walked this day before me. He's prepared the path for me and covered it with His grace and mercy. He's also following behind me. I picture Him smoothing over everything I messed up as I came barrelling through the day. Lol. Either way - He's got me covered.

Today, I'll remind myself that God is before and behind me. He's in this moment with me right now, and that's where He'll stay, even though He's preparing the pathway before me and cleaning it up behind me. I can trust that He's got me covered thoroughly today. So, I can just rest in the truth that He's got it all taken care of. I'll remind myself to wait for Him and listen for Him in my today. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                                           

Would You Like to Help Dove's Fire Ministries?

Maybe you've wondered about helping support all that goes on at DFM. One way is to shop my personal bookstore, which has devotionals, Bible study guides, and more that I have written. Dove's Fire Ministries Bookstore.

You can also donate via PayPal at paypal.me/dovesfireministries 

Or you can donate via CashApp: $JeanieOlinger

Or if you have Venmo my ID is:@Mary-Olinger-6

More Than a Glance

Each caregiving journey is unique. There are, of course, a few elements that are going to be similar, no matter what the specific dynamics are in each situation. One problem I've had to overcome is taking my son out in public. It seems that state parks and outdoor venues are more comfortable, and honestly, the people we encounter are friendlier and more likely to offer help if I need it. This last weekend at Red Rock Canyon, several people offered to take photos of us. That was such a kind gesture. 

But in the day-to-day setting, it's not always that "comfortable." People of all ages tend to stare. A lot. I get it when kids stare, I just wish parents would encourage them to ASK!! Instead, they often push them along. I don't know which is worse, being ignored, shunned, or avoided. I don't like to be uncomfortable, and I don't like making others feel uncomfortable, so we avoid going out a lot. 

I have one place I like to go, but the door is so difficult to navigate with my son's chair I just don't go. I feel like I am avoiding becoming a spectacle - I have enough on my plate. It can be interesting how people glance our way when we are in public. Some glances are filled with compassion - I can sense that. Others seem to be more like they want to get away - far away - in case something might get on them. Lol.

This is where my mind was this morning after I heard myself praying; I don't need just a glance today, God, I need Your intervention.

God doesn't just send a glance our way. Psalm 139:3 tells us that He is intimately acquainted with all our ways. He's not up in heaven tossing grace for the day down on us and just hoping we are going to catch some of it. He purposefully places grace in us for this hectic race we have found ourselves running. He intentionally refreshes His mercy for us each day. It's so much more than a glance our way now and then. He doesn't have to wonder what's going on in our lives, hearts, and minds. He's there. Protecting.Providing. Preserving. I like that.

Today, I'll remind myself that God didn't just glance my way. He walks right into my day and asks what I need. My thoughts will be on how He abundantly lavishes His mercy and grace on my life, heart, and mind. My job today is to accept and embrace His provision. I'll welcome Him into my little world today and let Him do His work while I remind myself to rest in Him. Will you join me?

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Check out my bookstores. I have eBook devotionals, Bible study guides, poetry, and more in my Dove's Fire Ministries bookstore. My Amazon bookshelf has a couple of those in print or on Kindle.

The Unseen

 As caregivers, much of our day goes unseen. We may often get invites for various activities without anyone realizing what all it takes to get us there. For many of us, it's not as easy as just jumping in the car and heading out. Behind the scenes, there is a lot of planning that goes into the shortest, simplest trips, even to the grocery store. Over time, we can get our processes down so that it becomes a little easier - but others have no idea what all goes into it. 

The other day, I was trying to get home in time to tutor a student. They had already arrived by the time I got to my apartment. I felt so vulnerable as I unloaded my son from the van and took him inside. Like they were getting a minute view into my caregiving side. I felt so - uncovered. It was almost as uncomfortable as feeling naked in public. LOL - not quite, though. (blush)

So, it took a lot for me to start making a few reels around my caregiving tasks. It turns out that people respond well to it. I've not gotten any negative or derogatory remarks so far, at least. But it's really difficult to let people see some of the things I like to keep hidden as a caregiver. Of course, there are some things that will always be hidden, lol. Those unmentionables!! But it has turned out that it's kind of freeing to give people a window into the daily life of caregiving. (Now, if I could just get them to send stars, Lol!)

As I've worked through my own inhibitions, I realized that God gets a bird's eye view of every little detail. Nothing escapes His notice. He sees every move I make, every transfer, every meal prepped, every load of laundry, and every unmentionable. God is aware of my emotional roller coaster - nothing is missed. He knows when I am excited about new ideas, study guides, or videos. He also knows the nights I cry myself to sleep. He sees the unseen. God even sees all those emotions, tears, and feelings that no one could ever see. He gets me. He gets you. He gets us. And He sticks around anyway!

Isn't that the greatest fear for some of us? That if people really see our day, they will reject us? If they see us up to our elbows in all sorts of stuff, they may leave. Many have left already. So, we hide and try to act like our normal is normal. But we know it's not. And so does God.

Today, I will let Him see. (It's not really like I can keep Him from it anyway! Lol.) I'll open up my heart and pull back the curtains and know that He is looking at all of me. And I'll let it be "okay." I'll let Him touch that part of me that no one ever sees and some don't want to. Because as He sees - He heals. I'll just trust Him for today as I know He is watching over my whole being from the inside out. Will you join me?

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Check out my bookstores. I have eBook devotionals, Bible study guides, poetry, and more in my Dove's Fire Ministries bookstore. My Amazon bookshelf has a couple of those in print or on Kindle.