Part of the Crowd

 I took Chris to our local minor league baseball team's game yesterday. I must say I give the ballpark an A+ on accessibility. The parking guys pointed me to a handicap spot right near the gate. And from there, I just rolled him in and found our accessible seating - which just means a chair beside an empty spot for the wheelchair to fit in! It was great. He could see fine and even though it was a bit loud at times - it wasn't too loud for him. What joy fills my heart when I find things to do that are positive.

As we sat and watched the game, we became part of the crowd. We were all watching the game and cheering on the home team. We had one purpose - besides being entertained, and that was to support the local team. We all cheered when our guys made a play. We hooped and hollered when one of them stole a base or hit a home run. It was so amazing to be part of something bigger than us - to be part of the community.  

It made me think about the crowds who followed Jesus and the woman who pressed past the crowds to touch Him. Her intense need for Him separated her from the crowd. Jesus even asked the disciples, who touched me? They must have thought He was joking because the crowds were pressing in on Him - but she touched Him in a way no one else did. She reached out and touched just His garment with her hand - but touched His heart with her faith. (Luke 8:40-48)

As I sat and was overjoyed at being part of the crowd yesterday, I knew we still stood out. We don't look like everyone else. And although everyone was gracious and greeted us kindly, there were blank stares and unspoken questions everywhere. I don't mind being part of the crowd - I don't even mind standing out from the crowd as different. But the main way I'd like to be different is in my intense need for Him.

This woman pressed through a crowd much bigger and closer together than our socially distant crowd yesterday. She knew she needed something more and even though she was just part of the crowd, she reached past the crowd and grabbed what she needed. The crowd couldn't satisfy her need for Him. The crowd didn't have her answers. The people didn't even understand her intense need to touch Him - but she pressed in any way. And she is the one who touched His heart.

Today, I don't care how crowded life is with caregiving responsibilities, workloads, phone calls, and day-to-day chores. I want to press past all that and touch His heart. Why? Because that's where peace dwells. That's where grace and mercy are ready to help in our times of need. That's where our true emotional healing rests. So, today I hope even if just for a moment, I can press through the crowded day and reach out to touch His heart. I'll be content with that  - won't you?

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Why Wait?

 This morning in the middle of my live Facebook "Peace Out!" devotions, I was reading a scripture and it just hit me. Ever have that happen? I was sharing out of one of my favorites, Psalm 61. David is pouring his heart out to God. I've always focused on being overwhelmed, running to God, and letting Him lead me to the Rock.

But as I was reading it for the thousandth time, I saw this phrase - from the end of the earth. Suddenly, I wondered what David meant. Did he mean he thought the world was flat and he was living on the edge about to fall off? Or did he mean time was coming to a close and the earth was ending? Neither of those made sense to me. I don't know what David was going through specifically, of course. But it's obvious he was dealing with some big stuff.

Then, it hit me - David was at the end of his rope! Maybe they just didn't have that saying yet! lol. He cried out - from the end of the earth - the end of my rope - I will cry to You, O Lord! My question then switched to - why did he wait? Why didn't he "call out" earlier? But I realized I do the same thing. I go through my days handling it all just fine. But the second I feel overwhelmed and overcome - then I seek God. Why do I wait?

What would happen if I didn't wait until I was totally bogged down under the load of caregiving before running to Him for His sustaining grace? What if I just lived in His shelter? What would that look like, I wonder? Isn't that what He ultimately wants too? He never prohibits us from coming to Him. He never says He's busy or we have to wait until tomorrow to get grace for today. Right? He never says - you should have come sooner. He just patiently extends the grace and mercy we need to match our need, to cover us.

Today, I will go to Him before I feel like I'm "at the end of my rope." I'll choose to start trusting Him now for whatever the day may throw at me later. I will hang out in His shelter even before I feel I need protection. Then, like David does in this psalm, I'll declare - I will abide with You. I will trust You. I will sing Your praise. Will you join me?

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Caregiver Burnout is Real

 

Do you ever just get too tired? Do you ever want to quit? Do you ever sit down for a whole 30 seconds and think about not getting back up? Ever? Who am I kidding? Sometimes I forget who I'm talking to. Lol. As caregivers, burnout is real. But the problem for most of us, is we don't get a break even in the midst of burnout, right? Let's face it. If we had a bit more help we might avoid burnout - but once we feel that we are in a season of burnout and stressed out - there's still no help. It's easy to feel stuck.

I try to do a few things to avoid burnout and to cope. Someone told me one time that I had learned how to live even in the midst of the situation. I think she was right. I have learned to slow down and enjoy an afternoon cup of tea (or coffee!!!). I try to get outside as much as possible because sunshine and fresh air are essential to a healthy life. Some days that means sitting on the patio so I can see Chris in the recliner through the window. But I'm still "outside." I enjoy watching the birds in the small tree outside my patio too. those seemingly "little" things add up. I've learned to take an evening "off" from work-work, even if not from caregiving. I'll watch a movie or read a book. All these mental health tricks are so key to keeping myself healthy inside and out. 

But how do I keep my spirit-man healthy? There are times when I am just bummed out - anyone else identify? Times when I don't see God doing anything specifically. Times when I feel so all alone - because I am. What about those times? 

I think I found my answer in Psalm 77 this morning. Asaph pens these words in verses 4-10:

I am too troubled to speak (have we ever been there!?!?)

I think about the days of old, the years of long ago.

I remember my song, I commune with myself and my spirit asks:

Will Adonai reject forever?

Will he never show favor again?

Has his grace permanently disappeared?

Is his word to all generations done away?

Has God forgotten to be compassionate?

Has he in anger withheld his mercy?

We sometimes ask these questions silently because we don't dare let them pass through our lips. But silently they arise from the depths of our beings as the caregiving days become long. But I love where Asaph goes with this psalm. Next, he says, this is my weakness - supposing that God's hand could change. Man, I love that. Our weakness is thinking that God's grace, mercy, and compassion ran out last week sometime. 

But then, Asaph realizes he's taken an interesting turn in his thinking. He is basically saying,  I don't see God doing anything right here, right now - so I'll remind myself of all He's done in the past. (Complete Jewish Bible translation)

When we cannot see or feel Him in our right-here-right-now, we can encourage ourselves with what we know He has done before. We can remind ourselves of the times we have seen Him intervene, provide peace in the storm, just be present when we needed Him - and that list goes on and on.

Today, I will remind myself that God's hand hasn't changed. He has not looked the other way, instead, He continues to look in my direction. I will remind myself of the times He's healed, calmed the storms in my heart and mind, brought comfort and peace. And I will be thankful. Will you join me?

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Check out my bookstores. I have eBook devotionals, Bible study guides, poetry, and more in my Dove's Fire Ministries bookstore. My Amazon bookshelf has a couple of those in print or on Kindle.

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Between the Lines

 

I have recently discovered that I say a lot of things and expect people to read between the lines. You may do it too whether you realize it or not.  As caregivers, it can be difficult to find the words for our emotions. We can't always adequately describe our situations with words. And even if we can, there are many things we deal with daily that are taboo topics. Or, of course, we don't deal with some topics as we want our loved ones to have some dignity. So we speak in riddles and only those who really know - fully understand.

What we really mean.

I was thinking about this a lot yesterday and here are a few examples that I came up with, maybe you've got a few of your own.

• I need to get out more. - Really means I am so lonely.
• Wanna come over for a cup of coffee? - Means I am at the end of my rope. I feel neglected, alone, and I need a friend.
• I am eating myself out of house and home lol - Really means - I'm experiencing emotional eating and I don't know how to stop.
• It could be worse. - Really means I don't know how I'm going to make it.
• I'm a hot mess. lol - Really means I'm at the end of my emotions and I really need God to help me get it all together.

These are just a few of the things I've heard myself say and I'm the only one who really knows what I meant. I'm sure there are plenty of other examples, and maybe you have some go-to statements like I do. We say things like, 

• God will provide.
• He's got me!
• God will make a way.

These faith statements are wonderful. And I agree - we need to make them all the time. We often need to pull up our faithful, favorite scriptures and read them to our minds over and over to build faith, don't we? But sometimes, we use truth as a mask to hide our true emotions. We can't ever really tell anyone how we feel or how we are dealing with caregiving. So, they are left to read between the lines. Some do it well. Others, don't have a clue. lol (Am I right?)

Here's the thing - God always reads between the lines. Sometimes, it feels like He doesn't answer our questions because He replies to the root of the question and not the actual question. Where did the question originate? What emotion sparked that question? Where are you now, God? I've cried that during many long, dark nights.

David Did It!

Maybe that's what David was feeling or thinking when He penned Psalm 13. How long will you look the other way? In David's heart, he knew God was with him, we see that bear out through the many psalms he wrote. But he didn't really think God was looking away. How do I know for sure? Because just two verses later David's asking God to consider and hear his cries. When we cry out, Where are You, God? We know where He is - but reading between the lines we'll see an intense need for Him. We may not feel or sense Him in any way during that moment. (Hey, it happens.) We know He's here. We know He hasn't left. But we feel abandoned, alone, and afraid. He's big enough to read between those lines and hear what our hearts and tears don't have the words for.

Today, I want to quiet my soul before Him. Since I don't always have the words for what I feel, I will let my silence speak. I will quietly present myself before Him and wait for Him to answer the silent cries of my heart. Will you join me on this new level of trusting Him?

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It's a Hold-Up!

 

One thing caregivers can understand is long nights. Recently, I haven't had them as often, and for that I am thankful. But I do still have some and last night was one of them. I hate it because Chris is uncomfortable and no matter what I do it doesn't help. Since he is nonverbal, he can't tell me to reposition him, sit him up more or less, or that there is a wrinkle in his sheet. His numbers were good (heart rate, 02, and temp), so I talked myself through the night, basically. 

Long Night Talks With God

During those long nights, God and I talk a lot. Well, it's mostly me whining and crying and wondering why a lot. But He listens. And most of the time, He answers. The early hours of this morning were no different. 

I try not to lash out at God, but sometimes I'm just angry. I lost my son and it seems God just "saved" him enough to keep him here to suffer sometimes. Man, those long nights can really show you your own thoughts loud and clear, huh? Last night was different somewhat. I wasn't quite as mad with God. I told Him I wasn't even sure what to ask for. He understood.

I express it all, my frustrations, anger, and feelings of helplessness. And He listens time and time again. In days gone by, I've spent a lot more time yelling at God and crying out to Him. Last night, I just let my heart talk and tried to keep my mind out of it. lol. That was a chore.

When He Answers

Sometime after five this morning, after sleeping very little, I heard myself ask God, maybe You could just hold me. Do you ever get frustrated with Him, but then find yourself returning to Him when you need Him? That's frustrating too! I may be upset that I don't see Him moving on my behalf, but during those long nights, His arms are right where I run. (Anyone else?)

When I asked Him to hold me, to comfort me, and settle my heart, I thought there had to be a scripture expressing my feelings. Sure enough, I found it in Psalm 119:117. The NKJV says Hold me up, and I shall be safe. There is nothing like finding a scripture that matches your heart and words. This one helped me complete my prayer. Hold me up, God! Then, I know I am safe.

The Holding Up Part

I often hold Chris up when he is standing. I put my arms under his arms and if he decides to sit - I've got him! I can move him from one chair to another or to the bed if needed. But for those few moments, I have to hold him up. Sometimes, he leans into me. And that's where I found myself with God. It was as though I had collapsed against a wall and He (the rock, the fortress, my protecting wall) was bolstering me and holding me up. That was all I needed to get up and around and gather myself to face the day. It was a great "hold up"!

Today, I will lean into my Father, God like Chris leans into me. I know I can count on Him to hold me as long as I need holding and He won't move or let me go! I'll trust Him with my tiredness, my fatigue, my loneliness, my fears, and my pain today. And I'll just let Him hold me knowing I'm in His safe place. Will you join me?

The Source

 As I was preparing for my Facebook live devotions this morning, I started meditating on the main scripture. It is out of Isaiah 43, and God is reminding Israel that He is the One God.  He is our source of peace, gives us wisdom, loves us unconditionally, and hears our prayers, even the goofy ones!

I thought about how back in their day, they took a piece of wood or stone and crafted a god. Then, they bowed down to it like it was going to do something - anything for them. I never got that. Can something I make with my own hands be "greater" than me? I don't see how. It definitely couldn't hear them or respond to their pleas for help. It has no love, no wisdom to share.

While we may not ever find ourselves physically bowing before a big rock, we, as humans, can tend to run to what is familiar and tangible. That's why so many turn to drugs and alcohol. They provide a "feeling" or at least a change in the way they feel. It seems measurable, but it leads down a long, dark road. It is often easier to turn to something we can feel. I've just learned a lot about emotional eating lately. It's not really any different than turning to illicit substances, it's just more socially acceptable. The emotional baggage is the same. 

Yet, here stands God. The one and only God. He's full of compassion, gives us His peace, loves us unconditionally, provides wisdom when we ask.. and so much more! And He waits....for us. Sometimes, it's for a very long time. He patiently waits until we remember we need Him. Then, when we turn to Him, He says He will be found by us. He doesn't play hide and seek! (Jeremiah 29:13-14) There's no condemnation - no browbeating - no you should have come sooner. He just patiently waits until we realize our own deep need for Him. He waits for us to realize He is the one source of peace. The one source of hope and grace. The One who truly loves us and is willing to carry us through our struggles. He's amazing, isn't He?

Today, I will remind myself to quit trying so hard to be all that. I'll admit my intense, deep need for Him and I'll run to Him for strength, hope, peace, love, joy, and wisdom. I'll accept the peace that comes from knowing He will not withhold anything from me, but He will instead lavish His love and provision on me. I'll meditate on how He calms my emotions and settles my fears as I rely solely on Him. He's a great God, isn't He? Will you agree with me?

                                                                                                                                           

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In the Boat - In a Storm

 I've been rolling a lot of questions and thoughts over and over in my mind. The big question I keep coming up with is this: what if He doesn't? You can fill the blank in with your circumstances. For me - it's what if He doesn't ever heal my son, can I live with that? What if the "morning" never comes - because joy comes in the morning, right? What if trouble does last "always"? (Trouble don't last always, they say.) What if He doesn't calm the storm while we are out there in the boat? 

I've been thinking about it a lot. In my mind, I'm sitting out in a boat and there's a storm raging all around me. We know the story in Mark 4 where Jesus was in the boat asleep in the middle of the storm. (That's total peace right there!) Then in Matthew 14, He came walking out on the water to his disciples in the boat in the middle of the storm. I've had people tell me that trouble won't last forever - the storm will go away. But so far, I've found that it hasn't. What if Jesus doesn't come out in the middle of the storm? What if He doesn't tell it to be still? What if I'm just sitting there in my little boat while life's seas are rocking me around? What then?

I guess I'll just sit in my little boat and wait for Him! When I die - I'll still be sitting in that boat. lol. I have nothing better to do than wait for Him - whatever that looks like. Whether He comes like I imagine He could - or not - I'll still wait for Him. 

Are you in a boat on the stormy seas? What are our options? Jumping out into the sea? Trying to swim to shore in the middle of crazy waves? I choose to wait. And if He never comes I'll just still be sitting there in my boat waiting on Him. Hope comes when we wait. Peace comes when we wait. Eventually, morning will come - when we wait on Him. 

Today, I will wait on Him. I will wait until peace comes before I move one muscle! I've determined that no matter what the seas look like, or how they roar - I'll be sitting there in my boat waiting for Him. Will you join me?

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Check out my bookstores. I have eBook devotionals, Bible study guides, poetry, and more in my Dove's Fire Ministries bookstore. My Amazon bookshelf has a couple of those in print or on Kindle.

Download Poems for Caregivers for free!